I'm here........

[SueS]

Hello!

Well, here we are in 2009! Happy New Year everyone!

Not a very eventful new year's eve. D4 and I had a great "stay at home day" (that's what she calls a day off) on New Years Eve. H called from work and talked to us a couple of times. He went out for a few hours with co-workers (that's what he said anyway). He was home by 9:00. He'd obviously had a few drinks. Wasn't really drunk, but it didn't take more than a few beers at home to put him out for the night. That was my clue that he had actually been out for beers.

I want to say thank you to everyone for all the support.

Joyful....HI!! Thanks for coming back to lend me your thoughts. I'm glad I was able to help in the past. And I'm glad you're hear helping me. I hate to say it, but you're right. I would let him back in. I guess I need to head back to my counselor and talk to her about me. Not me and H, but me. It's only been in the past year that I've realized that so much of being the child of an alcoholic truly has affected the way I am today. I don't want to use it as an excuse. I talked to my mom about it a few months back. My grandfather was also an alcoholic. He was abusive, as where my dad was just a sloppy drunk. Never abused us or my mom. I asked my mom a lot of questions. It was amazing how alike we are. My mom is a very, very giving person. She is the first to step up and help someone. I've always seen my mom as someone who isn't really afraid to step up. She admitted to me that it takes everything she has to do that. Everything she has to put herself out there, to be the center of attention in anything. I told her that it's almost painful for me to be that person too. How it's so incredibly uncomfortable to be the fun, joking person until I really get to know you. I've so often been told by my friends that I'm a completely different person once they get to know me.

starting.....I have gone to an Alanon meeting. It's been a very long time now, but I did go. It's hard to get your H to understand why you'd want to attend an Alanon meeting when they don't think that there's an alcoholic in the family. I think that deep down my H does know that he has a problem.....it's just not cool to admit it. I also think that the main reason that he keeps putting off his court date isn't because of this or that coming up.....it's because he knows that the judge will make him abide by the Substance Abuse Counselor's suggestion of him abstaining from alcohol for 6 months. It also makes me wonder if that's part of his cooling off with me. Obviously not the major part, but a part of it. I spoke very honestly with the counselor about his problem and how it has affected us. She did note that in the paperwork sent to the courts.....and a copy to H.

I don't know where my heart or my mind is right now. They're both all over the place. I'm trying to find something to concentrate on and even that is hard. It was very comforting yesterday to sit my D4 and read books, work on puzzles and see her happy face.

Have a good Friday!

SueS