My Heart is Breaking #12

[MidwesternGirl]

hi nlt:

I am glad you are with your parents.

It is pretty darned loud outside. I am keeping the dogs with me in my room.

[25yearsmlc]

Company is about to arrive as it's only 9 pm here.

But Happy New Year's to all of you, and us, and may 2009 bring us closer to Him, and those in our lives. May we all find peace within, and learn to live a life with laughter and joy and may we all learn to trust again, to love again, whether it be the WAS or a new person...may we re-learn what it means to be happy, and bring happiness to those in our lives.

NLT, in time, more will be revealed to you as to what happened, and what you can do NOW, going forward. You have a lot to absorb. (And don't think for a minute that I'm blaming you for OW--I just think it is a good idea for the LBSer to work out whatever issues they'd change if they could, for their future. So IF the WAS comes back the M has a better chance of succeeding anyhow. B/C Both people have to change, even if it's ALL his fault -and OW - as forgiveness is hard work, for you to forgive him, for him to forgive himself, etc)

May we be the best we can be, and may God give us the guidance and strength to know His will, and to follow it.

Cheers!
(( j ))

[happynow]

Hi MWG,

Yes, my dogs are in my room also. They do not like it with all the fireworks going on. They didn't stay out long at all!!!

In fact, one of them is already in my bed. Oh well, she will keep me warm.

Happy New Year!!
(((HUGS)))

[happynow]

Hi 25 years!

Thank you so much for posting to me.

I agree my H does have a lot of issues to work out. He never felt like he was loved by his parents, he was 12 years younger than his brother so he knew he was a mistake & I believe his mother always made him feel that way.

I'm working on forgiveness & I know he will have to forgive himself, problem is this family thinks they are always right & everyone else is wrong. I do have a feeling things will change after a while, I hope so anyway.

Happy New Year!!!
((((HUGS))))

[25yearsmlc]

NLT,

Can't post much now. Had a really fun New Year's Eve with about 12 people including our 3 kids...really nice...

Just responding to a comment about your h being 12 years younger than a sibling...so what? We have a d11, almost 12 years younger than our s22 and (d19 too) and neither our first nor our last child was exactly "planned", but we are so grateful for all three and were excited by the first surprise and the last...I think the youngest one is a "scrapper" and has helped me feel younger longer, more active, etc. Anyhow,

don't know what it means to say your h's family always thinks they're right...do they support his decisions lately? Is he closer to them now, geographically? Were they an "issue" for him in his adult life? What was your R like with them?

ALso, sorry to harp, but each of you has things to work on. Not just him. I'm not assigning blame, simply observing what seems obvious to me. You have stuff to work on, like all of us. You have no control over what your exh will or won't work on. The SINGLE thing you have control over is what you will do with your life.

The good news is that you are in charge of that and as soon as you take charge, your life will move in new directions you never thought of before. Hey, I know you are deeply wounded. I'm just saying that where the head goes, the heart will follow. You have no power over him and that sucks. But in reality, it was always true...the illusion of control over him, was just that;an illusion.

Yes, he'll wake up someday. To what? Don't know. When? Don't know. "In time?" Don't know...it all goes back to you and the choices you make now, going forward. Look to the past for lessons and mistakes to avoid, learn from them...and then move forward. That isn't giving up hope. It's the opposite of giving up. IF you wallow in despair and focus on what HE has done TO you...you'll be stuck where you are and stay stuck, as a victim...

Or are you someone who took a blow to the gut hard, slipped and fell...and then got up? Are you a victim or a survivor? I think so.

It's all up to you now. You know the financial dimensions, you have no kids to deal with (I know there's a huge downside to that, but since it cannot be changed now, look at the upside instead...) so you have a lot of freedom...

Try to use that freedom wisely, grow closer to Him, know yourself, grow as a woman and friend...and trust the results to Him. Do your best as a woman and then turn it over.

((( hugs )))
j-

[happynow]

Hi 25 years,

I'm so glad you had a good new years eve!! That sounded like fun.

I know for some it doesn't matter but for my H's family it did. His mother is something else. She is the boss, she is never wrong & I always felt sorry for his Dad. When he would try to tease with her she would get so mad & when his Dad went on oxygen she told me that she couldn't stay with him 24 hours a day to wait on him. She knew that made me mad b/c my Mom was with my CP brother for almost 36 years, 24/7. After she had a stroke his Dad took care of her until he died. He was actually happier b/c he felt needed before her stroke he would just sit in his chair & do nothing, he couldn't even watch TV, she had total control. I could tell she never cared for my H as much as she did the middle son & the older brother & my H always knew it. It is a strange & disfunctional family. His middle brother does support him but they thought OW had money (she doesn't), his wife has money & that is why he has stayed with her. That was never an issue with my H, in fact he didn't want any part of their money until this OW came along & then he tried to get close to them. He only wants to be around them when he needs them, the brother doesn't see that but the brother's wife see's it. Other than that he never was close. He didn't tell any of them about OW until after I found out & then he didn't tell his mother until she got smart with me & I told her that he had done me wrong & she knew it. That was last Xmas. His oldest brother lives in Scotland & he doesn't approve of what he has done. The middle brother & their mom lives in KY. I had a really good R with his family, I was the favorite of the DIL's with his mom & his dad. The middle brother liked me as long as H liked me but H told lies & he believed him. I know he was only covering what he had done. His SIL talked to me & told me that herself. She told me that all he was saying she knew was not true b/c she knew how I was.

I am a survivor & I will get thru this. I try not to dwell on what he has done to me. When I think about it I just stop & say "H, I forgive you & bless you". I'm working on me & being a better person & growing closer to Him. I do hope & pray for my H's return but I just don't know. I do believe there is such a thing as mental telepathy & sometimes there is such a strong feeling, but I really don't know for sure.

Thank you so much for your advice!!! I really appreciate it!!! I am working on me. Sometimes I have a pity party, but for me I just feel like he is on a trip & will be back. Not sure it that will happen but sometime I feel that way, then I think about who & where he is, that's when I stop & say "H, I forgive you". I have to do that for me!!

I am doing my best to turn it over to God, "let go let God". That is easier said that done, I'm really trying but I'm not exactly sure how. I'm working on it!!!

Thanks again!!! This site is wonderful & I appreciate everyone on here & all the advice & support!!

((((HUGS))))

[MidwesternGirl]

It takes time, nlt, to let go completely and allow God to do His work. You are sounding better and that is good.

[happynow]

Thanks MWG,

I'm trying so hard!!! I am better, like I said I still have pity parties but seems like I get over it better than I did before. And, this site does help when I can come here & vent.

Today my Mom & I went to town, their coffee maker had quit so they got a new one. We came home & played cards. We are enjoying being together & are having a good time.

[MidwesternGirl]

You are lucky to have them!! Oh, I smell some good coffee brewing!! LOL!!!

[happynow]

Oh, yes! I love coffee!!! Can't wait until morning to try it out!!

Yes, I've very lucky to have my parents. My dad was 81 yesterday I just pray for their continued good health. They have had their ups & downs but for the most part they have been pretty healthy.