Hey NW: I don't know if you'll get this before the party - but I just wanted to say hi and wish you the best. You're attitude is just so strong - and I think you've managed to detach in a way that very few people ever achieve - and that should make for a very healthy you - and a very healthy role model for your son.
I've been getting some of those feelings of resentment/anger too - but I just don't listen to them for very long - as I think they come from desires and expectations - rather than a real commitment to myself and my kids...still, I understand the feelings completely.
Just today, as I landed in Cleveland, I could not help but think of what past Christmases were like - I recalled being here three years ago - just after my H's affair - and how terrible it felt to get off the plane and then get to my mother's house - only to watch my W run up the stairs to call her "friend." And then I thought of last year, being here with our baby - how much fun we had - how much we played - and I thought of how I had done something I had never thought myself capable of doing in forgiving her her affair...and yet she now has the gall to tell me that I'm incapable of loving someone...
And then the resentment fades as I remember that so much of what she says and does has to do with her - not me - and taking it personally is just my ignorance allowing me to play into her idea of how things should be between us and for me.
I'm glad the anger goes away as quickly as it comes up for you - that's probably how it should be - just let the through rise, acknowledge it, and let it go...very Zen.
Carlos and Veronica Thanks for the kind words.. Trust me, I am nowhere near an inspiration.
Journal... I had a great time with my S past several days. I took him out shopping for some toys. I love that boy. I really miss the daily activity with him. This is something I need to fight for. The party was good. I had a good time but it was awkward. My W was there but she is just physically there. We were friendly to each other at the party, nothing more. I spent the Christmas day at my W's place. My S opened all the presents and he was so excited. Seeing his smiles just means the world to me. I am not sure this is normal. The more time I spend with my W, the more distance that I feel. I guess her behaviors just make my detachment easier. Of course, the OM is still in her life because she was texting on and off outside. Honestly, I really don't see the same woman that I married to anymore. She was my W, but no now. By the time I was ready to leave, I felt some of the sadness and anger are coming back. It was probably whole day with her and S just little too much to bare at this point. I guess it is the playing family part... She did ask me to stay overnight but I declined because I wasn't sure I can hold back any longer. I have to remove myself to prevent any serious 'Talk'. I say goodbye to my S and of course he didn't want me to leave. I was pretty upset. When my W wished me Merry Christmas and thanks, I could not even say anything. I just nod my head and say goodbye. After this, I really think the big D will come. If it does, I will be fine. I will be OK. I will still live the best of my life. As far as the R with my W, I'll take all memories, laughter, tears and make them all my souvenirs. That's something that no one can ever take away from me.
Got to stay busy....
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
Hi NW: Sounds like you made the most of a very difficult situation - and that you still came out of it with the right point of view. I'm so glad that you got to spend time with your son - and that you're going to fight for him.
Your W seems to be in a perpetual state of confusion now - and I'm not surprised that you are just removing yourself from her drama...as I think she is probably seeing a lot of the changes in you and would really like for you to play the role you used to play - I'm so happy for you that you do not comply.
Despite what you think, NW, you really do inspire a lot of us here - sometimes I just have to read your post to remember the value of staying positive - and of taking care of oneself.
Keep busy - and keep doing what's made you stronger.
I will second what Carlos has said, you do inspire people. Over and over you maintain such a positive outlook. You pick yourself up and move forward in very trying circumstances.
I think you handled the Christmas visit with honor and dignity. You showed love and compassion and understanding. All great lessons for you son and none very easy to accomplish, I am sure.
I am so glad you got to have a good visit with your boy.
Hey NW, finally getting a chance to get up to speed on your sitch.
You are doing an impeccable job. I can see your mental disipline.
Drop the rope, but don't lose hope. I know that's kind of an oxymoron. I guess it would make more sense as 'detach but don't give up hope' or even better: 'detach but don't rule out the possibility of something good happening'. But none of those are as catchy as 'drop the rope, but don't lose hope'!
She is clearly living a fantasy right now. That sucks for you, but the silver lining is that it isn't sustainable. Sooner or later, she will exit the fog. At that point you need to be ready with all your personal improvements. Until then, you wait (like the rest of us).
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
Sit and wait..... In the meanwhile, I will keep working on my personal goals and improving myself. Hopefully one day, W will wake up from her fog and decide to work on our R/M. If the D does happen, I will be just fine. No regrets.....
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
If there is anyone about whom I believe the statement "I will be just fine," it is most definitely you.
You are handling all of this with such aplomb. Always finding a way to see the positive, always finding a way to improve your own circumstances and life.
I never find myself giving you any advice because you never seem to need any. You always have a handle on things. Keep u the great work.
