When do the tears go away ?

[whitneypinch]

Dear Tom,

When I wrote my "rant" I think I was as low as I had become since the B. I had been in a horrible spot for the last week. It was probably enhanced by the holidays and the fact that my W was running hot and cold with me.

Due to your fantastic guidance/experience and that of another poster on this board something has started to change in me in the last 24 hours. I believe I am starting to drop the rope. At least I "may" be starting to detach (in a loving way). At least I am not feeling as needy.

Yes, of course there were problems in m M and I was aware of them. I was just starting to research about them when the B hit. That is in the past now. So yes, I am starting from a beginners mind. I am starting to finally accept that this is my journey and my W is on her own. I had really been caught up in feeling that my wife truly did not care about me and was not effected at all by this. Another poster has finally made me understand that my W is also probably going through some tough pain. I don't want to see her in pain, but in some small way it makes me realize that I did matter.

Anyway, I just watched the 212 movie and it was fantastic inspiration. It actually charged me up. I am a very upbeat guy. I am known to posses a great passion for life. That is what my W feel in love with. I had lost that. I believe it's coming back again. I want to try and enhance that and just stay focussed on that for me and my children.

On new years I sent a few texts out to some friends and was amazed at the wonderful responses I got back. Sometime we forget about who we have become. I guess the incredible love and devotion to my kids has become really evident to the people around me. It's just so natural that I didn't notice it. I had been focussing so much on what I don't have with them, when they are not with me. I have to turn that around an focus on my career when they are not with me.

Today I am in a great place. As we all know the challenge is to try to stay in that place. It's a roller coaster and sometimes it can change in a blink of an eye.

The funny thing happened. I was texting with my W a bit and trying to keep the conversation going. She basically ended it and said I will talk to you when I get back in 12 days. I was so hurt that she just blew me off. It hit me pretty hard. Guess what happened???? A day after she told me that my daughters tooth fell out an my W sent me a text and phoned me. I had a nice little conversation and got off the phone. Normally I would send a follow-up text saying how nice it was to talk to her etc. This time I didn't even think of it. That I believe is the first feeling of "dropping the rope". What I had been doing had not helped with our R and quiet frankly had been really messing me up.
All of this is here for a reason. if my W decides she wants to come back then that is great. If she does not then there is also something else even greater going to come my way.

It's time for me to take back MY life and live it to the fullest for myself and my kids !!!

So, Tom thank you again for helping me see and feel even more !!!