Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[Trixi]

Oh and one more thing. RM has the audicity to talk about when SS is going to be "moving out on his own" next June or July after he has a month or two to save up. WTF????? RM makes 2-3 times as much money as SS- and who the he11 does RM think he is to say when SS moves out?
Yes, I know that this can't be ALL RM's idea.
SS says "Dad's music is good and everything. And maybe it could go somewhere- but what is more important? Family or music? It's family that is supposed to be most important. A person should pick FAMILY first and then music."

yup.

[NikB]

(((trixi)))

Will post soon...

[NikB]

(((Trixi)))

Back as promised (or threatened, or something.. ).

If I try to quote everything back this is going to be even longer than my normal way long posts so I'll just try to reply in order and hopefully it makes sense.

Thanks for asking about our "something bigger!" Right now, it's surviving through the holidays! Just kidding.. but on a serious note I have been giving it a lot of thought. Things have been really, really weird with us.. it's like we're both stumbling around trying to make things better with neither of us having a clue how to do it. Once we get through the holidays I'm definitely planning to get more active on my thread and look for ideas! I think the biggest thing is I let a lot of my GAL'ing and detachment go... need to work on that. But beyond that, we do need that shared goal too.

Now back to you...

Going back a bit - did you have fun with your friend and the lunch/puzzle? Sounds fun! Nice and low key too, which seems right up your alley. And hey, added bonus that he's cute..

Interesting CDs you were listening to. The theory on dating (keep options open until you're engaged)... I dunno if I totally buy into that, I do think there's an in between of "long term committed R but not engaged yet," but I think the MESSAGE behind it, the loving yourself enough to do this, is really good. Being yourself and no eggshells - boy does that sound wonderful. Good advice.

Back to your newer posts..

Once again I just have to say I am SO sorry that you're having to deal with all this stuff with your SS.

Do you see what's happening with your H? Just as you worried about - he's dangling that carrot just enough to use you to drive him around. And now his RM too?? Ridiculous.

I'm going to go out on a limb here with the whole roommate situation, particularly WHY I think it might be bothering you so much. There is undoubtedly some projection here based on my own sitch but there are things going on, and things you're doing/saying, that feel awfully familiar to me.

Let's ignore the genders (and gender preferences) of H and RM for a minute. With the exception of sex, their relationship reminds me 100% of an affair. Even your reaction to it "reads" to me the way I'd expect you to be talking about "OW" if there was one. You know the WAS-in-an-EA script, right? Wife angrily throws cell phone records in H's phase and says "WTF is up with all these phone calls to this girl?!?!" The H replies... "She's just a friend!" Sound like your H's response to SS?

It REALLY reminds me of the EA/OW in my sitch. It was so freaking obvious it was happening right in front of my face and yet I STILL didn't see it or understand why it bothered me so much for a long time. I went from uncomfortable to disliking to downright hating her - couldn't believe the inappropriate stuff she did and said right in front of me. And I let it keep happening for an LONG time, nearly a year, because my own self esteem and self worth was SO low, and so wrapped up in how my H perceived me. Going back to the CDs you were talking about, in a lot of ways it was because I didn't love myself enough. I always put WAY more of the blame for the inappropriateness, the problems in my M, all of that on her - much much easier than looking hard at my H's role and decisions (not to mention my own!).

Your H is treating you poorly, using you when he needs you and ignoring you the rest of the time. He's living it up in his new "rockstar" lifestyle, spending all his time and I would imagine much of his emotional energy (via the music) with this friend. He's getting to cake-eat big time because you're right there for him every time he decides to throw you some scraps, and you'll even sleep with him if he tries just enough. But he still gets to parrrtayyy at home in his new fun fun fun life. Sounds at all like the "honeymoon phase" of a new R to you? The DUI's messing that up a little bit... but even then he has you to help with the "tough stuff" with SS, and even drive him around (and yippee, now you're driving "OW" around too!).

Did you know that I actually drove H and the OW in my sitch home after the 3 of us went to a party (1.5 freaking hours away!!! but "she really wants to go" and so, we went). We got all the way there and she giggles and "oops, I forgot my driver's license! Guess you're driving home," tosses her keys to me, and goes and pours herself and H a shot. They proceeded to get hammered and OMG the drive home... awful. And I fully think the whole thing was intentional, at least on OW's part. She even almost ended up spending the night at our house. Does that sound like something your H and RM might do? It sure does to me. And.. if you're like me at that time.. you'd make it ALL about the RM being inappropriate, wrong, etc. When you step back a little bit and look at it you get a whole different perspective though. The tossing me the keys wasn't wrong.. the whole freaking situation was completely wrong and out of whack. I wanted my M so bad I was willing to be a total doormat and even help my H continue his EA! At the time, I was furious and angry and full of hate for her. A bit pi$$ed at H too, but her... oh man.. it was ALL HER FAULT. Of course I wouldn't say anything to her face though, just bitch at H about it later while he defended her. Sound like how you'd react to RM in a similar situation?

Today when I look back at those situations my emotions run from sadness to anger - but not at her. At H, and mostly at myself for not loving myself enough, for having NO boundaries, for letting myself feel so worthless. In my head I can actually picture myself going back and shaking that sad girl sitting on the couch waiting for the party to be over and say "WTF are you thinking? You're worth more than this! Get the he!! out of here and don't EVER subject yourself to this kind of situation again." In fact... it took my friends here, plus a very strong woman who I admire deeply who I know IRL, telling me something along those lines to finally shake me out of it.

Sorry, kind of off on a tangent there! Like I said I'm SURE that there is some projection... but does any of this "fit" to you? It sure seems to me like it might. i.e. the RM bringing up the Halloween party... yeah OK saying what he said was kinda lame, but it was probably about 1% of the problem. The other 99%, I'm betting, is that it reinforced how bad off your M is right now, how little you're part of H's life, and just maybe a bit of not loving or caring about yourself enough to say "ENOUGH!" What do you think?

This post is already geetting really long! So I'll submit now, and then talk about the rest of it in the next post.

[NikB]

(((Trixi))) - thought you might need one more hug!

I just thought of one more thing along the lines of the "affair" thought I had above. In response to this:

SS HATES how RM has changed his dad.

This is another classic thing that happens. The LBS, kids, family, etc. all blame the OP for the changes and choices a person is making. Sure the RM may be influencing him, but it's YOUR H/HIS DAD making these decisions. NO ONE is forcing your H to make these choices. It's much easier for SS to hate and blame the RM than to see that his Dad is choosing this life, a life that he's not a priority in. (sound familiar?).

If there's some way to mention this to the C it might be good. She can help him work through the fact that people have ownership of their own choices and the consequences of those choices - lessons that he's learning ANYWAY. I just think applying it to his Dad, especially with the blame he's currently placing on the RM, might be timely. And, it might hurt a tiny bit less if the C can be there to help him work through the pain. The realization in my sitch hit me very suddenly and unexpectedly and it was pretty tough.

About the other stuff with SS... I'm so sorry. What a mess. I can't believe your H answering for him in the C's office (well, I can actually, but geez!). I'm glad he has you in his corner or I think he'd have NO ONE supporting his decision to clean up his life.

About mentioning the weed to the C... good question. I think everything has to remain confidential unless she feels he's a threat to himself or others. I'm pretty sure being in the proximity of weed wouldn't fit into that category. But if it's court ordered counseling or something I don't know if it's different. Maybe you could suggest that SS ask her what the confidentiality rules are?

The other thing is, it doesn't sound like him just telling the C will do much good anyway. I guess she can help him with ways to deal with the temptation (if there is any)... but seems like your H is pretty determined not to let this mess up his party pad. Even if she tells him to get it out of the house I doubt that he will. If H is honestly listening to her and following through then it might be worth it though. Or... if it will cause a call to the probation officer that could get something to happen legally... that might also be worth it. I dunno, it's a tough call.

About the song lyrics - oh my gosh. That would really get to me, too. Your H is either truly clueless, or downright cruel. Or maybe he was worried you might finally be pulling away some and he had to dangle another carrot in front of you. Ugh.. I know, no assumptions and don't even bother trying to figure him out.. but that is just awful.

I guess the question is how do you detach more so that this stuff doesn't tear you up so bad? So you can respond as if it's just some random band guy showing you song lyrics and you can honestly say how good they are but not have it send you into a tailspin?

Does it require going dark on him? Distancing yourself more? What do you think it would take?

I thought this was interesting, too...

"Dad's music is good and everything. And maybe it could go somewhere- but what is more important? Family or music? It's family that is supposed to be most important. A person should pick FAMILY first and then music."

yup.

While I agree with you and with your SS... obviously, your H does not. Maybe he did at one point and this is just a weird "blip" for him or maybe family truly never was his top priority. You and SS don't get to decide what's most important to him. - his life, his choices (and, his consequences).

On your SS living with you, that's such a tough call! I guess this may sound selfish but I think it may be time for you to get a little selfish... just my opinion but if you're not sure you can handle it or it's what you want, I don't think you should offer. I think you've got so much work to do on loving yourself, respecting and taking good care of yourself emotionally, and having your SS there and all his problems to deal with too would just make it that much harder.

It would also really limit your choices about what you want to do in your life. You wouldn't have that option to just up and move to Australia for a year or something. Not that you're planning on it! But I just see you on the brink of finally turning your focus to yourself and taking ownership of your future, and when you do, I would hate to see you held back because your life's too wrapped up with SS's.

I hope that makes some sort of sense.

((Trixi))

Hope that you're feeling a lot better since your last post.

[Trixi]

Awesome Awesome posts Nik.
And quite spot on.
I did say to SS when he said the thing about how the RM "changed Dad" that "Dad can make his own choices". SS came back with "Of course he can. But having someone like that live in the same house is going to have a negative influence."

The other day, SS actually told H that he was acting like an addict w/regard to the pot. H had told SS that he would be doing XYZ with SS the following day, and when the following day came, all H did was smoke pot and jam w/RM. SS was very hurt and also felt disrespected. When he said something about it, H said "well, but I was jamming, so...."

Yes, I agree that the RM/music is totally like an OW. Thanks for the validation. It's like I know *something* is not right, but it's hard to articulate it; or at the very least, I feel "silly/wrong" for being 'jealous'.

Supposedly, (and this sounds so crazy I am not sure if I believe it) SS was telling RM (with H in the room) that I will be doing an at home drug test on him, so it's critical that he not be around the pot and that it sure would be nice if RM would do it outside or in the garage--not in the living area-- and RM said "Can't you convince Trixi not to give you the test? Just have your dad or me vouche for you." OMFG! Supposedly, H stepped in and said 'no, that's not right' and then said to SS, 'maybe you should just stay out of the studio'. *SIGH*

Your H is treating you poorly, using you when he needs you and ignoring you the rest of the time. He's living it up in his new "rockstar" lifestyle, spending all his time and I would imagine much of his emotional energy (via the music) with this friend. He's getting to cake-eat big time because you're right there for him every time he decides to throw you some scraps, and you'll even sleep with him if he tries just enough. But he still gets to parrrtayyy at home in his new fun fun fun life. Sounds at all like the "honeymoon phase" of a new R to you? The DUI's messing that up a little bit... but even then he has you to help with the "tough stuff" with SS, and even drive him around (and yippee, now you're driving "OW" around too!).

So true!! The good news is that I only had to deal with RM one time; now RM is using H's truck to drive them around.

Your story about driving the three of you to the party. OMG that would PISS me off! I can totally feel how it must have felt for you. Probably especially because at dinner that night when the RM said Halloween thing, I felt like getting up and leaving. But no, I'm a wimp. Don't want to make waves.

Blah!

I want to say more, but I need to get out to the store before the next big storm shows up tonight.

I keep checking for you over in piecing to see if you have figured out your mutual goal; guess I'll wait til after the new year.

[Trixi]

Well, I spent Saturday afternoon thru Monday evening with H at his house.

I had a pretty spirited debate with the RM (and H) regarding my concerns about what is happening in the house. They agreed to make changes; just not as dramatic is I think is necessary. SS goes into rehab mid-jan and has been sober (no alcohol, no nothing) for over 3 weeks now.

While we were arguing (er, I mean, debating), my H was enjoying himself a great deal. To the RM he would say "That's why I love about her, she ________" or "She's a smart one" or "She is the most wholesome person I have ever met". I never knew he considered me the most wholesome person he's met.

I helped switch my SS into a different(bigger) room. It kind of got me upset near the end. I worked my butt off moving stuff. After it was done, I just felt so sad and let out a big sigh. H heard me and asked if I was okay and I said "You wouldn't understand." He took me aside and gave me a hug while I cried some. Then he sat down with me and rubbed my feet. He said he felt like "a real douche bag". He just "can't say what I want to hear". I asked him what he thought I wanted to hear and he said "That you should move back in and we can go back to how we were." I said "Well, then you don't know what I want to hear. Because I don't want things to go back to how they were. and secondly, I am not ready to move in. There is rebuilding that needs to happen. BUT, I don't want to spin my wheels. I need to feel like some sort of forward movement is happening and then I am important in your life." He apologized and agreed that he has been being a jerk and hasn't been showing me that I am important.

I told him that it was hard to do all that work for the house I *used* to live in. Because it helped SS get more comfortable, I could do that part with a cheerful heart, but it still was hard on me. I said I felt like a total outsider and he said I should feel welcome. That he, SS and RM care about me and that he wants me to feel comfortable.

I found out that more of his friends know about me than I realized. I asked if his manager (who I have met several times) knew we were seeing each other and he said that actually the managers SIL had met H and liked him, so manager said "SIL likes you" and my H said that he was seeing me, so he was not interested. His manager was not surprised to hear that he is still seeing me. H feels like he looks like a jerk/a'hole for making it look like he was done with me (to the outside world) and clearly he is not done.

He bought RockBand 2 as a Christmas present for the house, and told me that I get to be the drummer (or guitar player) and can come play whenever I want. That I am "part of the band".

So, having said all that, I am watching VH1 top hits from the 90's while I write this, and I just don't think I could 'handle it' if his band made it big. But I suppose it's because he isn't committed to me.... They were talking about these certain lead singers that dated different stars, showing pics and I thought- "OMG, what if he makes it and then I have to see him on TV and magazines with models and stars?" Now, that might seem crazy, but all these people started out as "nobody's". And he sure seems motivated to do something with his music before he can decide about me.

[Trixi]

Saturday night I asked H point blank if I should just give up and he said he didn't want me to.

Today I (for the first time in forever) logged into Facebook and he had uploaded 60+ photos yesterday. I was in ONE of them (with my DD and her xBF.) ONE! I tell him I need to feel important in his life and I manage to be in ONE photo when he just uploaded them. I could "understand" if they had been uploaded previously because currently I have no pics of him in my profile--but I took those OUT when he said he didn't want to be married in October.
AND
He had different categories like "my house", "my family", "4x4ing" & "Turkey" plus 3 random photos. ONE photo was of him in Costa Rica (and I only know it was from CR cuz I took it). So, it's like Costa Rica never happened--and do we know WHY it's like it never happened???? Because he went with me! That's why! I am so pissed right now.

[Trixi]

I am 5 seconds from sending him a text message that says "Do you remember how I told you I needed to feel important in your life and not hidden?"
Oh, and of course it shows him as "single" in his relationship status.

[Trixi]

I did send that text and he responded with "Yes"
So, I think my response is going to be that his level of douche baggery is quite astounding.
-------------
Instead I sent a message back that said "Huh. ..Because I feel very angry and hurt right now."

He has had me help him move his son into a different room, drive him and SS around all over the place, asked me to help him get things organized and cleaned up (which I did) and he can't even manage to include ME in his online life???!!! And he put he was SINGLE when there are much better options like the truth:"married". Or even "In a relationship" or "It's complicated". But single?!?

[Trixi]

I talked with a guy friend of mine who said I was overreacting. (And he usually is not one to 'stick up' for my H.) He said that "single" is the default and that just because my H didn't put pics of me in there, it doesn't necessarily mean anything. My friend said that if his wife used the same criteria (ie, number of pics of her in his profile) she would be mad too. His thinking is that people should post themselves in their profile.
I would have agreed if there weren't a ton of pics of my H's sibs. Friend said I was probably not being fair by not just stating what I was upset over.

So, H called me to find out why I was upset. I explained that maybe I was misunderstanding, but since I am looking for "clues" to see what his state of mind is, the 'clues' didn't look good. He started to 'explain' why he had posted pics, which computer he was on, etc and I told him I wasn't wanting an explanation- he can post whatever pics he wants. I was looking at the big picture which is he lists himself as single and I was glaringly missing from his profile. So then he says "Well, that one pic was the only one good one of you.." which made me say "uh no. There were plenty from Costa Rica- the trip which was also missing from the profile."

On Saturday I had said that I needed to see some sort of forward movement/better communication and he said he would "ponder" on it.

I said "look, in lieu of open communication, I am stuck looking for clues. You had said you would "ponder" things. Have you done that?" He said he had been thinking about that and we would talk about it tomorrow. (New Years Eve)

I said I was sorry for sort of ambushing him, but my feelings were hurt and he said "no, you're right." So, that was "good" in the sense that my friend made it seem like I had just made a very big mistake and that my H would probably be mad at me for being falsely accused of something.

Little nervous about how New Years will go down, but it is what it is. I have started to push him and that usually means he will push back. The other night (before I asked if I should give up) he was talking about how important it was that we separate so that he could try out this music thing; he had *thought* that success at work was important, but turns out it wasn't and he wished he would have been more involved with the kids; that family is good for some people and fulfills them, but not for him--it's just been a disappointment for him. My response to that was that we still had a chance to make it different and he didn't need to toss out the baby with the bath water.

Anyway- I dunno. I just know that I feel like I have spent the past year getting nowhere.