Way back in the beginning. She had been flirting heavily, so bad even my kids were disgusted. everyone said it was me blowing things out of proportion, really now?!
She has been in whatever she is in (if she is in anything) for over 2 years I believe and so do my kids. Amy I am losingit in a big way. these dark thoguthare really crashing me. Obviously you can see by what I have posted. I love her too much to keep seeing these images and having these thoughts. I have to push her away from me, I have to walk for awhile alone without any signs or thinking about her. Even the thought of her hanging around friends is making me think of leaving them behind as well.
I can't keep losing sleep. I am a friggin zombie. I need to detach from her, completely, I mean as if it were forever. I am kidding myself into believing there is any hope when it seems to go and go like the tide. God has put me on a path, and I do not know where it leads. All I know is the pain is getting worse. She is getting deeper involved with thisidiot, not less. Trying to bring him into the friends we shared and even my own kids. what's nexrt, bringing him to my house so they can do it on my friggin bed?! I 'm not giving up but I am definitely leaning on the "see in Heaven when I 'm dead" mentallity. I seriously have a fury inside of me I have never felt before. I have been mad about this situation before, but nothing like this.
POSTED 9/1708
"everthing seems to revolve around my jealousy and when we would party on weekends, she would flirt to the max which would send me off. I would say terrible things about our marriage and that she wanted other men, the whole shooting match. I asked her many times over the past couple of years what was wrong and her constant reply, nothing, don't worry about it. "
Well as I posted then I was right. She kept telling me it was in my head. the whole time she was having EA and then a PA and I am not sur ethis is the first one now. Oh, yeah things are coming out about her. Some I heard of and pushed aside, but now I believe. No, this crap with her didn't just start in August, it has been going on for a while. I would love to reconcile my marriage, I would love to have her back. But the thoughts, Amy, the thoughts of her with other men and coming back to me as second fiddle which she made me feel like for quite osme time.
No she is not fading in her affair it is growing, let them get married they can live in his parents basement. I am no longer the prize in this situation, I am the the gold ring she cannot get, she cannot reach. she is on a completely different ride now. And , well, I don't that somebody else isn't gonna grab the gold ring before her ride even stops. I am not looking, I am not desiring anyone else nor even wanting anyone else. I just can't take the intense self misery I am inflicting on myself with these fantasies of "US" getting back together. At this point I think it is all BS that I am dillusioning myself too. Maybe eveyone else is right and I am wrong? Maybe I was her mistake, maybe her leaving was right, AMY I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE!!!!!!I don't know up from down, back from front. this fury has me all the place. All I know is while I have it the pain is less. Blakingher totally out of my life has a calming affect on me. I don't know what God's plan is for me. Is there reconcilitation or is this just my trials and tribulations to go on with life knowing tha tI have been put under more emotional, mental and physical strain in four yesars than most people would have thought possible. I lost my dad 4 years ago, a great job 1.5 years later and my wife a year after that. I barely get by on my pay, I don't drink, I don't go out because I really can't afford it. How much more do I have to bear? How much more will He thrust upon me before I break? Haven't I cried enought tears, had my heart broken hard enough, seen my life torn apart enought times in this lifetime? I was born with a crossed eye, since comingout of the womb, everything has been an uphill battle for me. What the hell was the sense. Sad that I feel this way, it is not self pity it is righteous questioning about where I am, what am I doing, what does He want from me. I am tired of having things taken from me, ripped from my chest and stomped on. You will never know anyone who loves their wife more than I. No one!!! But it is now become the one thing I hate more than anything, my love for her is definitely my Achilles tendon. I pray hard, Amy, I really pray hard. i don't ask for the impossible I ask to give me what I need to get through this and now I wonder, am I just getting through this because it is the end? The inevitable is here, that the probability of her "going through something" is just BS and that she really is just someone who wants to sleep around, fall in love and move on to the next one? Because thats what I think of her right now. It isn't right to cast that stone, it isn't. But I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. I can't and won't bring my kids or friends into this after wroking so hard to keep them out. I just think I'm really starting to lose it.. I can feel the tears now, I just don't know anyomore. And worse than that, I don't think I care.... Does anyone out there have any words? Has anyone gone through this fury,? How did you fare? Will this pass or is this who and what I am becoming, I don't like it....But there is too much in me....I thought I was starting to forgive Amy, but it seems to be the opposite. the only thing I can tell you is i am afraid to take my wedding ring off. I think once I take it off, it will never go back on....
