Hi everyone, it is hard to believe I have been lurking here for over 6 months. I've read quite a few of the sitch's on here and am just totally amazed at the similarities for so many of us. Especially how close in age the majority seem to be!
By way of background, I am 38 and my husband is 40 and we have been separated since May. He moved out after we had a pretty heated argument regarding money. After the argument, it came out that he was not happy, didn't feel the same, etc. etc. For about two months, we lived as a separated couple, then after that, we started doing the odd thing here and there as a family (us and our son) such as dinner out, some day trips, etc. Come end of July, after several weeks of "hanging out" and me thinking we were on our way to piecing, I got hit with the bomb that he'd had an emotional affair. He said nothing happened physically and nothing would ever happen between them (reasons for this were vague). I had suspected nothing and it came out of left field. Besides the obvious devastation I felt, I was left feeling very confused because a few weeks earlier he had decided he wanted us to start doing things together as a family (so of course I figured that meant he wanted to work on things), yet after just a few weeks, he tells me he doesn't feel "that way" with me and tells me he had feelings for someone else, although he wouldn't tell me the timeframe of the affair.
I've tried a few db'ing principles (before I read this site, just because it seemed to make sense to me) and also made a few of the typical mistakes. All in all, considering my personality which can be pretty clingy and insecure, I think I did a pretty good job of detaching and giving him his space.
So fast forward a few months, here we are, still hanging out as a family most weekends and some weekdays also, and him still claiming he doesn't know what he wants, although he says he still loves me. Just not sure it is the right way.
This is quite a learning experience and here are a few things I think I have learned so far (no particular order):
1. If after 8 months (given others' situations, I realize 8 months is not that long, but I think it is an adequate amount of time for more relationships) he still doesn't know if he wants to be with me, then clearly he doesn't want me. At least not the way a husband is supposed to want his wife.
2. By the time a WAS actually walks away, the marriage has been dead from their point of view for a long long time, and will be very difficult to piece back together.
3. If separated for any period of time (anything over a couple months), it is very difficult to piece things back together simply because the separation itself works to distance the husband and wife even further. This is one of the areas where I've failed in the db'ing principles because several times I've told my H that I think the separation was putting even more of a wedge between us and I've asked (okay begged a little) him to come home simply so we could try to work on our problems while in a closer proximity to eachother. He's refused.
4. I've observed on here and this is definitely the case with my H and I, is that, while living as separated people, while the WAS MAY be working (very SLOWLY) towards coming home, over a period of time, the LBS, in not getting their needs met, is (very SLOWLY) detaching and drifting apart from the WAS. Certainly in my situation, my husband's rejection for sex and affection with me (seems he just wants to be friends), while maintaining friendships/relationships with other women (some secretly) is slowly but surely destroying my feelings for him. I mean seriously, how long can the LBS go on getting nothing from the WAS (except lies and deceit), and the relationship remain intact?
5. Often, the WAS has as much of a difficult time letting go of the LBS as the LBS has in letting go of the WAS and will, upon occasion, cling to the LBS or flounder in their decision. When this happens, when some crumb of affection gets tossed our way, we the LBS's will get our hopes up that the WAS is "coming round." I've gotten my hopes up sooooo many times with this, and learned, what I've had to do is to look at the whole picture and see that the odd moment of tenderness here and there is the minority, and the majority of the time, he's friendly, but cold and distant with me. You really need to look at how they behave the majority of the time.
6. Once the WAS has left the marital home, he or she pretty much feels they are free to do what they want and will justify any and all of their actions that involve members of the opposite sex. "We're separated, you can't tell me what to do, etc. etc." Very rarely does the LBS agree with this, as we are trying to save our marriage, and in fact, still feel we are in a marriage.
7. In almost all cases, when a couple splits up, there's another person involved. It is simply human nature to do this. This does not include cases of abuse, whether physical or emotional.
8. It is beyond devastating to find out that your spouse has had a relationship with another person. Ranks right up there with death.
Not sure where I had intended to go with this post. I guess I just wanted to introduce myself and chat with others going through the same thing. Would love to hear from those who are where I am at in their situations. While I want to save my marriage, I really am starting to think it is not going to happen. Hugs to you all.
