I heard the gang was back together and just had to see for myself!!! (wave, wave, wave!!!)
WOW! BaseballMyFanny, Lissie, Vali, Brue, AH, Chappy and others!!!!!!! I have often wondered how you have all been this year - always hoping that your lives were nothing short of fantastic.
Thanks, BmfA - this is a wonderful thread....getting us all back together for an update and message of hope and bright paths ahead - very timely for the new year.
First, a very happy new year to all here, veterans and new! I hope that the new year brings you joy, peace, breakthroughs, faith, good bonds with family and friends, and the chance to be the very best you can be.
It's been a LONG time since I posted, and this site was once a saving grace for me during some really dark times. As everyone has said, the friends I have made here quickly became, and will forever remain, the dearest in my life.
Taking a trip down memory lane is quite the chance to see how life has turned. The dear bonds I formed were from sharing intense, painful emotions. Now, these are the same friends that I share thoughts of growth, healing and joy - those I call when I am excited about something, on a new trip, or just want to laugh. We still share painful moments, but they are mostly what our lives are made of now - the goodness of life.
Like Ms. Fanny said - sharing this is not bragging. It's not to 'recruit' folks into the 'get divorced and live a fantastic life' club. It's not a cry of masked insecurity of sour grapes or needing to feel a success. Just sharing the road - and the very basic facts of life. It goes on. With or without you. It can be good, very good. You can be happy, in many ways. Doors you never imagined will open, and you have the choice to walk through them. You can see endless blessings and be thankful for fate and life. Of course, these things apply whether your marriage is saved or not.
The fact is - my marriage failed. I am happy now, but, it's not without a lot of hard work to overcome the very real aspects of pain, hurt, self-esteem, shame (still working on that one). It's not what I planned or wanted, but it can be what I make it.
Where am I now? I have moved back to my home state. That was the best thing I ever did. But, I am glad I stayed to get some closure and answers. I have formed a wonderfully close bond with my family and opened up old friendships. I feel a deep sense of calm, peace, security, and happiness I have not felt in a long time. I gained weight, I sleep great, my health and emotional well being are so well. My job is nice and has allowed me wonderful travel and financial security in what is now a nightmare of economic times. But, I'm looking for new work. It's been so thrilling applying for jobs, and seeing all the possibilities laid out there, that I would have NEVER imagined if I were still married.
Where is my xh? Is he happy? Is he married? What happened to the OWs? Did he regret? Did he feel sorry? I don't know. At all. The short story - Since I now know he is bipolar and will not face it, it's clear for me to see how good my life is now. He did not want help. He was a terror to me and to many others. There is simply nothing I can do about that except take responsibility for my own life. I cannot help him, nor can I be the wall he beats himself on. Sure, I have nice memories of our past, when he was healthier. They have faded, though, quite naturally, into the mosaic of reality that was our relationship....the good and the bad. I try hard each day to bury any of the anger and pain and accept that he is sick, literally. Forgiveness, like my dear Ms. Fanny once taught me, has been giving it to God. I am content with that.
So, what's the point of reading this (if you made it this far at all?)....hmmm. Maybe, I can share a few things I learned along the way, and especially after. Even though my situation crazily outgrew the MLC forum, I hope this still helps.
* Get a set of Kidney Friends - people you would give your kidney to, if asked, and know they would give you theirs. Make sure it's a set of friends (in life or from the DB) who will love you when you cry, AND scream at you to snap out of when you need!! People who will tell you the truth and keep your self-esteem up.
* Get closer to God. Your spirituality, many times, will be the thread that holds you above bottom. Embrace it.
* Hold your family dear. You will soon learn that blood is thicker (when it comes to your spouses family) - and while you are hurt by that, take the time to turn around and see the same lesson standing by you in your own family, who love you more fiercely than you know.
* Put the mask on yourself before you help others. Remember the safety speech on airplanes? It's the same in life. Take care of your own emotional, spiritual and physical well being in this, keep it safe, keep it strong. Without that, you cannot help your family or your spouse.
* Draw boundaries and stand up for yourself. Whether you are standing or ending your marriage - boundaries keep you (and your family) safe and sane. The chances of pushing the spouse away are slim (as you can see around here when folks do draw lines). The chances of you losing your sanity, your self-esteem, and many other things are much greater. Don't do it to get a response from your spouse.
* Get out of the drama. Stop playing the push and pull of action and reaction with your spouse and just live for you and your family. Easier said than done. Keep interactions and actions to just what is essential and don't get baited into the Springer-ness. If you constantly are, look deeper to why you find yourself there.
* Get a life for YOU. Not to get a response, not to get your marriage back. For you, for your sanity and for your growth.
* Accept that you move emotionally at your own pace. It will come when it is right. BUT, put in the work. Know what your lessons are, what hard times are teaching you.
* Take this time to learn about you, the good and the bad. Grow and change the things you want to be better. Be the best you can be.
* Always believe in your Fabulosity. What IS Fabulosity? You are a catch. You are amazing. You are better than sliced bread. You are incredible, and YOU DEFINE YOU. No one gets to do that. Never stop being proud of yourself, surround yourself with people who give you positive vibes about you, always count your accomplishments. Look first within yourself for validation. worthy,
* Always share a laugh, joke or smile each day, about something totally different than your spouse of the madness.
* Take care of your health. This is important. Eat well - even if it means small changes. Take a walk, workout, whatever. Take your vitamins.
* Take the time to dress up, look and feel great. Feel great about the way you look and make those changes you have wanted for YOU. Get that nice outfit, wear the jewelry and makeup when you want, do your hair different, whatever little things - and tell yourself each day that you are fabulous!
* Push the stop button when you start comparing with the OP. Easier said than done. We all get stuck in the spiral. This is when you call aforementioned Kidney Friends to tell you what a skank OP is, what a loser (most likely the truth), and how wonderful you are (ALWAYS the truth!! ha ha), and who will yell at you to snap out of it.
* Expand your horizons. Make new friends. Do fun new things with your family (even fun daytrips). Do something different and new. Read, learn, get engaged in something that is larger than you, the drama, etc.
* COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS. Count, each day, over and over, the things in life that are GOOD, RIGHT, LOVING, GRACIOUS, WONDERFUL. Let the warm feeling of those things embrace you.
* life is short. Live it. Send a note to a friend, go back to school, get that job, get a new look, get a hobby, rearrange your house, take that trip, set new goals. Whatever you wanted to do - try to do as you can.
Well, that's all I think anyone wants to read.....
