New poster, random thoughts

[WaitingPatiently]

Hi Newgal,

How are things going? How was your New Years? Any new thoughts today? My head is spinning. I'm really beginning to realize the it is very true that as long as the WAS is involved with OP then there is very little hope. They have to stop the A before progress can be made. Anyhow, that's just what I am beginning to see.
WP

[Silent Chrleader]

Obviously this is a very personal decision, and each sitch is different. Having been with my H since I was basically a kid (17), the idea of "dating" is very foreign to me, and I honestly never felt deprived (although apparently my H did).

My H says he is done and he is committed to "moving toward divorce". However, due to the fact that we have a lot of debt due to just finishing our 'dream home' and the depressed economy right now, we have some very tricky financial issues right now. If we just divorced, since we are in a community property no fault state, it could really hamper us being able to take care of the financing issues we have now and both of our financial pictures and credit could go down the drain. We have always paid our bills on time and have very good credit. So, basically it does behoove us both to work together financially as much as we can comfortably do to get through this as best we can.

I love my H with all my heart, or at least the man that I know is inside him, and will until the day I die. I know I will never feel for anyone the way I feel for him. But there is a man I work with that I do connect with and I think I could have a lot of fun with. My C has encouraged me to not be afraid to spend time with others because he thinks it is very important for my own self growth to see that there is life other than my H out there and that I do have choices!

So, I am not talking about jumping into a relationhsip. I have only ever been with my H (and up until OW, he had only been with me). For me, sex is something in a committed monogamous relationship, and I don't feel at this time that I could feel comfortable doing that while I am still married. Having said that, I will say that I have talked to my H about spending time with this man, and he has encouraged me to do so (the bas**rd), so I am not going to feel guilty for choosing to enjoy myself with someone else. I guess this could be considered dating, since it is with another single person. But at this point it is for fun and companionship and support (he just got out of a relationship too). I am going to try to not feel guilty about it!

And, by the way, thanks for your input on my thread, WIT!

((((((WIT))))))

[whateverittakes]

Thanks Silent Cheerleader.

My therapist has encouraged me to date as well...I'm not sure what dating means. But for me it doesn't mean getting involved beyond a friendship. Her pov is that this is an opportunity for my self-growth as well. Problems in the m weren't just problems for my h; I had unhappiness too. I can't force a recon(even though I want one) but I can use this time to learn more about myself in many different ways, including spending friendly time with other men. And some of that learning, along with all of the gal I am doing may mean that I choose divorce before my h does.

We're all choosing self-growth in different ways. I think it's important not to judge each other. I know what my marriage vows mean and what boundaries I therefore continue to accept willingly and live by as a result. I love myself, including my values. The disappointment that I feel in my h for no longer sharing those values is profound. Not all marriages can or should be restored; that doesn't mean that infidelity has to be a part of their ending.

Good for you for not feeling guilty; I don't either!

[karen43]

My therapist has encouraged me to date as well...I'm not sure what dating means. But for me it doesn't mean getting involved beyond a friendship.

I don't want to make you feel guilty in any way. But I think your thinking is a lot like what my H and other WAS were thinking when they first started their As. We're just friends, we're just going for coffee or lunch, and then at a certain point, it was more than friends....I don't think my H and the married OW he's in an A with, both with kids, really planned it either. I mean I think that kind of stuff is playing with fire. If that's what you want, then go ahead and date, but don't just kid yourself you're just going to be friends. I think we've all heard that way too many times around here. Karen

[JWM]

I wanted provide a little different perspective that I got from my pastor. He said as does MWD in DB books, that as long as one person in the M wants the M it is not over. He said 95% of all affairs end in 18 months. It is biological. When new love chemicals wear off they will see the new "love" as they really are. The history, children, life they has with the LBS is a strong tie. He said almost 100% of spouses that commit adultery try to return to the marriage at some point.

As LBSs we need to figure out if we want to wait.

[Silent Chrleader]

100% of spouses who commit adultry try to return to the marriage at some point?? Well that's encouraging! I'd like to know where that statistic came from, so I can verify it!!

I'm going to step out on a limb here, and let me preface by saying that I do NOT mean to offend anyone at all. I believe that everyone on these boards are genuine caring people here to support each other and find support as best they can! Having said that, I will say I know that many on these boards have found religeon as a good support during this time (and of course many I'm sure had a real "relationship with God" before their sitch began). I understand this and have respect for this and support these people's choices as the best for them. Because of these beliefs, many talk about the sanctity of marriage in those terms. But, that type of "faith" is just not for me, so I do not put so much "authority" in those types of arguments for myself. It's not so much that I don't believe in God, I just don't define "God" as the organized religeons I have been exposed to do.

Again that's my own personal decision for me, but I really do try to respect others decisions for themselves. Cases in point.....SMW, Tomato, sandi2, hoosiermama.....and numerous other are all obviously warm, loving, giving, wonderful, honorable people who I really respect and they have found comfort and strength in faith and share that with people on these boards. That's a beautiful thing I think, even if I myself don't share their particular beliefs. But, I do want to say that we on these boards should be careful about getting into the un-supportive place of judging others by our own personal "beliefs".

I have seem people on these boards standing for their marriage when their WAS is married to the OP. I genuinely admire these people, for their strength and conviction and doing what they feel is right in spite of opposition. I know many in the world see this as "not letting go". And perhaps it is, but each of us has to make the best decision we can for ourselves. And MWD also said herself in DR that one of the things she did not anticipate and was sorry for in her DB book, was the fact that some people used her advice as a reason for "remaining miserable" and standing for a lost marriage. MWD said herself that she does not advocate this at all.

So, I guess my whole point in this LONG dissertation, is that I think we need to be kind to ourselves and to others on this board. Understand that we are all very different people and that differences are a very beautiful life enriching thing!! And we should all keep in mind that "God" (however one defines him/her) may have different plans for us than we think, so perhaps we should remember that and be open to the opportunities for happiness that come our way. They may be the man upstairs trying to tell us something? Maybe not.....but maybe so.....

I think the trick may be to, again, just be kind to yourself, and take things very, very slow, and enjoy each day as it is revealed to you. Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans!! Live the moment!! Each moment is beautiful and pure and a gift!!

I really do love you all!! Before this, I have NEVER been on a computer "blog". I really lurked for many months, thus my name "Silent" Cheerleader. But you have all really helped me more than I can say, and I am very thankful for having you in my life, even in this small way!!

[Sugar and Spice]

Silent Cheerleader...that was a beautiful post.

[JWM]

Silent Cheerleader, the 100% was based on his experience as a pastor. I agree it is not based on statistics. Here is what he told me. He said the ties from a long M are still there: history, children, home, financial, family, and others. The new R never lasts and the WAS always begins to realize what they have destroyed and will want to come back. The fact that many M are not restored after infidelity are due to the LBS not accepting them back, the piecing does not work, or the LBS begins a new R.

[WaitingPatiently]

JWM,

That's encouraging and I believe it to be true in certain situations. Especially ones where both spouses shared the same spiritual convictions (or at least they appeared to). I believe that all WAS will at some point realize that what they left behind was far better than their new life (unless they left behind an abusive relationship). My W and I had a wonderful marriage full of great memories and very long history. She knows I'm a good man, father, and husband, and she goes around telling people how bad she feels for hurting me. That being said, she still feels strongly that she is no longer in love with me and that we have grown apart. I think a day of reckoning will come for her and she will look back at this with regret. I don't plan on jumping into any new relationships anytime soon, but I also will not wait around forever. If God puts a new woman in my life who loves and honors Him first and who loves me second than I probably will move on at some point. I just hope that my W becomes that woman first!
WP

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, JWM, for sharing that and giving me hope. That is a very much valued commodity in my life these days!

((((((((((hugs))))))))))