When do the tears go away ?

[still hopeful]

Back again. Loooong part 2. Grab a drink. Sit back relax. I fancy myself quite a writer. You poor soul. Your stuck with me.

My W left me and our family PERIOD.
She has not looked back for a second and is moving forward at the speed of light. She prides herself with her ability to make a decision, stick with it and never look back. It's both a great thing and a very sad thing. Her parents have rewarded her her whole life when she gets into trouble by bailing her out financially.

Yes, this is true. But leaving rarely ever comes out of no where. Signs are usually there, even if we didn't want to see them. Stop assuming about your wife. You cannot read her mind. Watch. See what happens. Listen. Take in information. Make up your own mind based on rational, objective fact.

My W still is blaming me 100% for the whole thing.

My XW did, basically, the same thing. Recently, she has begun changing her tune, but I an untrusting of changes in her because 'changes' have come before that were temporary and based on other circumstances in her life. I do believe this will change for you, as well.

My W did not even send my a happy new years text.

So what.... I know it hurts but, so what...? Stop expecting what YOU want her to do and understand that SHE is living her life, with HER hurts and HER disappointments, FOR HER.

Yes, I know that is the point of all of the DB stuff.
BUT at what point do we all just say.....”we deserve to be with someone that truly loves us”. If our spouses truly loved us would they not make the effort to REALLY try to understand why they were unhappy before they left, therefore showing how much they value the marriage and the family.

Should/would/could and their horrible best buddy if need to be banished from your marriage/relationship thoughts. Live in the world of what IS. Focus on the possibilities and what may still be for you and yours. Your S2BXW is piecing her life back together as well as she is able. Please take the family from whence she cam into consideration when deciphering her chosen path/plan of action.

My therapist basically said the main ingredient to marriage is commitment. Commitment to working through everything because your marriage is the most important thing in your life.

I agree, but a close 2nd and 3rd are communication and honesty. In fact, I think all 3 are essential.

I am not pointing the finger at my W and saying it's all her fault but I just can't believe....

It seems you are, and YES, you can believe. Breathe and talke a deep honest look at you and your sitch.

It's fantastic that you went to the Rejoice Ministries website. I know that your are not a religious man, but I know that you sense that 'something' is missing from your life, and I am not talking about your wife. God made all of us in His image and that is why we have a conscience and a deep longing to find meaning in our own existence. THAT longing is a seed planted in your being when your existence was first thought of by Him. Pursue your curiosity locally. Fellowship is key to finding your truth. Fellowship will keep you accountable. Fellowship will keep you on the right path. Fellowship will surround you with like-minded people who have your best interests and God's will in mind for you and yours. But, do this locally, NOT just through a website, please.

Our WAWs did not have that commitment at all.....they walked. Sure we were to blame but what about their role?

Yes, we were, for OUR part. Yes, they did, as much as they knew how to show it. Remember, we learn our values from our families of origin. As my past marriage counselor once described troubles in relationship, she said that (in this example, love) sometimes we want $20 of love from someone and that person only EVER has $5 of love (by our definition) but they are giving ALL of their $5 (love) to us willingly. Sadly, since we sometimes don't communicate even the simplest (to us) ideas to others in understandable (to them) ways, we are like to ships passing in the night, never meeting; never meeting each others needs. This is where Chapman's- Five Languages of Love helps.

Your in-laws are not 'rewarding' your S2BXW for anything. They are just taking care of theirs, which looks different to you obviously, but it's not about you. They have money and apparently they show it by giving money and buying things.

I jst can't imagine the girl I married has no interest to even talk to me about our M given the great children we have.

Step out of yourself. Yes, you can. She's hurting, confused, angry and scared. Your children were not the problem, nor can they be the answer. You're looking in the wrong place, at the wrong people. Look at YOU. Make YOU attractive to her again. You once were. Be that again. You probably weren't following a game plan to get her to fall for you. It's learnable. Learn how! Truly start with a BEGINNER'S MIND. Your ego is NOT your friend. Not here. Usually not ever.

I think we kid ourselves with all this DB stuff. Yes, we do it for ourselves but the fact is this….our WAW will come back to us if they feel like it PERIOD. The truth is they usually don’t. I think if you really look at these posts that the majority of success is men coming back to their marriages. I don’t see hardly any women coming back.

Come to grips with the fact that YOU are angry at your wife. You are scared. You are embarrassed about YOUR mistakes. You hate that you didn't know what you didn't know.

By saying, "all this DB stuff," your are minimizing yourself, your wants/need, your own goals/hopes/dreams, and all of our goals/hopes/dreams. Don't do that. Not to yourself. Not to us who believe. Minimizing others is emotional violence.

I understand that your belief is that the majority of the stories is about the man coming back to the woman. Please consider that women are far more communicative and for more social than we men are. You are setting yourself apart as a man in two ways: (1) you are 'talking' to others about your pain, and (2)you are seeking help. Good for you. Don't backslide here. Most men wouldn't come here, let alone post. Too 'scary' to post about a man's fears, weakness, and hurts. Much easier to b*tch to buddies about the failures of their spouse and to seek answers and solutions. Don't delude yourself into falling back into the pack of DO NOTHING men. Be a leader and lead your family back to reconciliation and unity. In case you haven't noticed, YOU are the only leader in your family that anyone, even you, can see. Man up, my friend. Being the leader is often lonely. But being the leader is the answer here.

My parents called yesterday and said they would like to see my W and I get back together. This is an absolute 180 for them. It was nice to hear that but it made it worse for me.

'Buy' two mental file cabinets and LOTS of folders for your brain. Label one of the file cabinets GOOD EXPERIENCES w/ or about WIFE and the other NOT-SO-GOOD EXPERIENCES w/ or about WIFE. The folders are each only big enough for the actual experiences; no embellishments, no reading into anything. Objective facts only. GOOD EXPERIENCES is where you file the experience with your parents. PERIOD! File it. It's a nice memory. Stop muddying it.

I know in my heart that my W will never come back.

NO, YOU DON'T KNOW! You believe this negative thought because it loops over and over in your mind. Change that loop to a positive, affirming one. Cultivate your BEGINNER'S MIND.

I guess by staying on this board I keep up some kind of hope. But does hope stop us from accepting the reality …… that’s called denial.

Start KNOWING. Stop guessing. Being here will help you to keep hope alive. And no, hope does not keep us from accepting reality...you KNOW you are going to be divorced. Not accepting that would be denial. Right now your are working at reconciliation of a failed relationship and your are DBing alone. But DBing alone is one more than would be DBing if YOU decided to give up.

Some quotes for you: Never, never, never give in. -Winston Churchill; "Change your mind, your *ss will follow." -Platoon

I am with you, Brother. Be with me. Be with us. All of us welcome the energy that comes from the hope and PMA of others whose stories are similar.

Your friend,

Tom