He broke up with her, now I'm terrified...

[lola485]

My original post was in newcombers..."searching for a path". I won't give history here, as I think the lenghty post I gave before may have led alot of people to pass over. I will copy and paste my last post from that thread here, as I think this may be where I may get some guidance since many of you have been where I am now.

Wow. The same night I wrote my last post I reached the breaking point. I sent H an email (he was at band practice) and told him I was letting him go. It was not an ultimatum or a threat. I simply told him I couldn't do this anymore. The conflict he had and his inability to decide if he wanted to stay in this marriage told me it was not what he wanted or needed. I couldn't bear to see the effect it was having on his health, so I was going to let him go so that he wouldn't be conflicted anymore. I told him he could stay here until he felt emotionally ready to move on and that I hoped she could give him everything he needed. Believe me when I say this....this was not a ploy and I don't recommend it as a way to force a decision. I meant what I said.

Long story short, he read the email, I went into his computer room, and he told me he wanted to try to make things work with us, that he was going to break it off with her. He said no one had ever loved him enough to let him go. We talked until 2am about everything. One of the big things, and this is something for everyone in this situation to heed....he said he needed space a while ago (he also told her this). Because of the posts I had read here and the books I had read, I understood it and I was able to do it. She was not. While I gave loving support and acted "as if", she was clinging and couldn't give him that space, trying to force him into a decision he wasn't emotionally able to make yet. My DB coach had told me that eventually the OW would become too demanding, and she was right.

So I should be on cloud nine, right? But I'm not. I'm terrified.

We talked today and I told him I was scared about the work we have ahead of us. I honestly don't know if he will be able to do it. And by this I mean what I've read about communicating to each other your needs...what you need to feel loved. (from 5 love languages). He admits that he knows that my priority right now is saving our marriage, and his really is just trying to survive his daughter's death. I undertand that, I really do. He said that maybe that's why this other relationship was so appealing...it didn't require work. How do I counter that? Sex is really what started our problems, but it became so much more than that. I expressed all of this to him, trying to make him see that we both began feeling unloved and unappreciated so that we couldn't give the other person what they needed. Right now I think he's grieving the end of the other relationship. Wondering if he made the right decision. Sex was not the need she was fulfilling for him. It was making him feel like he was special, as well as giving him an escape from his terrible reality.

The day after we talked (which would have been Saturday) he was very loving and said "I love you" several times. But then the distance came again. I know a large part of it is what he's going through with his daughter (the holidays have taken their toll...), but I also think he is wondering if he made the right decision. He had fallen in love with this girl, to some extent, and now that outlet is gone. Those good feelings she gave him are gone, and he's left with me. And the prospect of having to "work" on our relationship. I think maybe for now I need to let go of the "we're both going to have to work at this" thing and focus on DB'ing techniques that only require me. We agreed that after the first of the year we would start counceling (I'm making an appointment tomorrow). Maybe in that environment he will see that the "work" realy isn't that bad.

I do know that he broke it off with her, which I told him I so appreciate and I know it was hard for him. Now I feel so much pressure...this is our last shot. She has told him she will wait for him and if things don't work out she will be there for him, she is so in love with him, etc. In his emotinal state I just don't know if he can stay away from that instant gratification if he doens't feel like things are moving quickly enough or if I do something wrong. I guess time will tell. Thank you for letting me use this space to get this out.