Praying For Us Every Day!

[still hopeful]

sunshine,

I can tell that you are a wonderful from the way that you post your messages about your situation. What I cannot stress enough is to reiterate what my friend, frank_D, posted to me quite a while back about my own situation, which was that I know my XW and my situation better than anyone on the DB boards ever could because posting here and/or relating my (sometimes faulty) memory of my experiences to others is a poor substitute to others actually experiencing what I have experienced, and even THAT would lead to different perspectives/opinions of the exact same happening.

Whew, now that was a long way of saying, READ, study, talk to others, pray, follow your hear and gut instincts but, most of all, mull over all information that comes to you and then YOU make YOUR decision because YOUR decisions to act or NOT act, to say or NOT say really affect only YOU and not other well meaning people in your life!

Again, I am almost three YEARS (ugh!) into my separation/divorce from my beloved XW. I do know that my biggest problem that I created for myself in life, and yes, in my M, is that I was playing a role of what I THOUGHT others expected of me, rather than simply being myself and THAT ROLE prevented me from being 100% truthful, open, honest and transparent in EVERY aspect of my life because I feared what those 'others' might think of who I REALLY am. I have always been my own worst critic and harshest judge, and I have ZERO tolerance for my own mistakes and messes. Forgiveness of myself has been impossible for me, which I feel has prevented others from forgiving me for being human. My own reluctance to be 100% gut-level honest with my XW is what has prevented me from connecting with my XW in a real way that could make a REAL positive difference.

Back in the beginning of my separation, I became VERY motivated to achieve a reconciliation in my M and to make my nuclear family whole again. I read, reflected and introspected tons. Rationally, I know that my affair is not THE reason for my D. Rationally, I know that I am not 100% responsible for the demise of my M over time. But rationality has not overridden my overwhelming sense of guilt, which Satan's tool to control me and instill doubts in me about my faith in Jesus' grace and mercy for me. Blaming my XW for her part has not exonerated me from my part, even though I know that my Savior has forgiven me. Blaming my XW is fruitless and completely counter-productive to what I truly want and what I believe God's will is.

To make a long story less long (too late?), I have learned so much about communication, honesty, commitment, betrayal, integrity, trust, forgiveness, separation, divorce, hope and faith. In the past, I knew them simply as words; definitions. In looking inward, I have come to terms that what I thought I had a handle on, I did not. Not really.

Casting Crowns' song, Stained-Glass Masquerade, rings true for me. I look at others and see only their shiny, seemingly perfect veneer. But that veneer is only for public display; for appearances. What I often fail to recognize and acknowledge is that, like me, people are THREE dimensional and their problems, like mine, are most often NOT voluntarily shown and are neither seen nor known by others. It has been my misguided wish to keep up my masquerade, especially in the face of my mistakes, that has led me to work overtime to keep up appearances even though most people around me already knew my truth that I would not admit to others.

What I am trying to say is that some people are eerily like me in their desire to keep up appearances, to maintain what they believe others expect of them. To my own detriment because I refused to acknowledge that FACT that I am not perfect; refused to acknowledge the FACT that my control is illusive, at best, and destructive in my trying to attain it. Perhaps your husband is fixed, like I have been, in believing that he is 'not good enough' for the good in his life and his subconscious is working overtime to make those feelings a reality through his actions and attitude.

The only real advice I can offer with any confidence is to focus on you and do EVERYTHING within your ability to remove your focus from him. You will push him further away by chasing him; by being do ever-available. Give him the gift of missing you. YOU are a cherished commodity. Start valuing yourself and treating yourself as such. Stop cheapening your time, your energy and your love. Be strong. Be interesting. Be lovable. Be sexy. Be desirable. Be mysterious (in an out of sight, NOT devious way). Limit your communication as much as you are able. Be the one who ends calls or visits because you have a pressing commitment or appointment. Be busy. Value you and increase the chances of him valuing you.

I know I have a tendency to ramble on. I will start off making one point and somehow end up on another. After my initial thread as hopeful_husband I have stopped editing and perfecting as I rambled on in my posts for grammar and sense, but I do hope that what I am conveying to you is that YOU control your attitude. YOU control your hope. YOU control your faith.

I have tons of people in my life who are well-meaning who steer me in the direction of giving up on reconciling my M. I know that a good deal of their reasons for wanting to protect me is in response to my experiences with XW as I have perceived, understood and conveyed them to others. I am certain that my perception was colored by my hurt, disappointment, pride and embarrassment; sadly, not good for anyone involved. Regardless, I keep remembering frank_D's directive to me to remember that I know my XW and my sitch better than anyone else and that decisions I need to make are MY decisions to make and no one else's.

In case your are wondering, my own sitch continues to swirl, but at least it is not continuing down the drain. 'Things' are in a lull for now, and I keep on keepin' on. I love my children. I love my wife from a safe distance. I prop her up more than I should, but I gotta be true to me. I keep reminding myself that, ultimately, if I don't take care of me right now, no one else will. I am not perfect. I have made mistakes. But darn it, I am worthy of my XW's love and I will keep striving to reconcile my M until God makes it clear to me that I am trying to bend His will to mine and not vice-versa.

I am with you, sunshine, as are others who have not yet chimed in. Vow to do what you KNOW is the right thing to do. WHEN you make a mistake, KNOW that God is never surprised when you fail; He expects it. You're human. YOU, on the other hand, are surprised when you fail and you beat yourself up, as I have. Instead, forgive yourself for your mistake, vow again to do better next time and congratulate yourself for even the smallest of successes in following your plan. For repeated failures, perhaps tweaking your plan is in order, but that is only changing the game plan, NOT changing your GOAL!

Be your own biggest cheerleader. Be your own biggest forgiver. Be your own biggest encourager. Find support in others; lots of others. The larger the circle of supporters, the less likely you are to OVER-burden them with your challenges and the MORE likely they will be ready, willing and able to listen and support you in time of need.

Much love to you and yours,
Tom