I am beginning to question my sanity. I am wondering why I keep hanging in there.

But at the same time, I keep getting these strange signs, and I cannot ignore them and chalk them up to coincidence.

As most of you know, my H is from Germany. (Damn stubborn German). It seems whenever I get low, that is the word that seems to pop up. From the day I was in the cemetery wandering and found the headstone with the name Germany, to the books (3 books...) I have read this last week that somehow seem to mention German somewhere in the text. I have a friend who went to midnight mass, and told me that one of the hymns was sung in German. As many times as I have seen him driving, driven past him on the freeway, run into him in that restaurant. Somehow, I feel like God is now allowing either of us to be very far from the other's mind.

Is there anyone else out there who questions their sanity? I wonder if I have just gone off the deep end and can't recover...and then sometimes I think its really not all that abnormal for me to want to continue to try and work towards this...

But he has pulled away again, and I know it has nothing to do with me, but with the job. It kills me that this job seems to be taking up all of his time, and I wonder if it is so that he does not have to really deal with any of this.

Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..