Making my own good karma!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, T, for your input.

I talked about the issue of J (and other relationships in general) in IC today. My C seems to think this is a very positive thing and good for my self esteem and growth, so long as I don't dive in too far too fast. I don't think there's any chance of that. I'm too chicken!!

My H is going out trolling some bars tonight with some buddies of his. I asked if he knew where they were going so I could be sure and avoid that. He didn't know where exactly where they were going, and asked "Why, are you going out with J?". I said "Yes, probably." And he said "Well, it'll probably be crowded because of New Years, so be aware."

I don't know what to think. If H felt uncomfortable with me going, I know he wouldn't show it. He also knows me very well, and knows he has nothing at all to worry about. In the whole of our marriage, H has only showed any "proprietory" behaviour once, and that was over 20 years ago, and he was drunk at the time. He's just not a jealous guy. He also told me "You know I've gone to lunches and drinks with co-workers before, and it doesn't mean anything!" So, I don't think he even really thinks of it as meaning anything.

So, I'm going to go, and try to have a good time. Maybe I'll just have 1 drink and then go home. J mentioned a party, so I don't know if he meant that he was inviting me too, or if he was just telling me he was going to one after. I'll play that by ear.

The plain truth, though, is that I know I will never love anybody again in my whole life, the way I love my H. The events of the past year have changed me, and though I am stronger for it, I know that I will never be able to have the kind of pure unsullied trusting love that I had for the past 27 years for my H. It's true that my next relationship (whether that's with my H or someone else) will be a more mature and "healthy" kind of love. But it will never shine quite so brightly as the love I had for my H.

And that makes me very sad.