No i haven't spoken to my kids or her when I have been like this. I have been feeling this way, very bad and dark for a few days now. Is this ripping at the seams something i was expected to go through? apparently soYes.. No I have desire to get a girlfriend at dance class or anywhere else. I'll be honest with you as I told you before, I would nort make for good company at that level I am glad you see that..
Its not a matter of trying hard, its a matter of trying at all. I have a life that is independent of hers, but the firends i have are also friends of hers. I see the look in their eyes when they see. I know they have sspoken to her. That look of pity is pathetic and gets me mad. I joined line dancing to do something I liked and I do enjoy it. It starts again in 2 weeks That will be good and you can make NEW friends as well.
As for change, I agree with you and I like the fact that you see what is going on. I have been enabling things and watching things and doing some things. Amy I don't mean to bad mouth her , but I think you now understadn why I have said the things I have posted here. I must force her out of my life, there can be no part way, I cannot completely move forward with that shackle around my ankle. you are right. My posts do show that i have expectations, that I am revolving around her, albeit in wider circles. I have reread them, this is why I believe I am freaking out. Its because I see it. And I cannot afford to conitue on this way I agree.
I do not show her what she is missing, I am better off when she knows absolutely nothing. That is a fact. I believe all you say about god, I would not be here now posting this very dark posts. I write them here because some one has to know what is in my mind and my heart right now. Without this release I do not know what I would be capable of, don't get me wrong I have mile sof reasons to live. Its just a frustration of pain that I cannot seem to release without this board We understand. No matter which side of the fence we come from, THIS we all understand.. I feel almost as if He is willing me to come unglued It wouldn't be unheard of..., maybe for the reasons you indicated and maybe because that I feel it is Him making me get rid of my pain Let's not say "making" you get rid of the pain, LD. He's not going to "make" you do anything. But if you are the slightest bit looking for Him (which I believe you are) he will allow the heat of this trial to push all your junk to the surface so it can be removed from your life. It's the Refiner's Fire, LD. Look it up.. I feel better in this dark mode because I feel like someone else. And maybe its not the other one, maybe God feels that, much like you have said, that there is too much inside me that must be removed or cleansed or recognized befor ethe healing begins. I don't know. I prayed to him last night for that answer, please give me that answer, no other What if you just prayed that He give you eyes to see and ears to hear whatever HE determines you need to have, LD? He's not a fast food kinda God, you know. You don't get to roll up to the microphone, place your order and then go to the next window and have it filled. He knows what you need before you even have an inkling of it. L-I-S-T-E-N.
Oh, by the way, the I'm not the prize doesn'rt blow me down, it basically goes on to say that right now I am unobtainable to her. But I do believe that I must walk these miles. I believe He wants me to stop looking over my shoulder and go further down this road. Believe it or not your words are what my emotions have been these past couple of days in my posts. The bottom line is I must get out of dodge. I know that. I have made some things available to me. My D17 is going to NYC for new years. I scraped together a couple of bucks for her. She is going with her friends family. She made sure I wouldn't be alone. She told me to make sur eI go to the dance party and have fun. I left her a note, I told her how much she means to me. Because soetimes, you just have to tell people how you feel I agree. That will mean a lot to her, too. You are a good Dad.. She knows I am in pain, she sees it in my face and in my silence. She is my little girl, one of Dadyy's girls and they all know when I am in pain.
Amy I hate the loneliness We know, LD.. I hate it. I grew up with it, I haven't known it for over 30 years. I am getting and have a life pretty much. Is it so wrong that part of my life is taking care of my house? No that isn't wrong. That might actually be best for you. But ask God. What if He might want you somewhere else some of the time? You have already learned enough that you can help others - not only in this manner either. You know lots of things you can contribute to your family, friends and community as well as here. Maybe HE doesn't always want you at home. Ask HIM. Is having a life mean I have to go out every minute of the day or be busy every second No it absolutely does not. . you know I tried it and I was burning my candle from both ends. these dark posts make me afraid, I posted that. But the emotion and fury are qquite real. I think you are right, i think I need thismeltdown, I need to be broke so that I can be rebuilt Well that is exactly what God is in the business of doing!. Maybe thats why there has been no "ME". I am changed to a really good person, I am We know, LD.. But I am still attached to things that are holding me down. this fury tells you how I need to get rid of it. It hurts to know that I have/had these feelings in me Lighten up. They are normal.. I hope this is a milestone, I hope this is normal emotional release, because it is scaring the Hell out of me. No I have not forgiven her, not with this fury in me. But the only way I can see me detaching properly and sanely is to do it my way There you go again with the "my way" line. What's it gonna take for you to realize you ain't steering this ship? No matter how hard you try, you are not in control anymore.. If you believe this is a dark patch that will pass, as do a few opthers, then I am willing to put faith in that. But I want Him to tell me clearly, that this is what I am to do to clear my mind How do you think He does that? Do you think a voice comes outta the sky like back in Noah's day saying build an ark? No. He sends other believers to you to share their testimonies THAT YOU MIGHT BELIEVE. . Is this what was meant in the God's Promise when he spoke to David, about gettinghis "house" in order. ? do you think this meltdown is what He is telling me to do, just let it out and be done with that because I want that to be the reason I feel this way. I hate her for being my universe and all that I have ever loved so strongly. I hate her for that. No I won't give up, No I won't be mean and cruel, No I won't do things to spite, but I will use this to my advantage. I will use the fury to make my life better than it is now. I won't forget this feeling of complete and utter fury. I keep thinking Amy, if we all lived in the same neighborhood, how much better off we all might be....LD, if we all lived in the same neighborhood we wouldn't be able to share what we've learned with all the others that lurk on these boards from all over the world looking for hope and understanding and a kinship.
Is it wrong of me to hate her in this way (I don't think I really hate her)? Is it wrong of me to finally meltdown with rage and fury other than melting down becasue I 'm sad and want her back? I think the end will justify whatever means it comes by. So long as you deal with your feelings.this seems to be the complete opposite end of the spectrum. You have told me the holidays will crush me, but I don't think all of this is just from Christmas, this has been building up for a while Yes, it has. It just needed a catalyst and that's what the holidays were..
Thank you. I feel better now. As I have not known this feeling I wasn't sure if I was losing it or if this is just normal release. I prayed for the latter. I really did and do. Do you believe that He will pull emotion from you at this level? I do, I do not believe the other one had anything to do with this. The "other one" will only take over if you walk away from seeking God. I believe He wants this out of me. And i am mostly through with it I think Well my friend, then I would caution you against thinking. Because this is probably just round 1. Don't fret. You get stronger everytime you get back up.. I will ask Him tonight why? Just why? Could you consider shutting up instead?? Try listening. I'm serious. I talked til I was almost insane. Then I realized - I had to shut up.I feel much beter now. Believe me, I have changed and I know now I wasn't ready to have her back, not with this in me....But I still want it to end. I don't believe anything she says, I don't believe anything I see from her, not even half. I still live by these words, but I must do the one thing I never wanted to hear myself say. Bye, see you down the road, have a nice life....I can't walk down the road and not walk into trees and bushes and rocks if I keep looking over my shoulder. I will leave the road clear and paved as 25Year has instructed Yep. That was good advice.. I will reread the detachment section that FH sent me to. i will heed this post of yours as the highest because you have seen what I am feeling. you gave me what I needed to hear, That I am supposed to break, and come undone to be redone. I felt that, I believed it, but I needed to relaes these feelings. The ring is still on my finger. I have not thought strong enough to remove it. Even after lll of the posts, the dark ones.
I am going to see my cousin this weekend and rekindle that great friendship and feeling we had. I need it. Do me a favor and answer me this question, In my mind i need to feel as if she is gone forever, I had posted it many times over the last coule of days, am I wrong to do that knowing in my heart and soul that she is eternally there? For now I would say, live as if she's gone for good. But love as if she is due back any day. Find God's promises to you, LD. They are in the Bible. Then wait expectantly on the Lord. thanks,
And though I walk in the valley of shadows, I shall fear no evil, as He walks beside me.... Crazy thought...let Him lead
