Your post really jumped out at me because of how closely it described where I'm at. I could have written this almost word for word.
((((In my case, while we'd had a tumultous relationship these past few years due to outiside circumstances that neither of us could control, overall my husband and I had one of the best relationships I have ever known. We complemented eachother pretty darn good. Got along well, didn't argue much, for the most part were happy together, etc. But we did drift apart and did not keep the flame alive. I know we have to start doing things as husband/wife together again, but so much time has passed and it feels so awkward now for both of us. We have slept in the same bed a few times now, and it is stiff/awkward. He does not really want to cuddle (something we always did before). To me, while we are "working on things," every day that goes by drives us a little farther apart.
And while having a child together is a very strong reason to reconcile, neither of us will allow that to be the only reason. I would rather be divorced than be together simply for my son's sake. I am getting close to being at the point where I would rather be divorced than married to a guy who wants me but wants to be single too. I've found that being with him is emotionally draining because there is almost no husband/wife contact interaction and it hurts me so much. Sure, we're great friends, but we always were. We did become emotionally distant due to the problems at hand, but for the most part, we always got along. So there's really no need to spend time together to become friends again in my opinion. We're already there.))))
I've reached the point where I'm not really sure I want to stay married to her anymore. I know my wife is still in contact with the OM, and I ask myself every day, why do I put up w/ this crap and how many more times can I listen to her say she needs to feel passionately in love every minute of every day and that we just don't click like that? How much longer can I be the only one trying to make our marriage better and happier? How do I rekindle the flame? The million dollar question indeed!
Like you said, I feel like we drift apart a bit more each day, and if in the last nine months she hasn't figured out what she want's, she obviously doesn't want me. Each of us needs to make our own decisions, but for me it's time to move forward one way or the other. I still love my wife, but the only thing left for me to do is to let her go. I hope (I think!) that after she leaves, she'll realize that the grass isn't greener, that single life w/ two young children is no picnic, and that feelings of passionate love every moment just isn't realistic.
That being said, I view it as moving forward, not moving on. I'm starting to plan my life on my own for the new year, but not closing the door on her. I really don't know how to begin to rekindle the flame, but I've realized I can't do it alone and I can't do it w/ the OM in the picture. So for now, all I can do is wait and see what she chooses.
Sorry you're in this crummy situation and that I couldn't answer the million dollar question! I'm way too new around here to have that kind of knowledge. I just have the feeling that all of our marriages and families are not disposable and that they are worth fighting for.
