When do the tears go away ?

[still hopeful]

Yes, whitney, our histories are similar, so take what you can from listening to mine and borrow for your sitch what fits.

To bring you a bit more up to speed on my XW and her family, they are an affluent bunch which was achieved at the expense of a functional family life. XW is currently at odds with her mother (the manipulative matriarch) and sister, and the two of them are pulling hard to get XW's brother away from XW and over to them. This is all deeply rooted in their hurts, mistakes, habits, hang-ups, and addictions. I do know this. I don't live inside any of their heads, but I do know that they are all hurting, assumptive, and pig-headed.

XW and I move closer together whenever she is between DH's and/or at odds with her mother/family. The fact that this is that landscape on which XW moves closer to me is NOT a stable foundation upon which to build my reconciliation efforts. It's actually only a mirage; a recipe for disaster.

So today, I find myself wanting to come to her rescue because I love her and holding myself back because she is hovering above quicksand and my rushing to her now will only lead to my and our demise.

My XW has looked like a rock at times. But, I urge you to look beyond the obvious. Look at what she does, NOT what she says. If she says little, it is YOUR job to make sure you listen to EVERYTHING she says. It is YOUR job to look at EVERYTHING she does. This is detective work without a deferred payment plan.

Based on your description of your XW's family, they are seriously dysfunctional and their 'support' is based on their convoluted premise of 'blood is thicker than water.' Trust me, I heard that statement more than I care to remember as their familial backstabbing got more and more vicious and their support became less and less available and more and more conditional.

Be her rock. She is probably a very strong woman who CAN and WILL move on without you. But only YOU know if YOU are the best choice for her for a life's partner. If you believe your are, put forth your best Omega Male self and be there for her. Be strong (which you are, so I don't say Alpha Male self), be emotionally available for her and your family, be assertive (not NEEDY), learn to BE HERE NOW whenever you are together. SHOW her you are different, don't TELL her how you've changed. She notices everything. She is watching. The proof is in the pudding. (<--I know, stupid saying, but I like it.)

If your goal is to reconcile with your wife and to DO things differently going forward, fantastic! I applaud you and your efforts. Look at your situation with a BEGINNER'S MIND, as discussed in DR. When I force myself to discard much of what I think I KNOW, and force myself to start from square one, I am able to view a challenge from a different perspective and come at it from a different angle, often arriving at a better game plan/solution. I am not as smart as I'd like to believe myself to be and I only make matters worse when I assume that I have ALL of the answers already, particularly in relation to my messed up marital situation. Heck, if I did, I'd be much further along in DBing my M.

My brother, YOU control your attitude. If your attitude is not where it needs to be to reconcile your marriage, change it. THAT is within your control with your concerted. You don't control her, you control YOU. Stay solution-oriented. Everything you say and do is either productive or counter-productive. Choose wisely. Fight for what you want. Never give in.

Your wife is like my XW in that she is a strong woman, and if necessary, she will make her life on her own. But that is not what either of them want. My wife simply wants me to be the man, the dominant one, in the relationship. By this, I do not mean that she wants me to dominate her, be a jerk to her.... She wants me to be emotionally stronger, be her rock, lead her to where I want our family to go. She wants me to care enough about to give her options in decision making and care enough to show her that I agree with her choice of the option that I have given her. Lead her and she will follow. Climb into the driver's seat and take command of yourself and your sitch. She may bail anyway, but doing things the way I have done them so far has only slowly choked more life out of the still real possibility of reconciliation.

Authors to consider reading, in addition to MW-D: Dr. Paul Dobransky (doctorpaul.net), Rick Warren, Norman Vincent Peale, David Snarch, David Deida, David Eldredge, Dale Carnegie, Shad Helmstetter, Napoleon Hill, John C. Maxwell, Gary Chapman, Maxwell Maltz, and Claude Bristol. I would start with Dr. Paul's information and then check out the other authors for offerings that interest you most and best suit you and your sitch.

I wish you the best, brother. Gird your spirit. Protect your attitude. Focus on solutions, NOT problems. Winning in your wish to reconcile your M is the goal. Never lose sight of that. Never, never, never give in. Hope is your friend. Surrender is your enemy. Surround yourself with people who support you in achieving your goal.

Do what you can. Don't do what you can't. Know the difference. The focus is YOU. Give her the opportunity to see and know that you ARE different. Not everything works according to OUR time plan.

Tom