Hey Cyrena, lovely to hear from you.. you always sound like a little oasis of calm! Thank you so much for your post. Mish and T.. I am thnking about this latest angle and will post more! But yes, I am glad guys I ordered that book!! Also..T and Rob, I probs sound worse here.. in terms of him affecting my well being. In RL I am calm and chatty and make people laugh alot! I had a fantastic time back home and NYEve was great too, so I feel almost back to my old self, 95% (but a new improved me!?)

So wow Cyrena.. what you said makes sense. I agree and truly believe we could have a very much improved, mature R once he has learnt his lessons (as I have mine) and faced his fears. Can you believe he ACTUALLY said that to his BMF about Helen? Its the fear of ageing/dying, loss of youth, being able to pull.. etc. Such a textbook case! I guess his commitment to me was tested to breaking point, but a thread remains between us. Luckily for him, I am a very forgiving person and never 'bear a grudge' and dont really feel any anger toward him over all of this! I rarely get angry anyway, I cut straight to weeping!

BUT.. this latest news is a little intimidating. It was a bit of a graphic phrase and I am struggling imagining exactly WHAT she is doing to him. My BFF suggested a few scenarios that made me laugh (too filthy to repeat here). I am feeling a bit insecure about the thought of him coming back to the R one day and then ML to me.. and then, yes.. thinking of her! I imagine that would be hard, to have confidence in myself and not be full of fear he might end it again. BUT.. he KNOWS that that is not an option, thats why he has stayed away and wouldnt overstep the mark with me all year.

I realised I had sent my NYEve text later than I thought, so it would have got delivered at some early hours of the morning.. he then replied at 8.35am.. so he must have woken up, seen my text and replied straight away! Thats pretty huge I think. And he DID put a kiss and thats deliberate, as all of his communications with me this year have been so carefully controlled (except when he is drunk and then all hell breaks loose).

I made it clear to his BMF that I still love him, that I would forgive him this past year or more, that I DO understand its about facing fears, that I would not haul him over the coals for it and firmly believe we could put it behind us succesfully, if he wanted to come back. I did this deliberately as my ex confides in him it seems. I also stressed not to 'tell him' I was talking about him. His BMF is so ace.. he said he is meeting him in a few days for a drink and he is going to talk to him and find out WTH is going on.. and then he is going to tell me exactly what he said! So sweet.

We'll see. But wow, this sitch is still rumbling hey. Do my timescales match yours Cyrena? Takes ages hey...