so sad right now- so very very sad. dont know if it is the anniversary of the bomb or the weekend i had. (tried dating...all it has done has recreated or pushed or something the desire for xh in my life).
so sad
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Thanks for the warm welcome back and holiday wishes. I think about you two a lot and am always sending good thoughts your way.
Cagz, I totally understand your reasons on not jumping on the invitation. For me, well, I guess I have always had a fear of being too cynical or cautious with my xh... you see, I would love to know that he both trusts and forgives me- and I have always thought that I have no right to want those things if I can't give them in return. NOW, let me say that it has not always been the healthiest choice to blindly trust or forgive. But, I know that I once screwed up, and I also know that I am not the same person I once was. So, again, I have to believe that it is possible with other folks.
My first thought when I read your reason was "odd that he wants Cagz as a best friend...." I mean, to alleviate guilt- yeah, I understand that to some point. But, I firmly believe that your significant other has to be your best friend if you want your relationship to work---so...what does this say about his chances for a meaningful relationship with someone else? I mean, if you are the best friend, well, where does that leave another woman?
I do understand that you do not want to get burned. And, I am so happy that no one jumped on here and said, "Oh, it sounds like he wants you back!" (People do that all the time and it makes me crazy!) I would have to guess that none of us, not even you, Cagz, know his true motives for wanting to go on that car trip. And, if you felt that saying yes was not healthy for you, I think that you did the right thing. However, I would not rule out any future invitations...
Go to Frank's thread and read the long post by 25yearsMLC (I think that is the right name). It is a huge post- I think you will get a lot out of it. I am not saying that in the manner to win your H back... believe me, in this time off the BB I have seen that my efforts to do that set me back quite far! Sometimes posts like that one really make me think, and I believe it will do the same for you.
I am sorry that you are so sad right now. I know it is such a tough time. My thoughts and prayers are with you (and TP, too).
Just keep doing what you think is right. Only time will heal all of this, one way or another. I don't think I ever really appreciated time the way I now do--- I was in such a rush to "fix" things that I was going through motions at times when I really needed to reflect on things.
I hope you do get to a point that you can take a car trip with your X. But, only if you can do it with no expectations. Just as a way to enjoy him, as a friend. There is nothing that says you need to be there yet. He really hurt you. But, don't rule it out, that's all.
Follow your heart Cagz. You have excellent instincts. Do only what is best for YOU. Enough is enough with these ML'ers.
Only you will know what to do.
I think about you everyday Cagz. It is so painful right now. Set your boundaries and keep them. You deserve a healthy happy life. You are a great person. Your ex is a fool right now and I know he will come to regret his behaviors.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Because we have experienced the "good" in our ex's.
Because we know what they are capable of.
Because we have the ability to love unconditional.
Because we know what the definition of a family is.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Learning to let go and lay my life in the hands of the Almighty. Learning to trust and hope in God alone. Learning to not hope for what I want for Him to do - but in the truth that He wants more for me then I could ever imagine.
Doesn't mean I don't want my marriage restored. Doesn't mean that I dont love my x. Doesn't mean anything OTHER THEN....
MY HOPE IS IN THE LORD to do more than I can imagine with this broken little girl.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
No statements from me about how this is going to be a better year... I certainly hope it is, but only YOU can determine that...not me, not anyone else on this board.
Cagz, I sure don't want to sound as if it is such an easy thing, either. It isn't. I don't know if I have it better or worse than most people here. My XH has never really been out of my life for any period of time over a few days. Sometimes I wish he would just move on and give me no reason to hold on anymore. But, then I remember that it is all within my own grasp and if it is not making me happy to hold on, well, then why in the hell am I doing it?
You learned the art of letting go so much better/faster than I did. I know that it does not mean that you let go of hope for a reconciliation, but rather that you let go of trying to control what is going on with your X. I applaud you for how well you have done. And, it doesn't mean that it hasn't hurt, of that I am sure. I think sometimes we see posts on here that make it look so easy and it makes us wonder what is wrong with us! Well, that happens to me, anyway. So, I thought I would take a moment to tell you that you are doing fine, my friend.
How were your holidays? Mine were more of the same! XH came here on Christmas Eve (with a ham- no more of me taking care of everything!) and didn't leave until late Christmas night. Yep, we even slept in the same bed. First time in forever--- I want to say 2 years. It was all very natural and good.
He opted out of New Years, and for once I did not push. I never brought it up- figured that if he wanted to he would. He didn't. He did start texting me at about 7 that night and continued on back and forth for 2 solid hours. I accept that it was all that he had to give. Instead of pouting about it I chose to let it be what it was. I think he feels relieved! He texted me last night too--- seems he is spending a lot of time thinking.
Tomorrow night we have a date planned. I kind of like this idea of not seeing him as much as I was and doing things away from this house. We shall see how it goes. No expectations here. I have the sinking feeling that I will get to the point where I realize that what he has to give/ feels safe giving is just not going to be enough for me. I guess it is easier to make that realization when I feel like I am in control. It is weird, but everytime he makes a decision concerning us it just devestates me. When I get to do it on my own, from a place of power, I guess (since he is making advances towards me), I can think a lot more rationally and clearly. Human nature, I guess. Just trying to be honest here--- I hope I don't sound like an awful person.
So, who knows, Cagz, where either of us will end up? I would like to hear your goals for the new year! I am trying to get up the guts to sign up for a triathalon this year. Training starts next month. There is no real reason I can't do it- only fear would stop me. Do you have any new goals?
Take care, and happy new year. I look forward to seeing your continuing growth.
