You are a great inspiration to me, as is all of my friedns here. I asked for both last night, I asked for a sign as which one me He is guiding me to, I asked Him to tell me what I need to do, and here I am posting the same hateful and dark posts as I did yesterday. The conflict in me is huge and the battle rages on. I love her too much to watch this any longer. I cannot interfere, this I know, it must play out on its own, and since none of it involcves me, I wash my hands of it and move on to get everything involving me up the next rung. there is a reason these images have become so intense, I don't know why, but there is. My dream of walking from my friends because of their relationship with her has meaning, I can see only one. Leave it all, leave it all and start over. Dreams need consistency, I shall see where the dream takes me. I have seen no psitive signs from anything, anyone or Him. I take that as a sign of where I need to go, I need to walk, I need to put some distance between me and this situation. Just like when I would drink and get jealous and she would flirt more and more as she drank, I would leave, so that it wouldn't hurt if I couldn't see it. cowardice, yes, it is. But I think I spent all of my strength and hope on Xmas Eve and Xmnas day. I need to be me, make a me, and move on with me. I cannot do that If I keep considering "Us". I have not given up totally, as I have said I pray hard for answers before I act. He has given me none so far in regard to this darkness. I hopeit ends as you have said, but right now, I'm not sure I want it to.
Just like when I would drink and get jealous and she would flirt more and more as she drank, I would leave, so that it wouldn't hurt if I couldn't see it.
Way back in the beginning. She had been flirting heavily, so bad even my kids were disgusted. everyone said it was me blowing things out of proportion, really now?!
She has been in whatever she is in (if she is in anything) for over 2 years I believe and so do my kids. Amy I am losingit in a big way. these dark thoguthare really crashing me. Obviously you can see by what I have posted. I love her too much to keep seeing these images and having these thoughts. I have to push her away from me, I have to walk for awhile alone without any signs or thinking about her. Even the thought of her hanging around friends is making me think of leaving them behind as well.
I can't keep losing sleep. I am a friggin zombie. I need to detach from her, completely, I mean as if it were forever. I am kidding myself into believing there is any hope when it seems to go and go like the tide. God has put me on a path, and I do not know where it leads. All I know is the pain is getting worse. She is getting deeper involved with thisidiot, not less. Trying to bring him into the friends we shared and even my own kids. what's nexrt, bringing him to my house so they can do it on my friggin bed?! I 'm not giving up but I am definitely leaning on the "see in Heaven when I 'm dead" mentallity. I seriously have a fury inside of me I have never felt before. I have been mad about this situation before, but nothing like this.
POSTED 9/1708
"everthing seems to revolve around my jealousy and when we would party on weekends, she would flirt to the max which would send me off. I would say terrible things about our marriage and that she wanted other men, the whole shooting match. I asked her many times over the past couple of years what was wrong and her constant reply, nothing, don't worry about it. "
Well as I posted then I was right. She kept telling me it was in my head. the whole time she was having EA and then a PA and I am not sur ethis is the first one now. Oh, yeah things are coming out about her. Some I heard of and pushed aside, but now I believe. No, this crap with her didn't just start in August, it has been going on for a while. I would love to reconcile my marriage, I would love to have her back. But the thoughts, Amy, the thoughts of her with other men and coming back to me as second fiddle which she made me feel like for quite osme time.
No she is not fading in her affair it is growing, let them get married they can live in his parents basement. I am no longer the prize in this situation, I am the the gold ring she cannot get, she cannot reach. she is on a completely different ride now. And , well, I don't that somebody else isn't gonna grab the gold ring before her ride even stops. I am not looking, I am not desiring anyone else nor even wanting anyone else. I just can't take the intense self misery I am inflicting on myself with these fantasies of "US" getting back together. At this point I think it is all BS that I am dillusioning myself too. Maybe eveyone else is right and I am wrong? Maybe I was her mistake, maybe her leaving was right, AMY I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE!!!!!!I don't know up from down, back from front. this fury has me all the place. All I know is while I have it the pain is less. Blakingher totally out of my life has a calming affect on me. I don't know what God's plan is for me. Is there reconcilitation or is this just my trials and tribulations to go on with life knowing tha tI have been put under more emotional, mental and physical strain in four yesars than most people would have thought possible. I lost my dad 4 years ago, a great job 1.5 years later and my wife a year after that. I barely get by on my pay, I don't drink, I don't go out because I really can't afford it. How much more do I have to bear? How much more will He thrust upon me before I break? Haven't I cried enought tears, had my heart broken hard enough, seen my life torn apart enought times in this lifetime? I was born with a crossed eye, since comingout of the womb, everything has been an uphill battle for me. What the hell was the sense. Sad that I feel this way, it is not self pity it is righteous questioning about where I am, what am I doing, what does He want from me. I am tired of having things taken from me, ripped from my chest and stomped on. You will never know anyone who loves their wife more than I. No one!!! But it is now become the one thing I hate more than anything, my love for her is definitely my Achilles tendon. I pray hard, Amy, I really pray hard. i don't ask for the impossible I ask to give me what I need to get through this and now I wonder, am I just getting through this because it is the end? The inevitable is here, that the probability of her "going through something" is just BS and that she really is just someone who wants to sleep around, fall in love and move on to the next one? Because thats what I think of her right now. It isn't right to cast that stone, it isn't. But I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. I can't and won't bring my kids or friends into this after wroking so hard to keep them out. I just think I'm really starting to lose it.. I can feel the tears now, I just don't know anyomore. And worse than that, I don't think I care.... Does anyone out there have any words? Has anyone gone through this fury,? How did you fare? Will this pass or is this who and what I am becoming, I don't like it....But there is too much in me....I thought I was starting to forgive Amy, but it seems to be the opposite. the only thing I can tell you is i am afraid to take my wedding ring off. I think once I take it off, it will never go back on....
I'm not even reading beyond "I am not the prize in this situation" because anything you would have written after that would be CRAP.
Look - get back to basics and get yourself a life, independent of your wife. As I have said before, too much still revolves around her and what she is or is not doing.
Protect yourself financially.
BUT KNOW THIS...You can still stand through this and see your marriage restored but it is not going to happen if you don't take care of YOURSELF first. Like I've said, God is not going to return a walk-away to a still-broken spouse. Just because you have realized some things you shoulda/coulda/woulda done differently DOES NOT MEAN you are yet where God intends for you to be. Man, if that was the case, I'd have been home a long time ago. As it stands, I am STILL changing and growing although it's my husband that is having the worst time of it because he still REFUSES to grow up and take control of his life. That has nothing to do with me however. I CHOOSE to love him even when I'd like to do nothing more than choke the living daylights out of him. You can get here, too. But it ain't no freakin cakewalk.
I have known something was amiss in your sitch for a long time. At times I've read and just squinted my eyes at the screen trying to see between the lines. What it is - is you've been playing a role. You haven't been changed fundamentally - in the way that only God can change a person.
So break dammit.
Come unglued.
Come unwound.
Until you do, you aren't going to know what is real, what is a lie from the pit, what's right in front of your face, much less what God might actually be trying to convey to you.
Stop trying so hard. Stop trying to show your wife what she's losing.
Find out FOR YOURSELF.
You don't even really know who you are yet - much less who you are IN CHRIST.
So stop.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Stop it.
You have done a heck of a lot better than others here and you have shown your wife tremendous things. But honey, she does not have the eyes to see them. And you can't change that. YOUR JOB is to get YOURSELF into a position as a child of God that you can stand, in HIM, and pray your wife through this time. Like it or not, feel up to it or not, that's what you're here for. And the assignment is not handed out lightly. Oh you can chuck it and go get yourself a girlfriend down at dance class. But I wouldn't give two cents for the sleep you'll have at night when you lay your head down if you do.
Believe it or not this horrible place you are at right now is a milestone.
It will take you higher.
Just get through it without throwing the baby out with the bath water, k?
MAKE NO DECISIONS AND DO NOT OPEN YOUR MOUTH TO YOUR KIDS OR WIFE WHEN YOU ARE IN THIS FRAME OF MIND
Just be still and know that He is God.
And He is a rewarder of those who DILIGENTLY seek Him, LD.
YES others have felt the fury you feel. And lived. It's a double edged sword. In some ways, it can help you if it's better than crying all the time and it CAN help you move on with a "f--- them if they don't want me" attitude. It CAN be useful in starting to GAL and it can feel better than utter despair and the rejections and all the negative fantasies of OP in bed with our spouses...yes, fury can help at some stages...
But anger can also consume you. The anger can ruin your life, and the lives of those around you, which will end up being very few people if any. Don't become a bitter man. Then you'll have lost your soul and the hope of a decent happy future with or without the w. Although my issues were not the same as yours, I was angrier than I have ever been in my life and for longer...OMG, it hurt and infuriated me. Does it sometimes pop up again even though we are reconciled? Not that much anymore, but I get angry at present day issues that remind me of past selfishness and sometimes I feel as if he owes me so much, that he has no rights now, if you know what I mean. I KNOW I'm not being smart about it, just admitting that at some level, I feel "owed" big time.
You are thinking that even if your w wanted to reconcile she has "pooped the sheets" too much, so to speak. And you also wonder if your feelings of being owed, and the fury you feel, would be obstacles too...These are universal issues when you are betrayed by someone you love.
It is why forgiveness isn't just necessary for reconciliation, it is why it is necessary for your very survival as a human. Please see the posting I put up the other day on Forgiveness. It's just a story but it may help you. Also You said "everyone has someone, I have no one.' That isn't true and you know it. You have children who love you and are healthy. You have people who care about you a lot. Don't poo poo that, as I've lost several members of my family this year including a 41 y/o brother in law, and my h's mom is dying of cancer. So even though everyone says "be grateful", I feel it. I mean it. We can all look at our past losses and add them up on our scorecard of life. No two people have the same scorecard anyhow and the fact is, we won't be "even", ever. That's not that important is it?
Is this about being "right", or being happy again? Do some forgiveness exercises and turn your pain over to God.
Gotta go now but will write more later. ((( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
No i haven't spoken to my kids or her when I have been like this. I have been feeling this way, very bad and dark for a few days now. Is this ripping at the seams something i was expected to go through? apparently so. No I have desire to get a girlfriend at dance class or anywhere else. I'll be honest with you as I told you before, I would nort make for good company at that level.
Its not a matter of trying hard, its a matter of trying at all. I have a life that is independent of hers, but the firends i have are also friends of hers. I see the look in their eyes when they see. I know they have sspoken to her. That look of pity is pathetic and gets me mad. I joined line dancing to do something I liked and I do enjoy it. It starts again in 2 weeks.
As for change, I agree with you and I like the fact that you see what is going on. I have been enabling things and watching things and doing some things. Amy I don't mean to bad mouth her , but I think you now understadn why I have said the things I have posted here. I must force her out of my life, there can be no part way, I cannot completely move forward with that shackle around my ankle. you are right. My posts do show that i have expectations, that I am revolving around her, albeit in wider circles. I have reread them, this is why I believe I am freaking out. Its because I see it. And I cannot afford to conitue on this way.
I do not show her what she is missing, I am better off when she knows absolutely nothing. That is a fact. I believe all you say about god, I would not be here now posting this very dark posts. I write them here because some one has to know what is in my mind and my heart right now. Without this release I do not know what I would be capable of, don't get me wrong I have mile sof reasons to live. Its just a frustration of pain that I cannot seem to release without this board. I feel almost as if He is willing me to come unglued, maybe for the reasons you indicated and maybe because that I feel it is Him making me get rid of my pain. I feel better in this dark mode because I feel like someone else. And maybe its not the other one, maybe God feels that, much like you have said, that there is too much inside me that must be removed or cleansed or recognized befor ethe healing begins. I don't know. I prayed to him last night for that answer, please give me that answer, no other.
Oh, by the way, the I'm not the prize doesn'rt blow me down, it basically goes on to say that right now I am unobtainable to her. But I do believe that I must walk these miles. I believe He wants me to stop looking over my shoulder and go further down this road. Believe it or not your words are what my emotions have been these past couple of days in my posts. The bottom line is I must get out of dodge. I know that. I have made some things available to me. My D17 is going to NYC for new years. I scraped together a couple of bucks for her. She is going with her friends family. She made sure I wouldn't be alone. She told me to make sur eI go to the dance party and have fun. I left her a note, I told her how much she means to me. Because soetimes, you just have to tell people how you feel. She knows I am in pain, she sees it in my face and in my silence. She is my little girl, one of Dadyy's girls and they all know when I am in pain.
Amy I hate the loneliness. I hate it. I grew up with it, I haven't known it for over 30 years. I am getting and have a life pretty much. Is it so wrong that part of my life is taking care of my house? Is having a life mean I have to go out every minute of the day or be busy every second. you know I tried it and I was burning my candle from both ends. these dark posts make me afraid, I posted that. But the emotion and fury are qquite real. I think you are right, i think I need thismeltdown, I need to be broke so that I can be rebuilt. Maybe thats why there has been no "ME". I am changed to a really good person, I am. But I am still attached to things that are holding me down. this fury tells you how I need to get rid of it. It hurts to know that I have/had these feelings in me. I hope this is a milestone, I hope this is normal emotional release, because it is scaring the Hell out of me. No I have not forgiven her, not with this fury in me. But the only way I can see me detaching properly and sanely is to do it my way. If you believe this is a dark patch that will pass, as do a few opthers, then I am willing to put faith in that. But I want Him to tell me clearly, that this is what I am to do to clear my mind. Is this what was meant in the God's Promise when he spoke to David, about gettinghis "house" in order. ? do you think this meltdown is what He is telling me to do, just let it out and be done with that because I want that to be the reason I feel this way. I hate her for being my universe and all that I have ever loved so strongly. I hate her for that. No I won't give up, No I won't be mean and cruel, No I won't do things to spite, but I will use this to my advantage. I will use the fury to make my life better than it is now. I won't forget this feeling of complete and utter fury. I keep thinking Amy, if we all lived in the same neighborhood, how much better off we all might be....
Is it wrong of me to hate her in this way (I don't think I really hate her)? Is it wrong of me to finally meltdown with rage and fury other than melting down becasue I 'm sad and want her back? this seems to be the complete opposite end of the spectrum. You have told me the holidays will crush me, but I don't think all of this is just from Christmas, this has been building up for a while.
Thank you. I feel better now. As I have not known this feeling I wasn't sure if I was losing it or if this is just normal release. I prayed for the latter. I really did and do. Do you believe that He will pull emotion from you at this level? I do, I do not believe the other one had anything to do with this. I believe He wants this out of me. And i am mostly through with it I think. I will ask Him tonight why? Just why? I feel much beter now. Believe me, I have changed and I know now I wasn't ready to have her back, not with this in me....But I still want it to end. I don't believe anything she says, I don't believe anything I see from her, not even half. I still live by these words, but I must do the one thing I never wanted to hear myself say. Bye, see you down the road, have a nice life....I can't walk down the road and not walk into trees and bushes and rocks if I keep looking over my shoulder. I will leave the road clear and paved as 25Year has instructed. I will reread the detachment section that FH sent me to. i will heed this post of yours as the highest because you have seen what I am feeling. you gave me what I needed to hear, That I am supposed to break, and come undone to be redone. I felt that, I believed it, but I needed to relaes these feelings. The ring is still on my finger. I have not thought strong enough to remove it. Even after lll of the posts, the dark ones.
I am going to see my cousin this weekend and rekindle that great friendship and feeling we had. I need it. Do me a favor and answer me this question, In my mind i need to feel as if she is gone forever, I had posted it many times over the last coule of days, am I wrong to do that knowing in my heart and soul that she is eternally there? thanks,
And though I walk in the valley of shadows, I shall fear no evil, as He walks beside me....
No i haven't spoken to my kids or her when I have been like this. I have been feeling this way, very bad and dark for a few days now. Is this ripping at the seams something i was expected to go through? apparently soYes.. No I have desire to get a girlfriend at dance class or anywhere else. I'll be honest with you as I told you before, I would nort make for good company at that level I am glad you see that..
Its not a matter of trying hard, its a matter of trying at all. I have a life that is independent of hers, but the firends i have are also friends of hers. I see the look in their eyes when they see. I know they have sspoken to her. That look of pity is pathetic and gets me mad. I joined line dancing to do something I liked and I do enjoy it. It starts again in 2 weeks That will be good and you can make NEW friends as well.
As for change, I agree with you and I like the fact that you see what is going on. I have been enabling things and watching things and doing some things. Amy I don't mean to bad mouth her , but I think you now understadn why I have said the things I have posted here. I must force her out of my life, there can be no part way, I cannot completely move forward with that shackle around my ankle. you are right. My posts do show that i have expectations, that I am revolving around her, albeit in wider circles. I have reread them, this is why I believe I am freaking out. Its because I see it. And I cannot afford to conitue on this way I agree.
I do not show her what she is missing, I am better off when she knows absolutely nothing. That is a fact. I believe all you say about god, I would not be here now posting this very dark posts. I write them here because some one has to know what is in my mind and my heart right now. Without this release I do not know what I would be capable of, don't get me wrong I have mile sof reasons to live. Its just a frustration of pain that I cannot seem to release without this board We understand. No matter which side of the fence we come from, THIS we all understand.. I feel almost as if He is willing me to come unglued It wouldn't be unheard of..., maybe for the reasons you indicated and maybe because that I feel it is Him making me get rid of my pain Let's not say "making" you get rid of the pain, LD. He's not going to "make" you do anything. But if you are the slightest bit looking for Him (which I believe you are) he will allow the heat of this trial to push all your junk to the surface so it can be removed from your life. It's the Refiner's Fire, LD. Look it up.. I feel better in this dark mode because I feel like someone else. And maybe its not the other one, maybe God feels that, much like you have said, that there is too much inside me that must be removed or cleansed or recognized befor ethe healing begins. I don't know. I prayed to him last night for that answer, please give me that answer, no other What if you just prayed that He give you eyes to see and ears to hear whatever HE determines you need to have, LD? He's not a fast food kinda God, you know. You don't get to roll up to the microphone, place your order and then go to the next window and have it filled. He knows what you need before you even have an inkling of it. L-I-S-T-E-N.
Oh, by the way, the I'm not the prize doesn'rt blow me down, it basically goes on to say that right now I am unobtainable to her. But I do believe that I must walk these miles. I believe He wants me to stop looking over my shoulder and go further down this road. Believe it or not your words are what my emotions have been these past couple of days in my posts. The bottom line is I must get out of dodge. I know that. I have made some things available to me. My D17 is going to NYC for new years. I scraped together a couple of bucks for her. She is going with her friends family. She made sure I wouldn't be alone. She told me to make sur eI go to the dance party and have fun. I left her a note, I told her how much she means to me. Because soetimes, you just have to tell people how you feel I agree. That will mean a lot to her, too. You are a good Dad.. She knows I am in pain, she sees it in my face and in my silence. She is my little girl, one of Dadyy's girls and they all know when I am in pain.
Amy I hate the loneliness We know, LD.. I hate it. I grew up with it, I haven't known it for over 30 years. I am getting and have a life pretty much. Is it so wrong that part of my life is taking care of my house? No that isn't wrong. That might actually be best for you. But ask God. What if He might want you somewhere else some of the time? You have already learned enough that you can help others - not only in this manner either. You know lots of things you can contribute to your family, friends and community as well as here. Maybe HE doesn't always want you at home. Ask HIM. Is having a life mean I have to go out every minute of the day or be busy every second No it absolutely does not. . you know I tried it and I was burning my candle from both ends. these dark posts make me afraid, I posted that. But the emotion and fury are qquite real. I think you are right, i think I need thismeltdown, I need to be broke so that I can be rebuilt Well that is exactly what God is in the business of doing!. Maybe thats why there has been no "ME". I am changed to a really good person, I am We know, LD.. But I am still attached to things that are holding me down. this fury tells you how I need to get rid of it. It hurts to know that I have/had these feelings in me Lighten up. They are normal.. I hope this is a milestone, I hope this is normal emotional release, because it is scaring the Hell out of me. No I have not forgiven her, not with this fury in me. But the only way I can see me detaching properly and sanely is to do it my way There you go again with the "my way" line. What's it gonna take for you to realize you ain't steering this ship? No matter how hard you try, you are not in control anymore.. If you believe this is a dark patch that will pass, as do a few opthers, then I am willing to put faith in that. But I want Him to tell me clearly, that this is what I am to do to clear my mind How do you think He does that? Do you think a voice comes outta the sky like back in Noah's day saying build an ark? No. He sends other believers to you to share their testimonies THAT YOU MIGHT BELIEVE. . Is this what was meant in the God's Promise when he spoke to David, about gettinghis "house" in order. ? do you think this meltdown is what He is telling me to do, just let it out and be done with that because I want that to be the reason I feel this way. I hate her for being my universe and all that I have ever loved so strongly. I hate her for that. No I won't give up, No I won't be mean and cruel, No I won't do things to spite, but I will use this to my advantage. I will use the fury to make my life better than it is now. I won't forget this feeling of complete and utter fury. I keep thinking Amy, if we all lived in the same neighborhood, how much better off we all might be....LD, if we all lived in the same neighborhood we wouldn't be able to share what we've learned with all the others that lurk on these boards from all over the world looking for hope and understanding and a kinship.
Is it wrong of me to hate her in this way (I don't think I really hate her)? Is it wrong of me to finally meltdown with rage and fury other than melting down becasue I 'm sad and want her back? I think the end will justify whatever means it comes by. So long as you deal with your feelings.this seems to be the complete opposite end of the spectrum. You have told me the holidays will crush me, but I don't think all of this is just from Christmas, this has been building up for a while Yes, it has. It just needed a catalyst and that's what the holidays were..
Thank you. I feel better now. As I have not known this feeling I wasn't sure if I was losing it or if this is just normal release. I prayed for the latter. I really did and do. Do you believe that He will pull emotion from you at this level? I do, I do not believe the other one had anything to do with this. The "other one" will only take over if you walk away from seeking God. I believe He wants this out of me. And i am mostly through with it I think Well my friend, then I would caution you against thinking. Because this is probably just round 1. Don't fret. You get stronger everytime you get back up.. I will ask Him tonight why? Just why? Could you consider shutting up instead?? Try listening. I'm serious. I talked til I was almost insane. Then I realized - I had to shut up.I feel much beter now. Believe me, I have changed and I know now I wasn't ready to have her back, not with this in me....But I still want it to end. I don't believe anything she says, I don't believe anything I see from her, not even half. I still live by these words, but I must do the one thing I never wanted to hear myself say. Bye, see you down the road, have a nice life....I can't walk down the road and not walk into trees and bushes and rocks if I keep looking over my shoulder. I will leave the road clear and paved as 25Year has instructed Yep. That was good advice.. I will reread the detachment section that FH sent me to. i will heed this post of yours as the highest because you have seen what I am feeling. you gave me what I needed to hear, That I am supposed to break, and come undone to be redone. I felt that, I believed it, but I needed to relaes these feelings. The ring is still on my finger. I have not thought strong enough to remove it. Even after lll of the posts, the dark ones.
I am going to see my cousin this weekend and rekindle that great friendship and feeling we had. I need it. Do me a favor and answer me this question, In my mind i need to feel as if she is gone forever, I had posted it many times over the last coule of days, am I wrong to do that knowing in my heart and soul that she is eternally there? For now I would say, live as if she's gone for good. But love as if she is due back any day. Find God's promises to you, LD. They are in the Bible. Then wait expectantly on the Lord. thanks,
And though I walk in the valley of shadows, I shall fear no evil, as He walks beside me.... Crazy thought...let Him lead
Just talked to D17, they are at the hotrl in downtown NYC and going swimming. she is so exccited, I am crying because of the joy in her voice. Its been a long time since I heard her laugh and be so giddy. Sorry for the typing, I'm crying...
Thank you for taking the time to go through my last post. I know that He wanted this out, that is why I have not heard from Him. He knew I was in circles over this and allowed me to bring it all to the surface. I knew these feeling were dark, but needed to be released. I felt better with every post. I believe that I need to make it feel as if she is gone for good. At least for a time while I gain clarity. Yes, I shuold stop asking questions like an annoying child and listen adn see what i hear. It is difficult for a man like me to fall apart over this. I was always everyone's rock. the fury I carry with this is unnecessary baggage and I am done with it for now.
I have known for a while that this would not end on my terms, nor would it end after the holidays. I don't see myself here at this time next year and if I am its to share my reconciliation and wisdom i have learned here with others. God has told me she will be back. But I need my "house" in order as He told David. I know what that means. I am not going to force feed myself forgiveness, I will let it come tome at His pace. Yes, He does lead in my walk, this I know. We will walk and talk. One of my buddies called to make sure we are still on for tomorrow night, they told me they are all anxious to see me. Unfortunately there is a snow storm coming in I hope to be out of work at noon and on my way by then.
I am sorry if anyone who has been posting me got disturb by my posts. They were honest and venting of a man who is furios with his situation, furious with his confusion and furious with his wife. God has asked me to get rid of the things that are holding me down and back, to release all the negative energy in me. I have done that, for now at least. My walk has begun. As each step is taken, a dawn arises. I will not forget these past few days. I will not forget how scared I was to feel this fury and rage. I will not look to see her for now, at any level. I am renewing a friendship with my cousin who I always was close to, I will look to make new friends and hold onto the ones I have because they are true friends. They will not hurt me and they will not let anyone else hurt me either. The sound in my D17 voice tonight, just 5 minutes ago, was the sign from God, that I am good now. that things will be good now for me. Her voice was , just the nicest gift I could get right now. She was so happy. Sorry crying again. She is very excited for me. Make sure you get out early and get to that party, you'll have a blast with all your buds...I will, I am sad, very sad....The effects of my meltdown have left me exhausted. Everything I posted about her is truly how I feel. That will make letting go easier. She will find nothing in me for her if she looks. She will see nothing until she sees the light shining inside me. For now I will be happy to just walk down the path, with Him by my side, talking and walking, praying that the walk will soon end. where the road leads, only He knows for sure, but I tell you this, He would not have me explode with this type of emotion if He didn't want room for new ones. I'm good with that. God bless you all.
LD, can't write much now as we are going to a movie. Just wanted to tell you that my prayers of YEARS, for clarity, were not answered with letters in the sky...Often it was sort of a 51% feeling for something and 49% against. It's foggy at times, and the lines were shifty and blurring. I really want you to know that sometimes there is clarity, but sometimes it isn't clear to US, or it isn't black and white the way we present it to God. As Amy says, listen. And ask again. I don't think God tires of us asking or praying for HIS will...and answers. He doesn't say "Crap, is LD praying/nagging ME again?" I think he always wants to be included in our lives. Keep inviting Him in.
You will get answers, and strength, sometimes separately, sometimes together. For me, always asking myself when presented with a choice was whether it helped my goal of GAL and providing love, security and dignity in the face of heartache, for my kids...OR was it being judgmental or punitive. Sometimes that was easy to answer, sometimes not so easy. Try hard to come from a place of love, including love for yourself, and know yourself well enough to not kid yourself.
You can be really hurt by someone and yet, not a victim. You are a survivor no matter what someone else (w) does. Do not let anyone ruin your life or make your choices for you. You will be happy again.
But yes, LD, we all know of your pain. We have all felt it. The fears...oh they are bad ones. The pains are deep and so are the wounds....we have been there. We are with you and you are not alone.
((( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Slept OK, last night, not great but better. Images were a lot less in my head. Obviously thinking of New Years w/o her. But that's all part of it. My friends are glad I'm going to the party, D17 made me promise I'd go and not sit home. Started snowing already. I'm outta here at noon. stop home and take care of the animals and then on my way.
I asked last night if I'll be OK. No answer, but sleep came. I take that as a yes. I will listen now and look for His signs. Only His. I will be diligent in searching for a better paying job as of Friday night. I will dedicate an hour a night to that effort (keeps me away from the damn TV). I have set some goals for myself, I will go out and visit people one day each weekend. It'll be good, plus it'll help me concentrate on doing house projects nights during the week rather than alll weekend. A new job is key right now. I like my job, but for the work I do here, I am grossly underpaid. Need to focus on finances and really nailing things down to a routine. I have my line dancing, I need to work on selling my camper and my campsite (all that hinges on a better paying job or the lottery), kids really want to use it this year though...Real catch-22, they never wanted to go down there because of the drinking and the drama, now that those things are gone, hmmmm, imagine that...
I know I need to walk this path for a while, alone with Him, to talk and walk. Put some distance between me and this situation. I cannot have the clarity I needed being this clouded. AmyC, 25year, T'gone (my old bud) and FH my hope is back. The fury is away for now, but I don't think gone forever. I have a lot of work to do in forgiving, but that is what the walk is for. I have decided to keep one of my wedding albums out on my bookshelf. This came to me this morning so I am not going to argue it. It will be there if I need to look at it. It will be there if I don't . I cannot forget what we had, again, very strong feeling this morning, same with the ring. Not sure if He put that bug in my head, but the feeling was real strong in me this morning. why fight it. I wanna hang some pictures this week to take up the wall space, put up some shelves and finally put up the memorabilia from my Dad....
trying to keep myself from thinking too far ahead. Will layout my calendar of activities and things to be done by, but that's it. thoughts of her still in my head, but thats part of it and cannot be helped. they are much less and less threatening to me.
I'd like to knwo what milestone I just passed. I hope I don't have another one of those....Thank you all for your support through that very rough patch. I need this distraction tonight, more than I know. I need the hugs and kisses, the dancing the laughter, and I will have a couple of beers. I will be coherent, no slipping. i will visit with my older D I think the next day, take the long way home and go to her house and say hello. Then it will be home...Everyone have a Happy New Year, I'm not looking forward to my life being like this to start the New one, but the goal will be to not have it end the way it begins....
