I think the change comes from several different elements of the entire Retrouvaille experience. First, there is the feeling of being in a safe place. Retrouvaille teaches you to talk to each other without fighting. To listen fully, without formulating a snappy comeback, or an argument. It doesn't dwell on the past, but it deals with it once, and puts it to bed. Retrouvaille teaches you rules to express yourself fully and fairly. As a result, the spouses relax with each other. They aren't at war. No one is losing. Everyone is winning. Retrouvaille is a place where you can open up your heart and tell the truth without fear of being attacked by the other person. Retrouvaille is a long meditation on the subject of yourself. You share your thoughts of yourself with your spouse. If the love you once had isn't completely dead, then you feel it again. Retrouvaille is a warm, safe, and healing experience.
As for the Post sessions. The weekend focuses on teaching the dialogue method, how to communicate your feelings to each other effectively and constructively. Communication is the key. But they don't teach you how to get along at the weekend. That is taught gradually over a 6 week follow-up period. In the Post sessions you learn more philosophical and psychological approaches to getting along. For example, it is in the Post sessions where idea that love is a decision is explained and explored. Where the importance of trust, commitment and forgiveness are discussed. Where you share memories from your birth families and compare your family of origin with your married family. And the Post sessions are important as a place to ask questions and get advice on problems as they come up. And perhaps most importantly, at the Post sessions you learn the method for dealing with conflict. It is a path of breadcrumbs, leading you from your place of pain into the light of a happy marriage.
There are many pitfalls along the way. But they offer you a roadmap if you choose to follow it. There are exercises and homework. I won't say we did every bit of homework, but we did almost all of it. We followed their advice to the letter. We did not stray from the path. And we got to where we wanted to go. That is my advice to all couples who go to Retrouvaille. Don't take it lightly, don't drop the dialoguing and go back to old habits when you get home. Getting along takes work and discipline. But, over time, it becomes easy and natural. And the rewards are worth the effort.
