We had a great visit with Grandma and Grandpa yesterday. He is very old (about to turn 90), and broke his hip not long ago. He is hard of hearing and has macular degeneration, which makes it very hard to see. He can be cranky and rude at unpredictable times.
But not yesterday. He actually asked at one point - Are you getting ready to go? (I braced to be asked to leave). I said In a bit... He answered: Well, I don't want you to go! I am so glad you, you are here.
Wow. He had to say it another two times before the evening was over. And that he really liked having me there. I will have to visit more often.
Grandma and I got to catch up a bit, too. No talk of the sitch, just "a nice visit" like she wanted. And I was good with that, too.
My BIL and nephew came over; I had brought dinner with us, so we had 7 people around the table to eat. Grandma said it was nice to have company. She feels stuck being a full-time caregiver, but also won't let others help too much.
BIL pulled me to the side at one point, and just said he and his W (X's sis) were "on my side." That X is and always had been an asss. I can see his point, in retrospect; it was just that he was never an asss with me, until now.

So, I had a lot of thinking time while driving both ways. I've been rolling around the idea of grace.
It all comes back around to the DB principles, the Serenity prayer, all of it.
Accept the things I cannot change, change what I can, wisdom to know the difference.
Time is leading me through healing, and toward grace. I want that grace, so I can accept X where he is, where we are, and just do the job of co-parenting.
I wish I had had it earlier. That I had been more grown-up and mature; it might have saved my marriage. But that's not where I could have been.
I was that 16 year-old again, thrown out into the world to finish the job of growing up, and in a damn hurry. Maybe that is why I never felt my age (I'm 38?!)
My mother had been concerned when X and I were so close at so young an age, that I hadn't experienced real dating, etc. But then she decided that it would be ok, because of who he was.
And it was ok, for a very long time.
But now I see the worth in it. Those missing life experiences made this break-up so much more devastating than it should have been. I nearly died; it is a miracle and my two kids that see me here today.
Missing those life experiences also probably played into how he reacted to his experiences and choices. We both acted out of immaturity.

"All the world's indeed a stage and we are merely players, actors and portrayers..."

I'm sure that if someone had seen it all unfolding from the outside, they could even script it all out.

I still don't know what the final act will be. But I know that my goal is grace. Live and let live.
I don't want to be bitter or hold hatred all of my life...