Do not worry about pandora's box. maybe he feels more comfortable trying innovative sexual behavior with this OW because SHE IS NOT AS IMPORTANT TO HIM AS YOU WERE/ARE, so it is not as much as a risk. that is normally the reason. there is a big discussion of this in "passionate marriage"!! I am so glad you ordered it!!
I mean, from what *I* understand, it's not about what you *do* in bed, it's about the emotional connection that you have while you do it. (this might seem to contradict what I just said in the above paragraph, but... just read PM and it will make sense). Do not let yourself be threatened by the OW's "dirtiness" or whatever. Maybe, down the line, it will be a developmental task for you to face on your own, to stretch yourself sexually. But you can do that with integrity, for YOURSELF. Again, discussed extensively in "passionate marriage"!!
I know you feel frustrated right now. But keep making yourself happy and living your own life. It is OK if he "feels gone". Sometimes they have to REALLY detach before they can come back. If the picture is confusing, it is because he is, as we've heard, confused. But that doesn't mean that YOU have to be confused. It sounds like he does not KNOW the truth, so how can he be expected to share it with someone else? All I'm saying is, things are looking GOOD, but he still has some more journey to complete, on his own, before he can really be ready to love someone the way you want to be loved. And that is OK!!!
Do not worry about the extended NC either. My RL friend who is DB'ing went through 3 months of NC, and when it was over... slowly... her man emerged to make his interest in reconciliation clear. It can be very healing.
One thing I've noticed about your sitch is that your wellbeing seems to still be very linked to interactions with BF (or lack thereof). I think this is normal, but from my POV it seems that it might be necessary for your wellbeing to become less linked to BF's behavior before you are ready to reconcile. (I think I struggle with this myself, because I am concerned that if I really "let go", who will be there to make sure at least ONE of us loves the other? But that is my own stuff...)
