Cleaning out Clutter - ? For Men

[MsMelancoly]

My porblem is we have very little contact. Thus few opportunities for me to praise. Last month via email, I did praise him about his job & being such a good friend, to his friend Bob. He did email some short replies, which was a very small step. It's hard to praise when I don't really know what's going on in his life, outside of bits & pieces about his job.

[native]

How does he respond when you ask about his life? Will he engage in conversation with you?

Alternatively, does he share about his life in response to you sharing about yours?

You could also search your memories for things that were praiseworthy that you never told him. Don't overly flatter, just say something like, 'You know, I don't think I ever told you what a great blah, blah, blah...you were.' or something to that effect.

Couple that with any sincere apology you can think of and I think you will double the positive effects.

Like all D'busting techniques, moniter the results and go from there.

I think I would just keel over if my W apologised, sincerely and without reservation, for some of the things she has said and done. Things I have told her have been hurtful and damaging. Add to that a promise to avoid doing whatever it was and I think you will have his ear.

I know that my specific and empathetic apologies have had more positive effect on W than any other thing I have done.

[native]

MichelleLT: Native - love the quote. Such a U2 fan

.

U2 is the best band ever !!!! Now don't I sound like some kid?
But it's true !!!

[Silver Fox]

Hi MsM,

Haven't posted to you in awhile and I'm catching up with your sitch.

How Ironic though. He wants & needs my help to D me - but yet - did not want nor showed any need to work on our M with me. So now we are supposed to work as a team to do this D - when we could not work as a team for our M!! LOL

This really jumped out at me. It pretty much says it all. In fact, I may just tell my H this when he starts pursuing the D again, which should be any day now that the holidays are over.

Growing up for some of these men is tough isn't it?

Hang in there.

[K4D]

How do you see online if a divorce has been filed? It sounds like you were able to see. I live in Texas and sometimes wonder if my wife will be upfront about it. At one point she was going to file when I decided to get out of the house to give her space in hopes she might calm down and change her mind. It didn't work obviously.

Kevin

[MsMelancoly]

How does he respond when you ask about his life? Will he engage in conversation with you?

Alternatively, does he share about his life in response to you sharing about yours?

Hey native, We don't talk about real personal issues. If I ask about his job, friend Bob, or family our conversations are fine and he gives info. But these are very "safe" topics. He on the other hand doesn't ask anything about my life ... not job ... not family ... nothing. That is one sign, I look for on the road to friendship. Haven't gotten there yet. (Yeah, so why did I initiate a hug & kiss??).

I also have apologized a few months back (but only accepting half the blame). He has not - not for anything. (Like you I would probably fall over if he did - lol). Compliments - on our last meeting, I missed some opportunities to compliment. And when he complimented me, I didn't do a good job of acknowledging them. In the past, post bomb, when I praised & complimented him - little changed. I think he has such a wall up - that I cannot break through.

Maybe I did more damage this last time .. don't know. Cuz, I showed him my new tv, my new snow thrower, my new, used computer. This seperation for me has meant more money in my pocket - while for him - it has meant less money & more debt.

I look at my cheese tunnels & I've probably been going down the same ones. More and more - I'm thinking the D tunnel, is the one.

[MsMelancoly]

Hi silverfox & kevin4dallas, Thanks for stopping by! Happy to hear some of my thoughts have helped others.

Yes, silverfox, Some men do need a lot of growing up. Does your H have a room full of toys?? Mine does, still at my house. Though my H is smart & collected toys that appreciate in value.

kevin4dallas, In my state I can just type the state name + public records (& then I looked up my H & myself). That's how I found out. When I did my heart dropped. A few days after finding out I sent him an email, not mean nor nice nor totally blaming him - basically thanking him & saying that we do not have what it takes for a good & loving M. This probably made him s**t his pants in fear. And I really thought he had his mind made up .... but still doesn't. So if you find out or not -get served or not- just play it cool.

[Loving_Life]

Hi MsM,

Just read your sitch- my stbx is in a band too, that recently fell apart. Part of me wonders if that band breakup stress helped lead to the d talk. I think it definitely makes them feel less successful. Native has a lot of good comments about being a hero, etc. So true. Those brick walls hiding feelings are tough too, I know- I'm facing this also. Sounds like you may have made a little progress with him talking to you lately though..

My problem is we have very little contact. Thus few opportunities for me to praise.

I'm in the same boat. Is he on any websites as your 'friend'? Myspace, facebook, etc. I've used these to update w. new pics of me GAL. Of course, dbing through emails too. It is harder with little contact, however, one perspective is that the feeling of permanent 'loss' could motivate your spouse to miss you.. That has worked for some people.

Hey, I'm from WI too. recently moved to west coast though... the 100 inches did me in! (that and my failing m)

[MsMelancoly]

Hi Loving_Life, Thanks for stopping by. You must have had to do some real searching to find my sitch (as I don't post much).

I never thought of the band thing that way - so true your comment about being successful. My H's band fell apart shortly after the bomb & a year after he filed. So I don't think the band had anything to do with D.

Nope, my H is poor, so he has no interent at home (so he says) & would be too afraid to be on the internet much at work.

No contact from my H since we last met on 12/21 - so really not much progress. Only, the illusion of progress when we meet. I will contact him after the 21st, to see if we can meet & get this D progressing. Trying to work on this M has been my cheeseless tunnel - no more. If he wants this M , then he can pick up the sword & start fighting for it.

I watched Pirates of the Carribean last night & there was a very good quote. "Tricky thing is it's not how you live, it's how you live with yourself."

[MichelleLT]

That's some darn good advice in that quote!