I made it home ok. The snow started later than they had forcast, and didn't even start til we had gone to bed.
It wasn't a very pleasant evening. I think this year 2008 is going to be a struggle until the end. H was upset because of the suicide of our friend, and I was seeing painful memories around every corner.
I did something yesterday that may or may not turn out to be a good thing. It was not a snap action (or reaction), it was something that I have been thinking of for a couple of weeks. I wrote and mailed a letter to the OW.
As this year began to draw to a close, I realized that I needed to bring closure to her. I knew that I probably would not be able to bring myself to confront her face to face, and I knew that waiting for fate to cross our paths would take too long. If she had been only a stranger that my H had happened to have an A with, I could have let it go. But this woman was my friend, and had been in my life for all of my M to H, and for several years prior. Once upon a time she had provided child care for my boys when they were young.
Anyway, I had been writing this letter to her in my head for several weeks now, ever since Thanksgiving morning when H confessed to me that their A had been a PA and not just an EA. I thought over and over about what I would like to say to her, and I finally wrote it all down on paper. I thought maybe that would get it all out of my system. But it didn't. I refined my letter, rewriting it several times. I took out all of the childish vulgarities, and editied out all of the swear words. I removed any 3rd party comments, and kept in unemotional facts. About the worst that I got was telling her that as a nurse she was a dangerous piece of work and that having unprotected sex with my husband when my immune system was compromised from cancer treatment disgusted me. She should have known better, even if he did not.
I read, reworked and thought about the letter for another 3 days. Then yesterday, on my way home from work, I mailed it to her. I felt instantly relieved.
In my closing lines to her I said: "This is my closure with you for this whole horrible mess. OW, if I could make you do only one thing, it would be to think less about your needs and wants, and more about your family. Real love only comes from giving, not taking. The road that you are on now... you are destroying everything that you touch."
I imagine that she will get the letter today, and I hope that she will read it today, the last day of this most horrible year. I had to say my piece to her, needed to let her know that I now know the truth, and I wanted to have it done now and over. I was also afraid that if I had to do it in person I would "b!tch slap" her, lol.
The hardest part with this though, is that I told my H that I had sent her a letter. I didn't want any secrets with him, and in case he were to find out about it, I did not want him to be unprepared. I did not let him read it, nor did I tell him much about it. Only that it was closure for me, and that I did not call her any names.
He wasn't very happy about it, so it probably wasn't good DB. But I truly don't care. This was about me, for me, and if my M ends because of it, so be it. I had to clear my heart, with my X-friend, about how I felt with what she had done.
With this I can now face the new year. I said all that I have to say to her, the poision is released from my spirit, and I can embrace forgiveness. I have to attend the funeral for our friend this afternoon. H may still be plowing snow, so it's possible that I will have to go alone. It's quite possible that she and her H will be there, and I am now in a place that I can move past her and be thankful for my life and all the good things in it.
I am thinking of all of you today, sending New Year wishes and prayers for all of us.
Cheers to a Happy and Healthy 2009!
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
