2 January 2009. What a year this one will be... I can tell already.
I am at home, I have days off till January 7th when I go back to work. Which is great, I needed the time off work desperately.
Yesterday H came around noon and left around 22:00 "to go to sleep". Both my kids asked him why he couldnt stay here to sleep but he said he had to go to work today... Whatever that means.
Before he left we started talking. A few things were mentioned. I said I felt like we are siblings and his reply was "noone said it was going to be easy". When I asked him how come he doesnt feel the need to hug, touch, kiss, or talk to me he said "why dont you?"? I told him HE needs to show me his love. He said he feels like we are siblings too. I thought he loved me and was in love with me and the rest...
I cant describe the talk we had. Overall, he thinks he will get the reactions he used to get from me and a couple of times I provoked him to "try" me. He talked about respect and trust and I told him right now he needs to earn those. He said he had been trying for years and I continued his phrase that whatever he had accomplished he destroyed last year. He didnt like that. I gave him the example of him leaving early the night before. I told him from all I know, he could be out with a woman, it wouldnt surprise me, I wouldnt be shocked, I expect anything from him. I dont trust him. He needs to earn my trust, my respect. As a man, not as a father.
As we were talking he pointed his finger and raised his voice and I just looked at him, I was sitting on the kitchen counter and told him he cant scare me anymore.He really cant. He said it wasnt his intention to scare me. But what I meant was not that I am scared of him, I am not scared that he will leave me or hurt me. That makes me...arrogant? Maybe a bit. I am like "if you like this, if you dont, take your little buckets and move on to an other sand beach." (Greek argo phrase)
He doesnt feel guilt I think. Nor remorse. I feel he thinks I am crazy for wanting "more". We had a big discussion about the gift. The bracelet. My BF saw it and she said "dear lord, that's not him, what's wrong with this guy?". She can tell, because she knows him, that, that was bought in a hurry. He said it was bought with love (his taste must have changed then). I tried calmly to explain what it meant, bla bla... His answer was "you want to dictate to me what to buy you?". He knows I am right, when he gave it to me he even said he was sure I wouldnt like it but he refuses to see the symbolism.
I dont know. I didnt even discuss time with him. He has no time and all these days he had off, the ones we were in the city, he didnt sleep here or stayed more than a friend would. No suggestion to go out for dinner, movie, theater, nothing... Last night after this (only) discussion he left and we didnt even say goodbye to each other.
I am starting to feel ...pain again. It's getting to me. Funny, detached doesnt allow to "piece" but when I feel my life connected more to him I feel hurt. K
When he says "ohhh, it is you again, your negative you, bla bla" I want to scream... It's not "me" and no matter how hard he tries he will not make me "me" again. I may lose my balance occasionally but there is no way I am going back...
Morning M! Wow.. well, at least you finally talked!! A few things struck me about what happened..
Firstly, WHY is he shouting and jabbing fingers at you !?? (and at the same time accusing you of being the old M still, reacting the same way).. sounds to me like HE is the one who is still being the old H, reacting in the old ways.. he hasnt changed has he, in your year apart? But you have. I dont thikn its acceptable that your partner should shout and point fingers and communicate with you in such an angry fashion. Thats not helpful! Have you tried to talk to him about that? I guess he would need IC to change his behaviour.
Secondly, it seems that perhaps he is really afraid of rejection or has too much pride, fear of failure, whatever, to reach out to you. He seems to be telling you taht when he says
"When I asked him how come he doesnt feel the need to hug, touch, kiss, or talk to me he said "why dont you?"? I told him HE needs to show me his love... Overall, he thinks he will get the reactions he used to get from me"
...so, perhaps if you DID open up to him or make yourself vunerable, he will respond? If you made moves on him, he would be more reassured?? But I guess you dont have to heart to hey.
I cant believe he left last night without saying goodbye!!! Thats not very loving! Thats not even courteous. Sounds like he was very embarressed and defensive about hte gift.. he seems to me that when you say these things to him, all he is hearing is "I'm not good enough, I f*cked up again"... maybe there would be time later in your R to make the point about thoughtful presents, but right now, things are such a mess, its like a sinking ship and its every man for himself.
Maybe you just need to talk more.. like you did last night.. can you ask him to set aside some time to TALK to you? Seems from an outsiders perspective, that you are misreading each other, or misinterpreting moods/actions all the time.
On the other hand, he is being pretty cr*p still.. like you say, not making the most of the days off in the city together and going home early for 'work'. Yeah right! So he can stay up till 4 am at the newspaper, but he needs to go get his beauty sleep at 10pm when he's with you? He's got his priorities all wrong, but hey, thats not news is it! You knew that already.
Anyway.. missed you too ! We must catch up soon! xxxxx
Welcome back. Just reading along.....you and all your friends. I am sorry to hear that there is no improvement in the situation, even after the trip. I hope things turn around for you soon. It looks to my untrained eye like you guys are stuck in neutral and nobody wants to make a move. I am sure both you and your husband have your justifications but someone will have to stick their neck out, take the bull by the horns (please add your own cliche here)....if this relationship has any chance of going forward.
Enjoy your time away from work. Take some time for yourself. recharge your batteries.
He does not acknowledge that he has caused pain, or that he has anything really to make up for.
He does not find himself able to even VERBALLY express deep and profound love for you at this point. Let alone show ANY physical manifestation of such a love towards you.
He has already resorted to anger and accusations towards you because you are frustrating him. Well, I am sorry, he does not get to be frustrated quite this early. His patience must be nearly infinite at this point, after all he has put you through.
This is not a man who recognizes ANYTHING about what the past couple years have meant to you.
He simply wants BACK what he once HAD.
A relationship where little is required, and where a small effort on his part will be acceptable to you.
Clearly I am not there, so I cannot know for certain that you have given him every chance to both understand your needs and begin to meet those needs. But it sounds from your posts like you have.
Going on the trip was a last ditch effort in my opinion. I thought that perhaps there, away from the pressures of work, he would SHOW you the depth of his love for you, that he would EXPRESS how much he needs you in his life.
I am now not sure that he is capable of such a thing.
If he is now to the point of blaming you for the lack of progress, he is not the man that he needs to be.
He should be turning over EVERY stone, making EVERY effort, paying ANY price to win your love back. And I don't care what anyone else has to say about him being afraid and scared. It's absolutely ridiculous to think that a grown man could be THIS clueless.
I am left with believing that it's just not that important to him.
It is time to move on.
Perhaps when papers are filed, he will find his manhood.
It is certain that, for now at least, he has left his manhood far behind. He is nothing but a little boy.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Wow, Bill....sounds like you are describing my husband to me...ouch!
Kalni, wow, a lot to think about. Or not, I guess, depending on you. Lots of good points have been made here. It feels familiar, any problems in getting back together must be our fault not theirs...sigh
You are strong and you will do what you must do, either way. Wish I had wiser words...love ya
Bill, believe me, I am closer to letting go than I may seem to be. I am holding on still because to be honest the fact that he seems happy with the situation throws me off balance. I am thinking "things cant be that bad if he is content (not happy) with the pace of this". But then I am not content nor happy and quite frankly I am sinking deeper and deeper in "misery". I realised I feel rejected again. Which isnt good.
I decided I will go on with my life as if we were separated heading for a divorce. Make plans with friends (I am going out tonight), taking care of me, give the kids over weekends to him and see where that takes us. No matter how noble and nice the idea of our family back together is, it may not be possible anymore. It's no use wishing things will fall back together if both of us dont want the same things...
Today, he called me once. Around noon. While driving from the one work to the other. Back to ...normal. K
Ali, yestreday I said I wished we had talked more. He said "what about?". When I said I am sure there are things couples discuss he insisted on a ...list. When I replied I cant think of a list he said "typical Maria, you dont know what you want but still want it". I ended the discussion right there.
When he pointed his finger at me I told I am not afraid of him anymore. He said he was trying to make a point because "as usual" I dont listen to him...
Yes, he is being selfish and arrogant and getting angry. And quite frankly, I am selfish too. K
Hey Kalni, wow, what time are you going out! Is it already 10pm there? Have a good time!
I am sorry that he seems to be throwing hurtful words at you and blaming you for the current state of your R. I dont see him making much effort, or acknowledging, or thanking you for all the effort you have put in in the past 18 months to keep the love alive and to give him another chance, in spite of his leaving and his A. I take it you never got to ask him about the EA/PA when you were away then?
Could you think of a list and give it to him anyway, of things you'd like to discuss? (like the PA!?). I wonder how he would react if you did? Or was he just being sarcastic asking for one? I cant tell.
So.. apt as always, here are our monthly stars for Pisces for January: There's an easy way to avoid stress. Just do nothing. Lower your standards. Drop your expectations. Drop out. Back off. Mind your own business. Keep your heart to yourself. Life won't be very interesting or meaningful if you take the above advice - but, at least, you'll be protected from too much intensity. And that's what you want, isn't it? It isn't? Then you had best be more philosophical about the situation you now find yourself in. It may be taking a lot out of you, but it is giving back something perfect. You are living and you are learning. And, surprisingly early in 2009, you will come to be glad of all that is proving so hard.
