Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[NikB]

(((Trixi)))

I have SO much to say but also a party to get ready for and have somewhere from 40-75 people coming over (just love people who won't RSVP and an H who won't confirm!). Anyway.... I will post very very briefly on the things that jumped out at me the most. Sound like a plan?

He bought RockBand 2 as a Christmas present for the house, and told me that I get to be the drummer (or guitar player) and can come play whenever I want. That I am "part of the band".

Oh good lord... what are you both, 12???

He apologized and agreed that he has been being a jerk and hasn't been showing me that I am important.

Well... at least you're in agreement.

Good thing (for him) you're still willing to let him call all the shots, and constantly reminding him that you're there waiting and wishing and hoping. I base that on this:

Saturday night I asked H point blank if I should just give up and he said he didn't want me to.

I think it's pretty sad, needy, and clingy that you asked this... not to mention, giving him all the power again. "should I give up on getting scraps of attention from a man who clearly is barely interested in having me in his life?" yuck.

I am hoping that your response was better.

He has had me help him move his son into a different room, drive him and SS around all over the place, asked me to help him get things organized and cleaned up (which I did) and he can't even manage to include ME in his online life???!!! And he put he was SINGLE when there are much better options like the truth:"married". Or even "In a relationship" or "It's complicated". But single?!?

Can I rephrase this just a little bit?

"I have chosen to bust my a$$ moving son into different room, driving him and SS all over the place even though he is barely including me in his life at all. I even helped him get organized and clean things up when he asked, while STILL treating me like I'm totally unimportant to him."

I kinda agree with your friend that the "status" isn't that big of a deal since it DOES default to Single - but after you told him you were upset about it and he didn't change it? THAT is a big deal.

I explained that maybe I was misunderstanding, but since I am looking for "clues" to see what his state of mind is, the 'clues' didn't look good.

I don't even know what else to "say."

The other night (before I asked if I should give up) he was talking about how important it was that we separate so that he could try out this music thing; he had *thought* that success at work was important, but turns out it wasn't and he wished he would have been more involved with the kids; that family is good for some people and fulfills them, but not for him--it's just been a disappointment for him.

Well.. there you have it. Remember awhile back when you posted your thoughts and SS's about family being most important? I told you I felt that it might be to you and to him but it was up to H to decide his own priorities (sad as they might be). It seemed obvious at the time it was NOT in fact family. Now, he has confirmed it for you.

Do you want to be married to a man who doesn't find family fulfilling and does not want it to be his top (or even a high) priority in his life?

Anyway- I dunno. I just know that I feel like I have spent the past year getting nowhere.

I totally agree.. especially in your R/M, but I feel like you're still missing a huge chunk of your personal growth and movement forward, too. If you were focusing on yourself and making your future wonderful no matter what - I think you'd feel that you've gotten a lot farther. This is something *I* need to get refocused on, too. I feel like the first 6 months of this year I did a LOT of that, the past 6 months or so - not so much. Like a stall, or something.

(((Trixi)))

(a hug to go with all those icky 2x4s!).

I hope that you have a wonderful New Year's Eve and day! I am in a way sad you are spending it with your H. I think it would have been an awesome 180 to get all decked out and go to a party or something. Maybe even drop by for a "pre-party cocktail" with H (looking and feeling fabulous of course!!!), then leaving for your party. Probably too late but... give it some thought? If you know of anything you could go do?

Most importantly of all I wish you a very Happy New Year! I hope that 2009 is the year that you choose to love YOURSELF more than your H. And I wish us both the motivation we need to make those strides in personal growth, too. Sound good??

Happy New Year!!