I'm not even reading beyond "I am not the prize in this situation" because anything you would have written after that would be CRAP.
Look - get back to basics and get yourself a life, independent of your wife. As I have said before, too much still revolves around her and what she is or is not doing.
Protect yourself financially.
BUT KNOW THIS...You can still stand through this and see your marriage restored but it is not going to happen if you don't take care of YOURSELF first. Like I've said, God is not going to return a walk-away to a still-broken spouse. Just because you have realized some things you shoulda/coulda/woulda done differently DOES NOT MEAN you are yet where God intends for you to be. Man, if that was the case, I'd have been home a long time ago. As it stands, I am STILL changing and growing although it's my husband that is having the worst time of it because he still REFUSES to grow up and take control of his life. That has nothing to do with me however. I CHOOSE to love him even when I'd like to do nothing more than choke the living daylights out of him. You can get here, too. But it ain't no freakin cakewalk.
I have known something was amiss in your sitch for a long time. At times I've read and just squinted my eyes at the screen trying to see between the lines. What it is - is you've been playing a role. You haven't been changed fundamentally - in the way that only God can change a person.
So break dammit.
Come unglued.
Come unwound.
Until you do, you aren't going to know what is real, what is a lie from the pit, what's right in front of your face, much less what God might actually be trying to convey to you.
Stop trying so hard. Stop trying to show your wife what she's losing.
Find out FOR YOURSELF.
You don't even really know who you are yet - much less who you are IN CHRIST.
So stop.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Stop it.
You have done a heck of a lot better than others here and you have shown your wife tremendous things. But honey, she does not have the eyes to see them. And you can't change that. YOUR JOB is to get YOURSELF into a position as a child of God that you can stand, in HIM, and pray your wife through this time. Like it or not, feel up to it or not, that's what you're here for. And the assignment is not handed out lightly. Oh you can chuck it and go get yourself a girlfriend down at dance class. But I wouldn't give two cents for the sleep you'll have at night when you lay your head down if you do.
Believe it or not this horrible place you are at right now is a milestone.
It will take you higher.
Just get through it without throwing the baby out with the bath water, k?
MAKE NO DECISIONS AND DO NOT OPEN YOUR MOUTH TO YOUR KIDS OR WIFE WHEN YOU ARE IN THIS FRAME OF MIND
Just be still and know that He is God.
And He is a rewarder of those who DILIGENTLY seek Him, LD.
