Stage 5, Acceptance

[25yearsmlc]

FIB,

As a doctor's wife, and the mother of that doctor's children, your post and its' timing hit me weirdly hard. We've touched on some of these issues before. Forgive me for reacting this way if it seems off the mark. Maybe a tiny part of what I'm feeling is what your wife subconsciously has felt, before her "wacky and inexplicable Illness" began. I don't know. Maybe it'll be useful for your own insights into how to move forward with other women, down the road, or with your children, vis a vis your work.

I saw someone else post the words about an "ungrateful wife" referring to a doctor's wife, and I have to say it made me bristle. Pushed a big button to my surprise. A lot. Why should a woman be "grateful" that her h is a doctor or had a good day at work. NO OFFENSE, but maybe the pats on the back you get at work, belong there. If your child has a toothache, your day at work isn't her concern, her toothache is. In the child's mind, daddy the doctor should be there to put the bacitracin and band aid on.

My words don't mean your wife feels them, now or ever or sub-consciously. But I bet a few do apply. But I thought I'd share some of my reaction to your words and see if anything "sticks" to you, or helps you in your up and coming new life.

The whole "Doctor" thing/lifestyle image is a two edged sword. Most people assume a high income and there are those out there who seek that in a person, and I am wary of them. There are women who fantasize about marrying a man with a title, money or rank, and little else matters to them, relatively speaking. They are to be avoided, just as I'd avoid a man who was too interested in what type of income I earn when learning of my profession.

For the record, most of our doctor friends are wonderful people with good hearts, and given what it takes to get there, no one can say someone becomes a doctor for the money, these days. Not with the long hours and years of earning peanuts and the liabilities, etc. But here's the thing.

The blurring of the line between your being the "Captain of the ship" surgeon in the OR and the guy at home... it isn't a great match sometimes.

Yesterday h had a fight with s22 and was bossing the heck out of everyone here, including me. As objectively as I can be in describing it, it felt as if he thought he was in the OR again, and in a "Code" situation and was ordering us to assist in the resuscitation of the patient. Except it was yard work he wanted help with...wth?
H was truly angry and his rage seemed to be partly incredulity on his part. "How DARE" s22 disagree with him or complain. That's a quote. H lost it. (Sigh). If he only knew how much he sounds like his military father did, when he returned from Vietnam...according to h, so I guess we all revert to negative role models if we don't have any positive ones to replace the negative ones in times of stress...(NOTE to self: get positive role models!)

D19 is going to Moscow and Europe for next semester, and leaves in a few days. We've done a lot of talking lately. Due to h's continued absences, there is an awkwardness at home at times, (other times there's laughter though). She said "Dad's like an outsider in high school who wants to be in the "in" crowd, but forgot he has to be home to be 'in' the crowd". Last night D19 told me she'd "never marry a doctor"...ouch. And we're supposed to be a SUCCESS STORY in reconciliation! wth? Doesn't feel like it right now. Backslide.

D19 has shared a lot lately about how it was to be a doctor's child. She does not like telling people he's a doctor usually, b/c they seem to assume she's spoiled and that we're rich. But when pressed, she admits she knows he does good things at work, and he helps people and it's better than saying he's digging ditches...but she also said, "Dad was always busy when I was growing up and left for my last 2 years at home, so I guess I'm not that interested in what he does at the hospital for other people since he's not that interested in me or my life..." ouch.
When he was on call, she said "I don't always want to compete with a brain tumor or a heart attack; they'll (patients) always be more important..." ouch.


D19 was a child with those feelings, but maybe your w felt some of that at some point. Does NOT justify her, but again, maybe you'll note these things in the future and what you seek out in a partner and if it's your w, look for changes in those feelings. I also remember a time when D19 was little, maybe 7 y/o, and had a bad tummy ache. She said "if we go to the hospital will daddy get to be the one to fix me and spend time with me?"
I almost cried. That happened 12 years ago. Last night she asked why she "should have to try so hard with h". I was caught off guard but said, " a lot of reasons, in addition to h being your dad. For one thing, he loves you and would kill or die for you." I want them to feel loved by him. Just wish he knew how to reach them, and me, better. The more he's away, the harder it is to reconnect with any of us, and the angrier he seems. Denies depression... I asked.

In your post you said many things I have often wondered about with the interactions at hospitals. When I was counsel at the hospital, MY interactions were of a certain unpleasant type....

Sometimes I think the kudos at work were sort of bad for our home life. Some would argue that "Work kudos belong at work", like making love belongs at home. For h, his hard work (and it IS hard work) gave a reason for assuming his "orders" should be followed at home, and that admiration was a given. In other words, his stress and long hours at work rewarded him with patient's gratitude, promotions, the respect of his colleagues and staff. At home, he's asked to take out the trash. At home, I expect an equal "vote" in decisions and yes I do sometimes question his decisions privately, which I would NOT do in an operating room or a medical issue, but WILL do in my home. I see the dichotomy, but is it unreasonable? One male author called the excessive focus on careers for men, "fast food for the starving ego" and that daily interactions at home were like small monetary deposits that would not yield immediate results,(or accolades) but compounded over time into wonderfully rewarding relationships.

I've had death penalty cases, and a case at the Supreme Court, and still cooked dinner. I've won big verdicts and still changed diapers in the middle of the night. In fact, no matter what happened at my job, I never assumed those at home should be "grateful" for me being a lawyer or their dad being a doctor. Sounds too much like gratitude for being taken in by a stranger, or some sort of hero worship expectation....hard to express. Should they be Interested? Concerned? YES! And proud if applicable. But my real job is as a mom and wife because there are other doctors and lawyers who can do what I do nearly as well, or better, but no other mom or dad of these particular children exist anywhere in the world.

Yes I know men are more defined by their work but that doesn't make your role as a father or husband less important. You admit you were once a workaholic but you changed, and I believe you. Your w's complaints about that are simply out of date so her data isn't real. For many doctors, like my h, it was as if his efforts and success at work spilled over or translated into "work" at relationships. But it's usually the opposite.
The more he gave THERE, the less we got.

He'd squeeze us in if he could, but his career, better position, better pay, more prestige, sicker patients, were CLEARLY and blatantly the priority. Notably, I bought into it too. I was proud to say what he did and felt like a part of it, in a way. As you may recall, I re-directed my own legal career to health care and it wasn't a bad move. But it was aimed not at what I loved, but at what would work best for all concerned, h, the kids--my hours were better, and my interests, in that order. This choice was not h's fault. Just a paradigm that is foreign to him. Maybe he's healthier than I am. He's taking a 2 week CME he needs and without a thought about when or where, he signed on for what he thought was best for his job. If it were me, childcare, timing, placement, etc would have come first by far. I'd pray that the legal conference would have something interesting and be happy if it did. H just books the reservations and I wouldn't even know if d19 hadn't told me.

A doc's HUSBAND once told me, "doctors are the working spoiled...they work so hard they feel entitled to whatever they want..." That doctor's marriage is over, by the way. But he had a point.

FIB, you are not like those doctors and I am so sorry for the trials and tribulations of having to tell a family news like that, or for meeting that patient at that time of her life. But it is a profound honor in a way. I never thought doing someone's will was exciting or anything. But I've done some in a hospital and that puts a whole different spin on it. Being able to help people at their saddest, scariest time, or their final days, has profundity beyond the scope of this post. Yet, it does not translate to a 7 year old, or a selfish w in her own pain.

FIB, I pray you take this post the right way. Partly it was my button getting pushed and for that part of this, I apologize for the hijack. But it's also to remind you of the fact that your job at the hospital is not truly your "life's work", is it? And second, be wary of those who are too impressed with your work. When I stuck my toe in the dating world 2 years ago when we were legally sep, I did meet a few guys who had certain expectations of me financially, that in my eyes, were out of whack. Both were men who were not "bringing much to the table" either, ironically. I met some nice men too, and when they themselves were successful, they were less concerened about my motives and I was less concerened about theirs. Make sense? I recall your w's comment about a year ago, wherein she said she couldn't "believe she had to have a job at the age of 35". I'll never forget that. What a sense of entitlement. Why? Where'd she get it? Is her family like that? Beware of the cliche'd relationships and A's between nurses and doctors (every doc's wife has that fear) but let's face it, some of the compliments you get are verbal passes. You are vulnerable.

Be careful. Hope you take this post the way it was intended.
((( j )))

PS how much longer is the situation with you and your w under the same roof, going to last?