2 January 2009. What a year this one will be... I can tell already.
I am at home, I have days off till January 7th when I go back to work. Which is great, I needed the time off work desperately.
Yesterday H came around noon and left around 22:00 "to go to sleep". Both my kids asked him why he couldnt stay here to sleep but he said he had to go to work today... Whatever that means.
Before he left we started talking. A few things were mentioned. I said I felt like we are siblings and his reply was "noone said it was going to be easy". When I asked him how come he doesnt feel the need to hug, touch, kiss, or talk to me he said "why dont you?"? I told him HE needs to show me his love. He said he feels like we are siblings too. I thought he loved me and was in love with me and the rest...
I cant describe the talk we had. Overall, he thinks he will get the reactions he used to get from me and a couple of times I provoked him to "try" me. He talked about respect and trust and I told him right now he needs to earn those. He said he had been trying for years and I continued his phrase that whatever he had accomplished he destroyed last year. He didnt like that. I gave him the example of him leaving early the night before. I told him from all I know, he could be out with a woman, it wouldnt surprise me, I wouldnt be shocked, I expect anything from him. I dont trust him. He needs to earn my trust, my respect. As a man, not as a father.
As we were talking he pointed his finger and raised his voice and I just looked at him, I was sitting on the kitchen counter and told him he cant scare me anymore.He really cant. He said it wasnt his intention to scare me. But what I meant was not that I am scared of him, I am not scared that he will leave me or hurt me. That makes me...arrogant? Maybe a bit. I am like "if you like this, if you dont, take your little buckets and move on to an other sand beach." (Greek argo phrase)
He doesnt feel guilt I think. Nor remorse. I feel he thinks I am crazy for wanting "more". We had a big discussion about the gift. The bracelet. My BF saw it and she said "dear lord, that's not him, what's wrong with this guy?". She can tell, because she knows him, that, that was bought in a hurry. He said it was bought with love (his taste must have changed then). I tried calmly to explain what it meant, bla bla... His answer was "you want to dictate to me what to buy you?". He knows I am right, when he gave it to me he even said he was sure I wouldnt like it but he refuses to see the symbolism.
I dont know. I didnt even discuss time with him. He has no time and all these days he had off, the ones we were in the city, he didnt sleep here or stayed more than a friend would. No suggestion to go out for dinner, movie, theater, nothing... Last night after this (only) discussion he left and we didnt even say goodbye to each other.
I am starting to feel ...pain again. It's getting to me. Funny, detached doesnt allow to "piece" but when I feel my life connected more to him I feel hurt. K
