Hope you're having a wonderful Christmas although I guess you're probably driving now!!! 800 miles!!! Sounds exhausting! But worth it to see the family of course. Have a great holiday!!! Karen
Hey Mister!! Its soooo weird you just posted to me because I was thinking about you tonight, wondering if you were back in town, and how your trip was! Tell all.
And a serious happy 2009 is in store for us, it just has to be. I spent 2008 getting to know some wonderful people on this board, you being one of them!
That is funny, Lwb! I got in with the boys about 8:30 this evening after pushing on through 13 hours on the road. I decided to take a peek in on all my good friends here to wish them a great new year, and then was going to come back to bump my own thread with the latest. And then here you are already. I thank you dearly.
We had a very good time all-in-all with the family. I got to see my mom and visit with my two brothers and their families. We celebrated my oldest's 8th birthday (time to update my sig) and we had a blast together. I won't say there weren't some tension concerning some of the typical family dynamics, but all was good nonetheless.
The big problem is with my (for now) in-laws. My W's sister (SIL) and her family live about 40 miles away from my mom in the same metropolitan area (if one can truly call any city in Mississippi "metropolitan", that is). So I made ever offer to try to get the extended family there to get some time with my two S's. My mother extended a very warm invitation to all of them to come share in S8's birthday, but in the end only SIL showed up.
I understand that this was a work week for most so I offered another opportunity to either have them come visit, we meet somewhere else, or I drive down. At S8's birthday party, I had cleared this with my SIL and she seemed more than receptive.
Finally, I drove down so that my niece (age 16) could visit with my S's who she (supposedly) loves so much and so that we could also visit with W's father who lives in a trailer now on the same property. We drove 42+ miles down poor country roads just to get there in plenty of time before my niece would be leaving for her work. All day and during the trip down I tried calling to see if she or anyone else was there or not, but got no answer. I began to wonder if they had recently changed their phone number and I had just not been informed.
But when I got there no one was home, my S's cousin had already left (this was more than two hours before she was to have left for work.) But we went next door to visit with my S's grandpa as we had planned. He was truly glad to see that we showed up, and I have since come to realize that he really did not think I was going to make the trip all that way. So he seemed fairly surprised and pleased to see we did. We stayed for about forty to fifty minutes, not too long as their grandfather is not in the best of health, physically speaking, and gets winded easily.
The niece never showed and we assumed she had just decided to leave early before heading into work.
On the drive back I stewed over the fact that the cousins and SIL's husband (my brother-in-law by marriage, for now), who I thought got along quite well with all of us including me personally, could not be bothered to see S8 or S4 if I were along. I especially felt hurt that my niece might be blowing us off, the very person I helped babysit and care for when she was but a baby. I felt like I was now persona non grata to them.
Now I realize I am likely projecting my own disappointment and hurt onto this situation. After all, I don't know they did not want to see us or me. But I can't help but feel that this is how my ex-father-in-law and (especially) my ex-step-father-in-law (W's stepfather) must have felt when W's mother (my MIL, the WWOT*) dumped them to move on to someone else. I recall how hurt my brother-in-law (BIL) was hurt when MIL's second husband (SFIL1) was jettisoned after some 20 years being in their lives. BIL and SFIL1 got along very well together and had a good friendship, but SFIL1 was verboten after the divorce. In fact, so many of us were shocked and saddened at how quickly SFIL1 was alienated. Even W was disappointed that it was done so readily.
With that precedence, however, I feel that my niece and nephews and my BIL have all concluded that I am yesterday's news, deadman walking. This wasn't quite the case the last time I talked with them but seems to have germinated about the time of W's trip to visit them in October. I can't be faulted for suspecting that someone -- either W or MIL (or both) put the word out to them.
I will also never forget the parting handshake from BIL when I saw him last eighteen months ago, just weeks after the bomb -- he seemed to be choked up and fighting back distraught, as if this was to be the last time he ever saw me and he was remembering the pain from past "sunderings" in this warped family. And given what has happened upon this latest trip, I guess my impressions were right.
Part of me is very angry right now. I know that if this is indeed the case, that W and/or MIL have laid down the "law" with the family, then they have gone too far.
(I also take from this that the niece-to-niece grapevine has been severed. Which is not surprising since there has been no news from that quarter in a very long time now, not that I've pried.)
What kills me the most is hearing what my S8 had to say. I offered to take both he and his brother to their cousin's place of work just to see if she had a moment to say "Hi" before we traveled all the way back home the next day. S8 said no. I had to ask him three times to make sure I understood him, because I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Each time he said "No" and then finally said to me, (and I paraphrase) "if we drove all this way down here and she didn't bother to stick around to see us, then she won't want us to bother her at work either."
The way he said that I could tell he was hurt and a bit disappointed, but also a bit angry.
I hate, hate, hate how this is hurting my kids... I am so hurt by how this might affect my two little ones that I catch myself swearing to never bother with these weak-willed in-laws ever again.
But then I remember that that is not what my Lord would have me do. I know this cannot be easy for them either, and I know the fault does not lie with them, not entirely. I must continue to try to keep that bridge open to them, even if they continue to knock it down or allow W to burn it down every time.
Sorry for the long post. But that's what I'm known for.
I've had the same experiences too. My MIL came in town a week or 2 ago, came to the church when I joined, and then snuck out and ran off before I could say hi to her and wish her well. Didn't congratulate D9 on her singing in the kid's choir that day. I feel like they are losing out more than I am really.
Another thing that bugs me is that they act like I'm a thief. When MIL sent a Christmas check to the kids last year right after the bomb, and it never showed up she asked H if I had taken it. Luckily his brother's check didn't arrive either, so they realized it wasn't me. Plus it was never cashed. Even H told his mom there would be no way I would ever do that and he knows me that well at least. She actually is an alcoholic so my thought is she prob. never mailed them to us or my BIL. Then my FIL sent us a Christmas card this year but sent the kids' Christmas check to H. The ironic part about that is H never lets the kids have all the money for them. Last year I don't think he even gave them half of it because of the expense of OW or saving to move out or whatever. I would never take a penny of my kids' money but that's just me apparently. Ok, this is fun griping, huh? I just resolve to never be like this. I'm still trying to be friendly with the in-laws that are, and the ones that aren't I'm kind of being distant, but polite to them kind of reflecting back what I'm getting back from them, but I'm always polite of course. They are the ones losing out on our wonderful kids really.... Karen
Glad you had a great time with your sons. Your family sounds wonderful, and I wish you lived closer to them.
About the 'other' side of the family, I think you are partly projecting your hurt/anger onto them. But I also think they could have done more to see your sons while you were so close. I don't think its as much of 'writing you off' as it is putting blood first and feeling uncomfortable around you. They aren't quite sure what to do, I am positive about that. They are in new roles, just like you, learning to live with this.
I am sorry you wasted all that time, but you did do the right thing by making the effort. I wouldn't even bring any of it up to W, I would just say (if asked), "We tried but everyone was busy, but Grandpa enjoyed our visit" or something like that.
it's the loss NC, big points your way, if s8 realized what happen with your niece he must register somewhere that their dad tried his best to keep the connections with her family members alive. You took the higher road and that's what makes you the person you are.
Happy New Year NC!!!1
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Yes, I realize that when push-comes-to-shove, the in-laws will stick with W. While I have seen and observed some families that hold truth, integrity and personal responsibility above blood ties, those values are extremely rare in an age where anything goes. Today most families would side with a relative, even were they as bad as Al Capone or Grigori Rasputin, And especially given the jaundiced eye people tend to have regarding D today, who could blame them for accepting the WAS blood-relative over the trangressed?
Prodigals are a rarity today simply because there is no offense that is even recognized by either party, the lost one and their kin, let alone one needing forgiving. Why not act like a uncivilized, licentious boor? Your family doesn't care either way, right?
So, I can't blame my SIL's family -- and since the precedent has been a long time ago with MIL's multiple M's and D's, I shouldn't be too surprised either. Still I can't say that I am not disappointed... for my sake and for my S's sake.
I just wanted to mention that I got back from the Vet's office a few minutes ago. Our Scottish Terrier, Duncan, is 11 years old now, going on 12. His birthday is in April but I am now sure he won't make it.
He's been staying with W ever since I moved out of our marital home 18 months ago, and I have missed him quite a lot, especially when my two boys aren't there. But I knew Duncan would be better off with W and my sons in the house he's know for most of his life, rather than in some small apartment where he couldn't run outside any time he wanted. That was until W moved out this past September, ... and apparently this has taken it's toll on his health very rapidly. He's got Lymphoma, pretty bad.
I had my sons with me while I tried to discuss this with the vet, but we came to a point where I need to talk to him out of earshot from two small children.
I met W to transfer the boys and their stuff with her right after the appointment. She, being a RN, was familiar with the options I relayed to her, none of which were very promising. We will both be speaking to the vet on Monday to discuss the options further.
I saw Duncan's littermate this past week -- a female belonging to my younger brother. She was in beautiful shape for her age, a stark contrast to her poor brother. Duncan's such a sweet little guy -- I do not want him to suffer anything like the pain his father went through.
I got through the holiday funk fairly well, in pretty good spirits even, given the usual depressive nature this time brings to those of shattered relations. But now I can foresee that my earlier impression that I am going to be fine without the AD's is really coming under it's greatest test. I think my original depression first took real root upon the death of my last pet, Angus, Duncan's father, nearly nine years ago. It looks like we're seeing Dunk's final days now, and I don't know how this is going to affect me, especially now that I have two little ones who have come to love this family member too.
If you're feeling down for more than a week or 2, I think you def. should see a doctor. I've been taking ADs for a year now, and plan to at least while I'm going through all the D and job-hunting stress I am now. Now I still have down days sometimes as you know!, but usually the next day even I'm fine, and I didn't have that last year at all, it was just constant down days.
I 100% understand how you feel. We had 2 Westies the first half of our marriage and they were about 12 (she had epilepsy) and 14 when they went to heaven. It wouldn't be heaven without Westies I'm convinced. And Scotties too of course. I still pray for them every night. They were the sweetest, most amazing dogs. I didn't have a dog for several years, felt like it would be cheating on them or something, but then adopted a big old BlackLab/schnauzer/chow mutt from the shelter. They are def. members of the family. Karen
