Making my own good karma!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you so much for your post, WIT! Your insight on what I am feeling is spot on! And your thoughts on our H's reasoning for being so "supportive" is right too, I think (although I have been trying to get away from psychoanalyzing my H all the time.)

My H, he says, is not dating now and does not plan to be any time soon. He doing the I just want to be alone and think of nobody but myself dance. I did tell him yesterday that I hoped in the not to distant future (maybe a couple months down the road) we could get back into C together, not regarding the M, but about our kids. It breaks my heart that both our kids don't want to be around him, and while he says that's their choice and he doesn't care anymore, I believe that underneath he cares very much. I know that he is very hard on himself although he seems so arogant and selfish on the surface. And my kids do love their Dad and are hurting even though they both say they don't give a darn anymore! So, I just think that these are issues that haven't been addressed properly in C yet, and they should be if possible. Anyway, I planted the seed of the idea in H's brain, and his reply was that he would think about it, but that he didn't see any reason why not. So, I'm hoping he maintains that willingness while in IC over the next month or so.

But, I am really trying to drop the rope and moving on day by day, and chasing my own happiness and trusting that the fates will lead me to where I need to be. It sure is scary though.

J says that I do talk too much about H and let him occupy my thoughts way too much still, and he's right. Obviously I have absolutely NO concept of date etiquette!! I've been with H since I was 17 for pete's sake! I the door between my brain and my mouth has always stood open. Poor J, it really must have been terribly annoying to him. I'm really embarassed to think about it. But he was very nice and shared a lot of his history too. His is just much more interesting and varied than mine! He really is a nice guy and I think we could be good friends at least. I mean how many men are out there that know the first names of the coffee vendors they frequent, and the fact that the building security guard is in a rock band (and J has actually gone to listen to them), and that says when his mother dies the world will stop spinning (yet he's not a mommas boy), and that actually likes ballroom dancing and old romantic movies!!!???

BUT, I do not want a "rebound" relationship, and I know I still have LOT of self growth to do before I can really be in a healthy relationship, so I am going to go very slow, and take each day at a time. And do my darndest to make 2009 the best that I can make it!

[[[[[[[[[[WIT]]]]]]]]]]