When do the tears go away ?

[still hopeful]

Brother whitney,

THAT was not a rant, but you are on your way. But let me encourage you to rant HERE, and not to your S2BXW and/or anyone who is in contact with her. My mistake is that I have ranted to people whom I thought I could trust, only to find out two things were terribly wrong with my assumption of trust: (1) 'good' friends often think they know what is best to tell XW that you said and when to tell it, often getting all of it wrong, and (2), the fact that I mentioned XW's name, regardless of what was said, was relayed to her and SHE filled heard what she wanted to hear and filled in all of the blanks to fuel her anger for me and justify her actions to herself. So...be careful.

What I found was that XW had quickly gone about 'claiming' our friends as HER friends, giving them the ultimatum that they were either HER friends or my friends, but she would not have them in her life if she was not the chosen friend. One very good thing that came out of that is that I found out who my really true, good friends are...ALL single men, with no wife or GF to further manipulate the decision.

As manipulative as my XW was, I was more saddened by how weak-minded and weak-willed many of our supposed friends are, than I was by her manipulation, which was rooted in her hurts and fears. But, from my sadness came clarity. Clarity on who IS a friend and who is NOT. Clarity about the fact that trust is not to be given lightly and when one's trust is betrayed, that betrayal is disappointing, enlightening, and hurtful. That fact helped me further put my betrayal of my XW's trust into proper perspective; to better walk a proverbial miles in her shoes... somewhat. Anyway, I digress...as I often do. Back to your situation.

Some of the realizations I have come to over my 3 years, as a left behind spouse, is that I cannot focus on what I think i deserve if I really expect to take a critical, honest look at (1) who I was and what I've done and (2) who I intend to make myself into and what is the best, most direct, and most instructive path of getting from where I am currently to who I intend to make myself into. This is all a choice, and further need in another area of your life to start with a BEGINNER'S MIND. Neither you nor I know everything about much, and tossing aside our egos and finding experts in our subject of intrerst and delving into new material/thoughts and critically thinking about this new paradigm and how it fits (or doesn't) into our lives and goals is step 1.

What happened yesterday, and how you were in the past, is irrelevant (unless, of course, we are talking about your goodness). The past is the past. It can neither be relived nor undone. Learn from it. As the saying goes, unless we learn from our history, we are doomed to repeat it. That is not good for the 'stuff' that we do not wish to have repeated. This also goes along with not continuing down cheeseless tunnels and/or continuing our own insanity by repeatedly doing the same things over and over and expecting a different. If we want change, change starts with us. Change and happiness is an inside job.

Find a way to replenish your spirit. Being drained only leads us to do desperate (and in my case, sometimes stupid) things. Being fed up is only one step closer to surrender. YOU control your attitude. I will tell you, that in my case, my faith is what has kept my head above water and kept me in the game of saving my M. I respect that you are not religious at all. I am. Again, this is another aspect of your life to look at with a BEGINNER'S MIND. Perhaps you are still closing yourself off to possibilities that are in your best interest because of what you already KNOW. A possibiltiy...?

I don't know maybe I should not be on here reading what I should and should not do???? I wanted to send her a text at midnight saying happy new years.

Banish those thoughts. In Christianity, fellowhip is key to giving one strength in his mission, to add more determination to his resolve, to give accountability when needed, to deepen one's faith. You don't control her. You don't live inside her head. You don't feel what she feels. You are stuck in making assumptions and assumptions are almost always negative and counter-productive. I have felt much of your are feeling, as I am two years deeper into my situation than you are into yours. Focus on you and what you add to others and to the world without adding your expectations to what you get back for what you have done. Having expectations has always led me to feelings of disappointment and despair; feelings of entitlement and deserving. One action that has helped me to feel grounded and in control of my emotions is to reach out to others, XW included (but less so to her), by calling them to just say, "Hi, I thought of you and it made me smile." If I have to leave a message, I just tell them that and add that they just wanted them to know that thoughts of them added to my day and I just wanted them to know that, and no need to call back. (Of course, I would severly limit using this on S2BXW)

I have been working 1000% on doing what I can to improve for myself and my family.

Great. What if what's needed is for you to be working on improving you one thousand and ONE percent!? Google 212 degrees and watch the 'movie' about the difference that only one degree makes between 211 and 212 degrees, then re-think your efforts. Henry Ford said that people too often quit without knowing how close they are to achieving their goal(s). Don't be that guy. If a running back breaks off a long run from his own end one-inch line with time running out and his team behind by less than a touch down and he is hit and pulled on and nearly dragged down from behind at the opposing team's goal line...does he stop? NO. Even if he can't see the goal because of the defenders' efforts, he KNOWS his efforts are worthy; he KNOWS only he can reach the goal; he KNOWS quitting is not an option; he KNOWS surrender is losing.

I am not done responding to your most recent post. I have a pressing commitment that I need to attend to. Quote from Platoon: "Change your mind, you *ss will follow." Change your mind. It's a choice. You control your mind and your thoughts. You control you.

BTW, Happy New Year, Brother.

Tom

p.s. I will finish this post to you later today.