It's strange to ride the various waves of this process...this morning I was feeling so fine and strong and empowered...and then a glimpse of her as her...and I'm missing her like mad...I'm going to get myself into a better mindset - since I think part of my susceptibility to emotions right now comes from lack of sleep - and touch of travel fatigue...and the withdrawal from being around my family - and their support...it had been ages since I received an actual hug from someone as I cried...I hug my kids...but I won't have them go through the toughest stuff I experience inside my heart.
My son told me today that it bothered him to learn that my W had threatened to call the police (which he overheard when I was at my father's house). He said it made him angry with my W that she could even threaten to say something like that - and so I tried to explain to him that sometimes, when we're really frightened of something as children, we forget who or what it was that frightened us, even if we remember the fear - and sometimes that fear comes back...and that's what she was feeling - a very real fear - and part of her knows it isn't me...but that part of her just doesn't speak very loudly for her right now. He seemed to understand what I was trying to say - and that relaxed me some.
I will feel different tomorrow - and then different again the day after that...and tomorrow I will also make sure these boys join me in going out of the house...and getting more fresh air...and more time among other human beings.
Hopefully I'll also get a chance to sleep some tonight...
