I know he has to be scared, confused and worried. We were supposed to be there for each other for forever, and that isn't the way things are right now. What makes me mad is that he is the one who couldn't let the feelings go that I had an affair, when I didn't. I have forgave him many times over, really every times he leaves. I am not doing very good with the patience part right now.
The ILY's are nice, but hurt too when I know he hasn't decided I am the one. Tonight he didn't get come by until almost 6:00. Had gone and changed for Taco Tuesday, at the bar. To me that means he made it so he didn't have to be here very long. There was an ad on the TV about the casino's for tomorrow night, and we had talked before Christmas about going to a casino on New Year's eve. Some friends of his from work were talking about going and he had told them, that is what I wanted to do. So I asked him which casino we were going to? H asked if I had any money? Joking.
I said yeah money from my mom and dad for Christmas. H said I don't know if the other guys are going, then he said, I would rather go by ourselves anyway, but I really didn't know if we were going or not.
It was like he started back peddling so fast. He said some other things and I said, well I thought maybe we could go see the movie The Spirit and then go to a casino. H didn't say anything, so I said. If you don't want to. H never said anything.
We talked about football stuff and I so wanted to say to him, why don't you just go, why did you even bother to come over.
I am not sure how to handle New Year's. If he doesn't want to be with me then, I am not sure I want to spend time with him after that, but that is so hard for me right now.
Do I say, you don't spend New Year's with me, don't bother calling or seeing me? I know I won't be good at enforcing it though. I am sure I will just cave. I would like to think I won't...but.
I am just so tired right now. I feel rode hard and put up wet. I cried after he left and yelled hit the pillows, not the wall this time.
I want to go to Arizona, so I think do I just wait and see what happens with our trip, or say I am not going to go. I don't know. Is it patience to sit and not do anything? I hate this!
