Hi Purple - Happy New Year! That website is just packed with useful stuff, isn't it? I felt like I just had a few sessions with a T just by reading through page after page tonight...I literally had to stop myself.
How are you doing? Is your D back from the trip yet?
I have had similar revelations. For example, I have always known I need to be in control, but I had no idea the extent to which this problem had invaded even the smallest aspects of my relationship with my H, or with others for that matter.
I think I wrote about this in an earlier post on my thread. Once I realized I was doing too much to control all aspects of our relationship, I stopped. It has been amazing what that has brought to me. For example, H and I ended up with a lunch on Christmas day at his instigation that likely would not have occurred if I had not stopped controlling everything.
Like you, I have been actively avoiding controlling everything in all of my relationships, I want this change to be permanent and for me, so I figure it is best to apply it to all relationships. It is amazing how freeing it is to not worry about what others will do. Though I have not been that sucessful about not worruing what H will do.
As for giving advice here on the boards, I think it is different than fixing. I think you have reached that conclusion, too. I have no investment at all in whether a friend here does what I suggest. By that I mean my own feelings of worth are not impacted. Obviously I am invested in that I care about people here. It is okay with me if someone does not wish to do something I have suggested. I value very much all of the advice I get here. In fact I crave it.
Hearing all the different ideas about how to approach an interaction with our spouses, particularly since this is such unfamiliar territory, is so helpful.
How are you feeling today, Carlos? I hope you are doing well.
I think I found you on FB. If so, and the picture you have is of your two boys, they are beautiful.
I did not make a friend request because I thought you might not recognize the name. If you remember how I used to sign my posts and combine that with the knowledge that my last name begins with the same first letter of my current display name, you will recognize me.
Let me know if this makes sense, and I will send the request.
Hi V, Makes sense to me... I'm feeling okay this morning - still a bit of a hallow feeling in my chest, though I think that's to be expected...It's those glimpses of my W yesterday that got to me...though I know that I should let them go, because they could mean absolutely nothing - and other than making eye-contact and responding to my question about the vomit (lovely) she hasn't reached out to me or tried to communicate with me in any way at all...and perhaps she just won't.
Right now I'm just thinking a lot about what's ahead of me this year - just how much I have to do and how much I want to make it all work on a personal level. Of course, it didn't help that this morning, one of the first things I heard on the radio was about the horrible job market for people in my field - and how the MLA (Modern Language Assoc) conference in San Francisco is proving to be kind of depressing for a lot of graduate students...tells me there may be a lot of people looking for work next year...at all levels...but I won't let that stop me from moving forward...it just feels right right now.
If it feels right, then it is what you should do. I think we always know in our gut what is right for us. If pursuing this career is what will help keep you moving forward then do it. I agree that we have to look at economic indicators, but ultimately, we need to do what is right for us.
I think the pit in the chest that we feel is also of two sources and I think we mix those up too, or at least I do. I highly recommend tracing the source of any given feeling that is troubling, or good for that matter, because knowing the source tells us how to deal with the feeling.
That said, as you know, I get that empty pain in my chest, too. I have never experienced anything like it before all of this. The human body is a wonder.
As for your wife not communictaing with you, that is today. Tomorrow will bring what it brings but for now, you just keep working with what you have today. I know, follow my own advice, right?
Hi Veronica, The source, the source, the source...that's where a lot of the growth has happened for me - I noticed on your thread where you mentioned that sometimes it's hard to do what we have to do when the spouse is still in the house...and I think it's completely true. I'm at this odd point right now, where I am convinced that if my W hadn't moved out we would divorce without a doubt - but not that she is out of the house - I have had all this space and calm to look at my life - and see so many things that I want to change in myself. I have no idea if she'll get to that point - or if she's willing to take the journey for herself - so far she hasn't indicated as much at all - but I do know that as I continue to rely more on myself I get healthier and healthier each day.
Thanks also for just reminding me to focus on today - and not try to take care of tomorrow until it comes - sometimes that pain in my chest - that still unfamiliar and confusing feeling - just makes me think of her...even if I am telling myself to focus on other things...of course, I've been kind of sick for over a week now - and haven't been able to run or exercise much in my usual way...so that's been getting to me too...hopefully I'll get over this cough soon (it's been keeping me up at night too...and I think I made it worse by going for a couple runs back in Ohio...).
As for the future plans...I also tell myself that as the market eventually turns around funding for teachers will be restored...
I, too am convinced that by leaving, H preserved any chance we might have at reconciliation, of course, without knowing that was what he was doing. Without having left, he would never have realized I was not the source of his discontent (there is that source again). Also, like you, I have had so much time and peace to re-discover myself as an individual and to heal.
You make an excellent point about relying on yourself. I have not had to rely on myself for a very long time. I was way too needy. It has been so god for me to have to learn how to do this. I am learning to be quite good at it.
I agree that your being under the weather would definitely hinder your efforts to keep your focus elsewhere. And loss of sleep is a hugh hindrance.
You are handling things so well, give yourself some credit and be a little more patient with yourself.
I wonder how long it will take my W to look more at herself than me for her anger...she was back in her regular mode again this morning when she dropped off my baby boy. For some reason, she had expected to have him with her today (though he was with her all through the holidays) - and so a few days I gently suggested that I had expected today to be a regular Friday with him - just as tomorrow would be a regular Saturday. She didn't respond to the email I had sent her about today and tomorrow (at least not by email) and it wasn't until yesterday that she mentioned that I could have him today...
So, this morning she called, and said that "what they were doing" finished early - and so she brought him by earlier than expected - I had expected him until around 1pm - so this morning was nice...she called and said she was coming by just as I was looking at some biscotti my S11 and I had made before we left...it burnt a bit on the bottom...well, knowing that my W is an excellent baker - and makes cookies all the time - I just thought I would ask her if she knew a way to keep them from burning at all...to which she said, "I have no idea" turned and started to walk away...bitter and a bit angry...and so I just let it go and stayed friendly, and said, "oh, okay, I just thought they might be like cookies...see ya" - and I was just about to go back inside when she added, "maybe the oven temperature is just too high, I don't know." So I thanked her, said goodbye and went inside to play with the boys (who were already busy running around).
And now this...my S11 just got a Christmas card from my W's parents - well, from MIL - and she wrote, "...study hard and maybe we will see you this summer." For some reason that just kid of bugged me...don't want it to, but it did...since it felt kind of like a manipulative thing to include in the note...as I am sure she knew that I would read it too...
...just had another thought occur to me - I've made biscotti every Christmas for years - since just before I met my W - and I wonder if my asking her about it just reminded her that she wasn't part of something of mine that she used to share with me...part of the tradition that had evolved was for me to make biscotti for everyone in the family (her parents, my parents, aunts, uncles, friends) - it was like the extra present that we could give to everyone just to let them know we were thinking about them...perhaps I've gotten too detached - since that didn't even cross my mind when I asked her - I was just thinking about making more with my S11 tomorrow - and not wanting to have them burn this time...it was weird that they burned at all...though it was the first time I've made them using the oven in this house - and I had to get some new baking sheets since my W took the ones I had used for the last seven years...I wonder if the secret was her baking sheets...oh...I just remembered, along with saying that maybe the oven was too hot, she also said I should get an over thermometer - which just made me chuckle - since she took my oven thermometer with her when she moved out...oh well...I'll figure it out...which is probably best anyway.
Sounds like displaced anger to me, you know she is upset about something, perhaps like you said that she was missing out on a Christmas tradition, so she lashes out at the comment, but then, realizing how harsh it sounds, gives you an answer.
They really can confuse us with all the turmoil in their heads. This is probably one of those moments better left unscrutinized. I am working to learn how to distinguish those, too. Like I said, so much work for the LBS, right?
Well, thanks to you, I feel all fb savvy, now. I even figured out how to add my picture to my profile. I really am a throwback to another time, I think.
Do you ascribe to the two types of cooks theory - you know, the bakers and the cooks? I believe that people who spend their work time in jobs that stifle creativity, like me, lean toward cooking as opposed to baking because one can be a lot more "free" and liberal with cooking than one can be with baking(baking being so much more about chemistry and getting ingredients, measurements, temperatures and cooking times precisely right), while those in creative fields like the comfort provided by the constraints of baking. Just a half-baked (pardon the really bad and unintended pun)idea I have.
I love to cook and seriously entertained the idea of going to cooking school rather than law school but life being what it is, I did not.
I wonder the same thing about my X - When will she stop focusing on me as the source of her anger and unhappiness? The answer may very well be never, and even though it is sad, I'm prepared for that alternative.
