Signs to say WAW woke up?

[25yearsmlc]

DD,

What is your goal? How are your actions helping you to reach it? Do you want a div? If so, hire the atty and listen to them carefully and do as they say, but without added rancor.

You sound angry in most of your posts and I hear the "need to be right", more than the desire to be happy. Been there, done that. I've been in a tough place before, and for a lot longer, was an LBSer now reconciled, so it does happen. Also saw an attorney, etc. The thing is, your anger is an obstacle to recon, IF that is what you want. I don't get that it is. I get the feeling you want to "win". But there are no winners in this. Lose the anger in front of your w, no matter what your goal is.

I suggest the book "What about the Kids?" as a good resource for how to help them get through this. IF you are getting a D, then you need to protect yourself, your future and most of all, your children. But the book will help both you and your w understand what the kids need to hear from you now. About how their lives are not over, that there is some continuity in their life, not everything will be different, etc. That their happiness is the priority to you.

Did you read the DB books? I found the 2nd one better for me, as I already know why divorce sucks. If you don't know that you want to save your m, then I suggest you read the first one more.

Honestly, what I'm saying to you is that I'm hearing lots of anger, and even some intolerance for those relying on their faith to help themselves, as well as resistance to change within you, (except as it relates to easing your pain. Hey, easing pain IS not a bad goal, we've all been there.) But the comment you made to someone, (SD?) about too much God stuff for your "pref", wasn't necessary to say, and So it intrigued me and I read your posts. I'm not offended by the comment, but I wonder what your goal was in saying it. Do you know?

I posted a little story about forgiveness under the Infidelity forum, although that was not the issue in my M. Forgiveness, however you obtain it and however you grant it, is a gift for you. It frees you to grow and live and not look backwards anymore. It enables you to improve as a man. It is mandatory, no matter what your w does. And you do not have to tell her you forgive her b/c she isn't relevant; forgiving isn't about her, it is about you and for you... Also, you are modeling behavior for your children, and they are watching you. Show them what a strong, dignified man does in the face of betrayal or heartbreak. Show them how a gentleman treats the mother of his children, even when she doesn't "deserve" it. (Watch yourself for that word, "deserve" b/c it is a sure sign you are coming from a place of anger and not love, and it does nothing to help a reconciliation down the road AND often makes you look like the bad guy.) Your children are watching you and you must show your children that when they face heartache, which they will, it is not fatal or eternal. That they will recover...because you will recover.

Otherwise, the anger will consume you. Even if your w was somehow 100% wrong and all the problems in the marriage were of her making, by your anger now, and what I suspect could continue in the future, at some point, others will forget her transgression and only see you turn into a bitter, angry man.

I'm sorry you are here, but you are in the right place.
(( j ))