Slept OK, last night, not great but better. Images were a lot less in my head. Obviously thinking of New Years w/o her. But that's all part of it. My friends are glad I'm going to the party, D17 made me promise I'd go and not sit home. Started snowing already. I'm outta here at noon. stop home and take care of the animals and then on my way.
I asked last night if I'll be OK. No answer, but sleep came. I take that as a yes. I will listen now and look for His signs. Only His. I will be diligent in searching for a better paying job as of Friday night. I will dedicate an hour a night to that effort (keeps me away from the damn TV). I have set some goals for myself, I will go out and visit people one day each weekend. It'll be good, plus it'll help me concentrate on doing house projects nights during the week rather than alll weekend. A new job is key right now. I like my job, but for the work I do here, I am grossly underpaid. Need to focus on finances and really nailing things down to a routine. I have my line dancing, I need to work on selling my camper and my campsite (all that hinges on a better paying job or the lottery), kids really want to use it this year though...Real catch-22, they never wanted to go down there because of the drinking and the drama, now that those things are gone, hmmmm, imagine that...
I know I need to walk this path for a while, alone with Him, to talk and walk. Put some distance between me and this situation. I cannot have the clarity I needed being this clouded. AmyC, 25year, T'gone (my old bud) and FH my hope is back. The fury is away for now, but I don't think gone forever. I have a lot of work to do in forgiving, but that is what the walk is for. I have decided to keep one of my wedding albums out on my bookshelf. This came to me this morning so I am not going to argue it. It will be there if I need to look at it. It will be there if I don't . I cannot forget what we had, again, very strong feeling this morning, same with the ring. Not sure if He put that bug in my head, but the feeling was real strong in me this morning. why fight it. I wanna hang some pictures this week to take up the wall space, put up some shelves and finally put up the memorabilia from my Dad....
trying to keep myself from thinking too far ahead. Will layout my calendar of activities and things to be done by, but that's it. thoughts of her still in my head, but thats part of it and cannot be helped. they are much less and less threatening to me.
I'd like to knwo what milestone I just passed. I hope I don't have another one of those....Thank you all for your support through that very rough patch. I need this distraction tonight, more than I know. I need the hugs and kisses, the dancing the laughter, and I will have a couple of beers. I will be coherent, no slipping. i will visit with my older D I think the next day, take the long way home and go to her house and say hello. Then it will be home...Everyone have a Happy New Year, I'm not looking forward to my life being like this to start the New one, but the goal will be to not have it end the way it begins....
