I'm facing some of the same issues re dating as well. And I've told my h and got pretty much the same response as you. I think his response was partly about caring for me and wanting me to be happy, but also relief for himself. Less guilt, less discomfort for the freedom that he is taking for himself. In another small way he probably would like me to put that part of my life "on ice" until he has truly and completely decided that his ow is "the one". Dating can be about dropping the rope entirely and completely. And it doesn't have to bar a recon. On the other hand, we may just meet someone who we realize is more suited to the relationship we want and need at this stage of our lives than our h's. Perhaps it won't have the shine of young love, but a soft patina that will reflect true friendship, deep commitment and compassion for each other as separate individuals, not projections of ourselves. Good luck.
Thank you so much for your post, WIT! Your insight on what I am feeling is spot on! And your thoughts on our H's reasoning for being so "supportive" is right too, I think (although I have been trying to get away from psychoanalyzing my H all the time.)
My H, he says, is not dating now and does not plan to be any time soon. He doing the I just want to be alone and think of nobody but myself dance. I did tell him yesterday that I hoped in the not to distant future (maybe a couple months down the road) we could get back into C together, not regarding the M, but about our kids. It breaks my heart that both our kids don't want to be around him, and while he says that's their choice and he doesn't care anymore, I believe that underneath he cares very much. I know that he is very hard on himself although he seems so arogant and selfish on the surface. And my kids do love their Dad and are hurting even though they both say they don't give a darn anymore! So, I just think that these are issues that haven't been addressed properly in C yet, and they should be if possible. Anyway, I planted the seed of the idea in H's brain, and his reply was that he would think about it, but that he didn't see any reason why not. So, I'm hoping he maintains that willingness while in IC over the next month or so.
But, I am really trying to drop the rope and moving on day by day, and chasing my own happiness and trusting that the fates will lead me to where I need to be. It sure is scary though.
J says that I do talk too much about H and let him occupy my thoughts way too much still, and he's right. Obviously I have absolutely NO concept of date etiquette!! I've been with H since I was 17 for pete's sake! I the door between my brain and my mouth has always stood open. Poor J, it really must have been terribly annoying to him. I'm really embarassed to think about it. But he was very nice and shared a lot of his history too. His is just much more interesting and varied than mine! He really is a nice guy and I think we could be good friends at least. I mean how many men are out there that know the first names of the coffee vendors they frequent, and the fact that the building security guard is in a rock band (and J has actually gone to listen to them), and that says when his mother dies the world will stop spinning (yet he's not a mommas boy), and that actually likes ballroom dancing and old romantic movies!!!???
BUT, I do not want a "rebound" relationship, and I know I still have LOT of self growth to do before I can really be in a healthy relationship, so I am going to go very slow, and take each day at a time. And do my darndest to make 2009 the best that I can make it!
[[[[[[[[[[WIT]]]]]]]]]]
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
Hey SC, J sounds lovely. Do take it all very slowly, but dont shut the door on anyone. You never know what the future will bring and one could never have too many friends - male and female.
Interesting that J noted how much you dwell on h. Something for you to think about, I guess. I have been with h 30 years, since I was 19 so I know how hard it is not to think about them.
You are doing great. This is all hard stuff, really hard. Keep moving forward. Let's let this be the year the LBS's shine.
Thank you, BM, for you kind words. J is a real unique person, but he is still very hurt (and a little bitter) about his recent break-up from a 5 year relationship. I went on coffee break with him today and told him a little about DB'ing, and told him about how bitterness only hurts him. I do think I've may have found a real friend anyway.
On the H front, I have not called him at all, but he has called me several times keeping me apprised on what he's been doing with the finances. Most of it stuff I have no need or desire to know, but I think it's funny that he calls when he used to get mad at me for calling him for "no good reason". We are getting along very well. Like friends. Really!
I am really trying to keep NO EXPECTATIONS, but it's hard. I thought about telling him that J is just a friend and that I am still standing for our M and will wait for him until he figures himself out. But I know that would just put pressure on him and he would withdraw into his shell again. And it's probably not a bad thing if he "wonders" about J.
I asked H how his IC went on Wednesday (I know, I shouldn't have asked that!!), but H didn't seem to mind and said it went well, and C is really concerned about S17, so they talked about him (C is really concerned about H's influence and his relationship with S17, so that is C's way of talking to H in a "non-threatening" way I think). H said they also talked about him and "figuring out his new identity". I replied that "Yep, it's an interesting journey isn't it". H said that "Some of it's hard, but not much.". Not sure what to think about that. Yep, analyzing again......
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
You asked me on my thread if I ever dated during the crisis, I did not. I didn't because I thought it wasn't a good idea if I was standing for my M. But that is just me and each sitch is different.
It doesn't hurt to put little "thoughts" into H's head either. I even bought myself some flowers one time and my h asked where I got them from and I didn't answer. Also, once I stopped the calling and questioning of my h is when he started calling for "no reason." He was getting worried that I might have left him behind.
My H seems happy as a clam for me to see other people. I don't know if this is because it "lets him off the hook" or if he just knows me well enough to figure he has nothing really to worry about......probably both. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing. It's good that he realizes that I am a woman of character, but then I don't exactly like being taken for granted and thought of as "a sure thing" either!
(((((hugs)))))
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
My h used to push for me to find someone else too. It took away some of the guilt he was feeling for what he was doing. I know now that he is glad I didn't!
OMG!! I am 44 years old and I actually got "hit on" for the very first time in my life! This is a guy that I have seen on my bus many times, but never really talked to. He sat next to me and started teasing me because I was yawning, and then he started flirting and I was just tossin' in back to him....you know, no big deal. But then he gets out a piece of paper and writes on it and hands it to me and it has his name and phone number on it!
And then he kept it up the whole way to the park and ride lot! I was blushing like mad, and had no idea how to handle this! Some of it was a little over the top and made me a little uncomfortable, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings, because I don't think he meant anything by it. As I said, I've seen him lots of times and he's always chatty with other people on the bus. He has some pretty bad facial scarring on one side of his face, and he said in part of the conversation that he lived alone, so I'm sure he must be lonely.
I finally just told him that he had made my day and had done wonders for my ego, but I was going home to my kid. And he said "at least I made you smile". But, as we got off the bus, he called out to me "Call me if you change your mind!"
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
