Its now about just letting her see it though, its about really doing it. This is hard in the early stages because you are filled with grief. You cannot change for her. You have to change for you. You have to be of the mindset that REGARDLESS of the outcome, you want to be a better person. DBing is not just about winning the person back, but about being the best you can be, whether you reconcile or not.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
The more people praying, the better? Yes. But be VERY careful of mutual friends. No matter what they tell you, they likely will relay info to the other spouse.
Hey, throw me in! I'll pray for you!
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
I can just tell you this...my H is not much of a believer. I told him today I was praying for him, and I am not overtly religious but do have a firm relationship with God. He said, you know I don't believe in that crap. I said sure, I know, but I do.
It's just better if you keep the praying between you and God.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Sorry I have been gone a couple fo days...work picked up. Anyway...
I have the limited contact with her...I almost went into panic mode the other night, because when I called she just turned on the phone and handed it to the children without speaking. After the second child said goodbye, the phone just hung up. I did not call back or anything. Last night though, she called first...I am sure that she knew I was about to get to work, and was making sure I got to talk to the children first...but...I had the ringer off and didn't hear the call. I called back about 10 min later, and it was immeditally the children again...so I thought oh well, here we go again. But after I said goodbye to the second child, she got on the phone...she sounded more chipper than I had heard from her in a while. Our conversation was short, she steered it...it was less than a minute but it was great to hear her voice. She said she was going to go to a friend's house for New Year's Eve...makes me nervous though...this friend thinks I am the absolute devil incarnate...it is hypocrasy at it's finest though, as a few years ago her husband left her over an affair, for him to take her back a short time later. I prayed God's protection over her that no more poison will be allowed to be injected into our marriage.
I don't know how tonight's phone call is going to go...I really hope that I speak the normal hellos wirh her...but don't worry, if not, I will not freak out and do anything stupid.
I met with my counselor at my church yesterday...he gamve me a great book! It is a great one for making the changes in your life! If you are feeling drawn to God...this is an excellent book...I am through the first five chapters and have already felt new transformation within myself from it...it is written for men...it is called The Man in the Mirror, by Patrick Morley. If you're a man trying to get closer to God and determine what life is really all about, I recommend it.
I also met with my therapist yesterday...it went well. Much crying and stuff, but I guess its good to get it out there, right? Anyway, she feels that I am a good person...she compared me to other clients...she said the guilt and shame that has been all over my face are an indicator that I am, and that I was just going through spiritual warfare in my life. She feels that the problems that exist in the marriage are easily workable...she would like to work with my wife and I together...I sure with my wife was of the same mindset.
No text or anything from her last night at midnight...I must say that I am really not suprised considering the company she was with.
No baby issues and thank you for praying with me ms ladybug, you don't know how much that is appreciated.
As far as the mutual friend thing, I understand what you are saying...I guess that I just thought with some of the negative friends that she has, having friends around her that were more positive...ones that would talk to her with advice on the reconcilitation end of it would help...people she trusts, you know...
I question actually, in a couple of weeks, I'll have a couple fo days off, and I plan on going down to where she is (another state) for the children...I don't know if I'll be bringing them back up or not...if things continue as they are, or more on a positive note, I thought about inviting my wife out for lunch while I am in town...any thoughts?
I really miss the kids...I must say...haven't seen them since Christmas day...found out that tonight that I am only going to work have a shift, so I am planning on asking the wife what plans are for the morning, and telling her that I want to come down and take the kids to the park...take the four hour drive down for that...I also thought, ensuring that I let her know that it is completely her decision on whether or not to do it, invite her to come to the park as well...not quite sure how the second part would be recieved...mainly by people here...do you think good idea or bad?
Okay...a little update...I was going to post an update yesterday, but...as I began, things changed...a turn for the worse, and I had to have time to deal with what happened before writing.
Anyway, so, I called her and asked if I could come get the kids. She said yeah...I threw it out there that if she wanted to go to, she could. She declined, stated that she had a couple of errands to run that would be easier without the kids. I was just like, "ok, that's fine". I went down to her house...picked up the kids....brought a couple of things that she had wanted...not long term stuff, some toys for the kids and stuff. So, I unloaded the car, and picked up the kids. We went to the park. I would say we had a great time, but it was actually difficult for me...being with the kids, it felt like my heart was breaking all over again. But, the kids had a GREAT time...we went to the park.
Took the kids back...had a brief conversation with her...just general updates and things like that. There were probably a few things that I said that I prob shouldn't have...the convo just steered that way. I asked her if I could pray with her, she said no, that she wasn't confortable with that, but I told her that was okay, I understand. No one here answered the question that I had asked, so I just did what I thought best...I told her that I wanted her to know that I loved her and that I was committed to the M. She just nodded. She took my hand as I started to leave...just the fingertips with hers...and then squeezed them for a min, while making eye contact with me. So, I actually felt pretty good about that...she sent me a text that night which she NEVER does...granted it was about a weekend towards the end of the month (my next weekend off), askin if she could give the kids to me that time...she also asked about the next weekend that I have off. I txt her back that I wasn't sure and why...she txt back that she would like to be able to integrate it in the kids education (she homeschools) and it would give them a pattern/sked on seeing me and give them that to look forward to. I was unable to contact her back, so didn't txt back, I just decided to call her in the morning. Well, she actually called me (she NEVER does), it was about the kids again. I told her that I needed to make a call before I could committ in regards to something else I had committed to that weekend. So, I called her an hour later and told her okay on the boys. Then, things went south...
She hadn't every mention lawyer talk until the beginning of all of this, so I thuoght that was a good thing. Anyway, she said that she had been looking for an atty that would work with both of us since she wanted to do the whole thing nicely...she said she found a woman that she liked, but was only willing to work with her, and wanted to give me to opportunity to get my own atty if I felt necessary. After I removed the knife from my heart, I asked her what was wrong with leaving the sitch as it was for now. She told me that she felt it was giving me the wrong idea (yup, can't help but wonder if I said too much the day before, but it seems she was actively searching for atty though), and leaving it as it was might make me think she was open to reconciliation. Somehow, the convo turned religious... don't remember who did that. She felt that she had recieved God's blessing to go..I ended up telling her that God was speaking other things to me...opposite of that (I know, I challenged her...but the problem was that it seemed using God as justification was so not right). She said a couple of comments that cut me pretty deep...she said that it would take YEARS before she'd ever be able to trust me. She also said that she knows that she is not in love with me at all anymore because the thought of seeing me with another woman didn't even phase her. The conversation never became angry...I didn't lose my cool, and stayed pleasant, at least.
One of the main concerns is this...she didn't want to give me the wrong idea, but the thing is, she had told me earlier in the sep that I'd need months of therapy before I could ask her back, and on another occasion she told me that a mutual friend was in my corner and that said friend said she believed I would come back to my wife a changed man. Meaning, that in the beginning, she hinted on reconciliation. I am so confused on all of this.
Two quick questions...one, if I get handed sep papers...she knows how I feel about it...what should I do with those papers?
Two, I know all of the bad feelings that everyone feels are normal, but one feeling that I have that seems to be the worst...I can't quiet it...I am sure it's not so with everyone...that is the guilt for the things I have done. I know that if I didn't make the mistakes that I made, the W and I would still be together, and it even makes me feel worse as a father because I know that if I hadn't done what I did, my kids would be with me right now...how do I ease my guilt and regret?
