I'm caught up after being away for Christmas and I understand your sadness as well as your confusion.
First of all, concerning your "love" for your W. I'm w/you in the same boat, my friend. I will always love my XW and a small part of me has died w/my divorce that I won't be able to revive. It is sad, but true. Will I move on? Of course, and I'll be happier and healthier too. But there will always be that sadness I'll carry around for what was lost.
Thus, it is ok for you to feel this way too. In fact, when I saw XW today, she looked great! Beautiful as ever and it made me very, very sad. My heart cracked when she had her affair, but we were working toward fixing things. However, when she started it up again and filed for divorce, my heart broke completely.
Your heart has been broken too. It will take a lot of time to mend. A lot of time.
As for wanting to cry, welcome to the club. It is a phase and you need to allow yourself to go through it. Don't hold back the pain and tears, but let them flow. It is a good thing and a part of the process. Don't be surprised if you have a great stretch interrupted by a low moment. Let it happen, but be careful not to let it go on for too long.
Feel it, let it run its course, then purge it and get back to living for you and your boys.
Finally, as for leaving, I never thought you'd be going b/c as Kalni so perfectly put it, you aren't close to being finished yet, so you need to be here for yourself as well as for others.
People are gaining as much from your posts as you are gaining from their posts to you. This place is all about healing ourselves and making ourselves better, happier, and healthier for our futures...even if they don't include the one's who have left us behind.
I'm not done w/you yet, and I still need your words as well. So, selfishly, I won't let you leave, brother. Besides, I have your personal information, so I can hunt you down there if you decide to scoot before it is time.
