I'm not holding up well at all. Today was horrible. After going on an overnight roadtrip and having a very nice New Year's Eve, and then waking up to hear my W say she didn't see a future for us I just sort of lost it. I was very distant for most of the day, but by mid-day I couldn't take it anymore, so after talking/arguing I told her that I needed to sell the house and that she needed to file. She said that I'm not threatening her with that because that's what she wants. I just can't go on like this. It is very difficult to look at her as just a friend when I want so much more. I think it is better for me if we have minimal contact from now on, but then I'm left wondering how we will ever have a chance at a future relationship w/out any contact. I can't help but feel like I blew an opportunity to show her a different me. She's now more determined than ever to move back out of the house because she said I proved after only 1 day that this was a bad idea. But she was talking about that before I "proved" anything, so I just wonder if this is just more fog. I don't know. I may never know. I keep screwing up by letting her see me cry and know exactly how I feel. I just can't seem to hold it in. I feel like a royal a**! I'm just as confused as ever, but I don't know why because I keep hearing the same thing from her, that she does not want to repair things with me. The part that confuses me is when she says that she doesn't know what God holds for us in the future. I don't know why that confuses me, but it does. Also all the other little carrots she dangles in front of me. Like yesterday she was talking about us getting a home equity loan to replace all of our windows. Even tonight she told me she doesn't talk to the OM very often, even though I know for a fact they spoke just yesterday. I didn't say anything about this, though, because I don't want to let her know what I know anymore. I guess I'm still caught in her web...
