Standing on the Edge

[MsMelancoly]

Hey native, Hope you had a nice holiday. All in all, it sounds like you did.

Well, if you stand your ground & her mood changes, then maybe you found something that might work. For the moment. Remember, the keep doing what works, you can always stop if it starts to backfire - right??

None of us are mind readers & well sometimes we forget that.

I think it's good you are standing your ground. In my short M, my H always said whatever I wanted. That gave me too much control. Olbilvously, whatever I wanted was not the case - otherwise I would not be here LOL

[native]

Post deleted by native

[native]

I think it's good you are standing your ground. In my short M, my H always said whatever I wanted. That gave me too much control.

Its so weird. I tried to make her happy, I did backflips to give her what she wanted, then she accused ME of being controlling because I wanted to know when she was going to come back from shopping late in the evening.

I just thought it would be common courtesy to let me know when to expect her back, so that if she did not come back at that time, I would know to be concerned.

Apparantly that was controlling.

'I gave her everything she ever wanted...wasn't what she wanted'

Bono

[MsMelancoly]

"she accused ME of being controlling because I wanted to know when she was going to come back from shopping late in the evening.

I just thought it would be common courtesy to let me know when to expect her back, so that if she did not come back at that time, I would know to be concerned."

My H called me too controlling too. When did she say this? When things were good or bad?? If it was when times were bad, then it's over-reacting & just throwing as much sh*t at you as possible. I guess, when things start to go bad, the rules change (ie. not asking when you are going to be home). When things are good - no problem & no offense taken - right???

So what's your W's LL?

[MsMelancoly]

Hey native, I didn't mean to sound crass in my last post.

Doing a bit more thinking ..... does the WAW, change the rules (when things start to go bad) without telling us, or maybe best put, we, the LBS, don't notice the rules changing??

There are different rules for different stages. Rules for when you are acquaintances, friend rules, dating BF/GF rules & then M rules. My current rules, boundaries or (as in Pirates of the Carribean) guidelines - are more in the vein of acquaintance/friend.

In my own M, I was too controlling with some things. I do admit that. and I realize that my control was directly realted to fear. Yet other times - not. When my H had band practice, I was not controlling. Although, when things started to go downhill, I asked for more time (for him to cut his Sunday 11am-6pm practice down a bit) - so we could spend more together. He did not & I could not compete w/the ego boost he was getting. Guess, I didn't realize that I had to compete either.

[native]

MSM,

I did not think your post as crass or anything other than insightful.

The accusation of me controlling her came when she was already distancing herself from me, though before the bomb.

In retrospect, she knew more than she was telling, or knew more than she knew she knew... if you want it in a more convoluted fashion.

'If it was when times were bad, then it's over-reacting & just throwing as much sh*t at you as possible. I guess, when things start to go bad, the rules change (ie. not asking when you are going to be home). When things are good - no problem & no offense taken - right???'

This makes as much sense, more even, than any other interpretation of the accusations of control.

Again, very insightful and I think its spot on.

[MsMelancoly]

Hey native, Hapy New Year!!

"As I ponder the WAS's issues I wonder if she is capable of a functional relationship. I wonder if I can forgive...."

My journey with forgivness, began after I read the detaching poem & detached from my H. And really thought about how he & his upbringing played a role in how he deals w/problems.

"In fact, I know I won't be at peace unless she knows exactly how much damage she has done, so I have begun confronting."

Good - bad - I don't know. Probably good as long as it's not in an angry way. One of my goals, was to try in little ways to make my H deal with things .... to try & pull him towards this road I'm on.

"Yes, I apologise, when appropriate, I validate as much as possible, but I also am no longer tiptoeing around the obvious....... SHE has some real issues and SHE needs to face them. Otherwise, I am not going to go back to the R as it was, because when only one person is trying it is not much of an R. (of course, I was not DBing before the bomb....who knows, perhaps things would be different now if I had started the changes before)."

Totally agree about your R statement. And it's good that you are standing up for yourself.

"Of course, she claims she was trying too, but if that is true, it was and is kinda obscured to me...."

Could be true ... since we all try what is familiar to us. If we, LBS think that we cannot find the answers to solve M problems, I think that goes double for WAS. They are totally at a loss of what to needs to be solved & how to do it.

[native]

Happy New Year to you too Msm! I feel good about it in spite of the economy and my seperation. Stayed in last night and watched 300, though I had an invite to go to a bar downtown with some divorced and single friends. Loved the movie, but should have gone out anyway. Its hard feeling like going out in the middle of the week though, and I worked today.......

"Of course, she claims she was trying too, but if that is true, it was and is kinda obscured to me...."

Could be true ... since we all try what is familiar to us. If we, LBS think that we cannot find the answers to solve M problems, I think that goes double for WAS. They are totally at a loss of what to needs to be solved & how to do it.

Thanks again for a much needed perspective. I have thought this myself at times, but hearing it from someone else helps solidify the thought. Thanks for getting my head right.

[MsMelancoly]

Just like when my H dropped the bomb & left. I'm guessing that was his way of "working" on our problems. But it was not my way. (And to make things worse I did the begging, pleading ....out of my mind crazy stuff ...).

In M I supposed we (LBS & WAW) start with our rose colored glasses on .... then the fog rolls in both sides may leave hints of problems & hints that they are trying to solve them or hints asking for our help in solving them. By the time all is realized our rose colored glasses are all fogged up (for both LBS & WAW). How to come out of that fog ....

Good to hear you had a nice New Years Eve. It would be hard to go out & then have to go to work. I stayed in & watched a movie as well. I had a nice evening too, quiet with no regrets.

[MsMelancoly]

So, what's been going on in your world???

I missed you post on my thread. Some food for thought, you have given me .... to post later.