BM, you say such nice things about me, even when what I write is confusing!


And, yes, you are quite right BM, I did say "why not just stay together?"

But somehow I had forgotten or missed that he was actively carrying on an affair. I was aware there was another person in the picture, and her famiy lives 2 hours away, and he was considering moving in with her. I guess I draw the line on "active affair." I don't know what "active" means to you. Maybe it is one of those "I know it when I see it" things. To me, an active affair means ongoing intimate contact, physical or otherwise. It's not just sex that qualifies as intimate - regular phone calls, emails, dinner dates, trips together, massages - all that counts as intimacy.

If it is an active, current affair, then FOR ME I wouldn't put up with it. (you are you, not me) If it is "he is thinking about moving in with her" then ... well I was in this situation, and I put up with it for a long time. She was unsure, she was thinking about her next move. I asked her repeatedly to stop seeing the man. I told her I wanted her, but I needed her assurance that she would leave him behind. I finally put a stop to it after she repeatedly agreed to stop seeing the man, but secretly continued. This was not respectful to me.

(getting back to the "Two parents who live together peacefully and respectfully...")

I don't think anything good comes from staying in the marital house while the spouse conducts an active affair. For me it was engendering bad feelings and was likely to cause arguments and strife. Not a stable arrangement.

Like you - I am maybe not completely sure. The decision to split is fraught with heavy implications. But for me I wouldn't put up with an active affair.

I am not advising you to file for dissolution. I know that is a big decision. I did not file, though some people advise that I should have. It would have been a stronger statement, I will tell you that. It would have been viewed more favorably by the court.

Filing for dissolution is not in itself a statement that "I don't want you." It is more like "I don't want you this way."

When I left the house I told her, "This is not a good marriage for me, any longer."

(ps: I do not recommend that you leave the residence.)