Happy New Year. My son and I flew back last night, and now I'm in a quiet home again (at least until my S11 wakes up and my W bring by my baby boy!).
I sometimes forget that what I'm nursing is also a broken heart - and I just wish sometimes that there were a way to turn it off - to stop loving someone so much that just doesn't seem to care anymore...so letting go helps a lot - though, my goodness, the memories that flooded me while I was home with my family just tore into me...I think it was just the reminder of how my family used to see us as such an ideal couple...everyone...from my brother and my sister to my father...and now we're just this terrible mess - and the confused looks on my family's faces just seemed to reflect my own confusion again and again.
No...I can't leave this board...this community...my friends here...I don't know what I would have done without this site and the lessons I've learned from so many people here - and that rare chance to meet someone like you - who knows so well, so painfully well, what it''s like to go through this.
I've been reading a lot more about MLC lately - and have been surprised to see how much of it relates to my W. I don't know why I hadn't thought to look through the MLC threads before - but I find her there again and again - and when I look at the process, my heart just sinks...I don't know if I have that kind of strength in me...sometimes I just feel so exhausted by it all...and also just so very alone.
I know that I have the ability to lift myself up and live for my boys...I just sometimes feel so very, very tired - and the pain envelops me - this morning I feel kind of that way - just sad, just wishing that my W would come by this morning and want to stay for breakfast with me and the boys...but there's nothing in her to indicate any interest in us at all...and so I just have to put those kinds of useless thoughts out of my head and get on with my day.
The new year starts today...normally that means nothing to me...today I will make it mean something, as I have got to keep moving forward and getting stronger and healthier.
...hm...she's always there to remind me that it's best to move on...I just got off the phone with her as I was typing - and her coldness and distance just knocked me back into my own reality...without her...since she's not even remotely the person she used to be for us - so distant and cold. At least I get to see my baby boy soon.
