OK, so read my post above before reading this. C'mon A in Ohio, let me have it!
I was pretty angry that W had been what I felt was dishonest, and I thought she had put on crocodile tears, and I decided that I needed to stand up to her taking advantage of my time, in a kind, but firm way (Gucci: firm but flexible!). I messaged her and said, "I'm disappointed that you were so emotional about going to the zoo, and spending special time with the kids, and then you sent them with a friend, and are throwing a party with alot of people instead of it being a bonding time."
I told her basically what I said above - that I gave up special family holiday time so that SHE could have special family holiday time.
She called me! Holy cow, second time in two days, and she will never call or answer phone, and rarely will respond via text. Big thing to note before reading: she also will NEVER discuss her feelings with me - part of the reason we are where we are!
She was pretty hot under the color, and she started off "I'm sick and tired of you making out that I don't do things with the kids - I do make special times, and the KIDS picked the party time. I told them that we were going to the zoo, and THEY wanted to have the party."
I started to explain myself, and she said, "Just listen to me!"
A in Ohio will be proud. I closed my mouth.
She continued, and it was very odd because she said this, "I'm having D8, and S6, and babysitter/BFF, and BFF's friend, and little kid from down the street, and we're going to play games."
She specifically left out OM - is she just trying to spare my feelings? Just seemed odd - because she is in this self-righteous phase where she would name him on purpose because she is "doing nothing wrong."
Anyway, I just listened without making a peep. When she finished, I said, "W, you're right. I was just about to message you and tell you that I shouldn't have said anything, because it wasn't fair of me to butt in because I don't know what you and the kids talked about. I just remember taking D8/S6 to the roller skating rink for the first time, and it was awesome teaching them, and I'll never forget it, and I want you to have memories like that too."
Narrator break-in: W has it in her head that I think she's a bad mom. I have never implied this in any way, shape, or form. Maybe her guilt?
I continued: "You said that I think you're a bad mom, but I think you're a great mom - as a matter of fact, I have always said that you're the best mom I have ever seen. I know you will make special times with the kids, and I hope you guys have an absolute blast!"
W: (pause) "Well, OK."
Me: "Ok, see ya later."
I don't think I have rendered W basically speechless in many years. It is true about the best mom thing - before this, I would have put her up for mom of the year award - makes this that much harder to understand.
Bravo, Bravo!!!! Validated, STUFU and listened, told her she was right.... Very good. You should be pumped about this.
You started picking a fight but got yourself out of it. Very nice. Fights are counterproductive (among other things ).
Here are some tips that are all over this board... Commit to memory, it will make your life more enjoyable...
-WAS will be dishonest. WAS in A will lie even more. Remember Jon, this is about your W's emotions so don't get caught up in facts (truth). Don't argue facts.
-Don't take what the kids say to heart. Don't take what WAS says to heart. This will be very difficult.
-Make your decisions for your sake, not because WAS turn on the water works. Anything you "think" in terms of WAS is just guessing and it's futile. We can't be sure she was manipulating you. Maybe she is really upset about all this. Pick the best option every time. Don't be selfish.
- This is a quote from you, "I do remember that the last time I cut off contact, she not only came over and came in, she was friendly, fun, laughing. Sigh, it's like in golf: they tell you the easier you swing, the farther the ball will go. " --- Keep this up. DBer's call it going dark.
