Just talked to D17, they are at the hotrl in downtown NYC and going swimming. she is so exccited, I am crying because of the joy in her voice. Its been a long time since I heard her laugh and be so giddy. Sorry for the typing, I'm crying...
Thank you for taking the time to go through my last post. I know that He wanted this out, that is why I have not heard from Him. He knew I was in circles over this and allowed me to bring it all to the surface. I knew these feeling were dark, but needed to be released. I felt better with every post. I believe that I need to make it feel as if she is gone for good. At least for a time while I gain clarity. Yes, I shuold stop asking questions like an annoying child and listen adn see what i hear. It is difficult for a man like me to fall apart over this. I was always everyone's rock. the fury I carry with this is unnecessary baggage and I am done with it for now.
I have known for a while that this would not end on my terms, nor would it end after the holidays. I don't see myself here at this time next year and if I am its to share my reconciliation and wisdom i have learned here with others. God has told me she will be back. But I need my "house" in order as He told David. I know what that means. I am not going to force feed myself forgiveness, I will let it come tome at His pace. Yes, He does lead in my walk, this I know. We will walk and talk. One of my buddies called to make sure we are still on for tomorrow night, they told me they are all anxious to see me. Unfortunately there is a snow storm coming in I hope to be out of work at noon and on my way by then.
I am sorry if anyone who has been posting me got disturb by my posts. They were honest and venting of a man who is furios with his situation, furious with his confusion and furious with his wife. God has asked me to get rid of the things that are holding me down and back, to release all the negative energy in me. I have done that, for now at least. My walk has begun. As each step is taken, a dawn arises. I will not forget these past few days. I will not forget how scared I was to feel this fury and rage. I will not look to see her for now, at any level. I am renewing a friendship with my cousin who I always was close to, I will look to make new friends and hold onto the ones I have because they are true friends. They will not hurt me and they will not let anyone else hurt me either. The sound in my D17 voice tonight, just 5 minutes ago, was the sign from God, that I am good now. that things will be good now for me. Her voice was , just the nicest gift I could get right now. She was so happy. Sorry crying again. She is very excited for me. Make sure you get out early and get to that party, you'll have a blast with all your buds...I will, I am sad, very sad....The effects of my meltdown have left me exhausted. Everything I posted about her is truly how I feel. That will make letting go easier. She will find nothing in me for her if she looks. She will see nothing until she sees the light shining inside me. For now I will be happy to just walk down the path, with Him by my side, talking and walking, praying that the walk will soon end. where the road leads, only He knows for sure, but I tell you this, He would not have me explode with this type of emotion if He didn't want room for new ones. I'm good with that. God bless you all.
