When I read this page I found myself going through the history of my life and pinpointing different moments when my "fixer" attitude ended costing me a friend or a part of myself...very revealing stuff to read - and, my goodness, if it doesn't highlight some of the ways in which I matched the needs of my wife when we first met...as the fixer it was all too easy for her to come to depend on me too much...and somehow, over the last couple years, her excessive dependence on me was something I had come to resent...even though I had contributed to it so very much (and didn't even know it).
I'm pulling back a lot these days with my S11 - not saying much to him about how he does things (like putting away dishes) - and I find that holding back on the urge to "fix" things as a parent is also helping him become even more independent...he's just naturally starting to do more around the house - and is just picking up on more little things that I used to do for him in the past (as in just two or three months ago). I'm going to take this non-fixer attitude into more things...so how it goes...it really fascinates me...and I even got to wondering about how many of us are still driven a bit by that fixer impulse when we post to one another and try to offer the right advice on what might make us better...it doesn't feel the same, though...because the fixer in me always wanted to stop talking when the fixing came out - and just couldn't...here I don't think I know better than anyone else or that I can find a way to fix anything for anyone...it's more of a matter of offering support and compassion...which isn't often part of the fixer attitude - which is far more self-serving (or so I have realized of late).
I used to think my W was just making things up when she accused me of controlling her...I can see where she gets that now...it makes a lot more sense...and I can see how my offering too much advice...too many "solutions" did start to feel like a mode of control - rather than the expression of love or concern I thought it was...I know this must seem so obvious to a lot of you...but, damn...if it's not a real revelation to me...yet another degree of humility...that's good...that's very good.
