Hey native, Thanks for stopping by with a mans POV. Really .... it shouldn't take that long to catch up on my sitch ~ LOL ~
Yes, You do ask some good, tough questions. You might be correct that my H isn't capable of a LTR. Never thought about it nor was it put so directly to me.
Maybe I should really listen, to what he wants & has said to me several times. He has said & thinks we should D & work on our R (or M) after we D. Kind of a catch22 doesn't want to stay M or loose me (as a friends anyway) - but wants to work on things after D. DBcoach Jody said once that after D he may be at a comfortable distance to work on R or M. Do I have my answer then & its been sitting in front of me??
"What would he have to do to make you take him back? What change would you like to see in him ?"
Ya know native - I cannot even think that far ahead. Currently, I'm just trying to be friends. I would like him to email or call me on his own. Yes, I have great even huge expectations (I'm being sarcastic BTW).
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Still thinking about this question & want to write down my thoughts.
"What would he have to do to make you take him back? What change would you like to see in him ?"
We all here in DBLand have grown and have realized that love, ah love & trust alone cannot solve all M problems. (So nieve - but that was me thoughts). I wonder as our spouses wander around, out there in OZ still trudging through the forest looking for the yellow brick road .... did we move it on them?? After DB is just getting your spouse back, is that not enough anymore? Did we change the rules?? Or move the yellow brick road & because they have not, cannot change thye will not be able to find it? (Have our standards so to speak - changed - while theirs stay the same)?
Could My H ever make the changes that I need? Truly, I don't know???
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
'I wonder as our spouses wander around, out there in OZ still trudging through the forest looking for the yellow brick road .... did we move it on them?? After DB is just getting your spouse back, is that not enough anymore? Did we change the rules??'
Perhaps I was thinking out loud about my own sitch. Her behaviour and actions have in my case made me wake up to the fact that SHE has some real problems, not just me, as she says.
As I ponder the WAS's issues I wonder if she is capable of a functional relationship. I wonder if I can forgive....
In fact, I know I won't be at peace unless she knows exactly how much damage she has done, so I have begun confronting.
Yes, I apologise, when appropriate, I validate as much as possible, but I also am no longer tiptoeing around the obvious....... SHE has some real issues and SHE needs to face them. Otherwise, I am not going to go back to the R as it was, because when only one person is trying it is not much of an R. (of course, I was not DBing before the bomb....who knows, perhaps things would be different now if I had started the changes before).
Of course, she claims she was trying too, but if that is true, it was and is kinda obscured to me....
I don't know about you, but I struggle with anger towards her every day....
And I still love her in spite of it all....but I won't let her treat me like she has anymore.
I am not the cause of her unhappiness.
Last edited by native; 01/01/0905:23 AM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
Hi native, I think all of us LBS, think as you do - that we were the cause of our spouses running away. After DB & much time we realize that we did play a role, but were not the root cause.
Why did my H & I start dating ... because in his IC, he was happiest when he was with me. (& we had both had a crush on each other for many years). So he found his happiness within me. Hence, as you said w/your W, (& my H) they have not found their own happiness. The only other outlet my H has found happiness is when he's in a band. His 1st band fell apart (w/ other reasons as well), when his 1st M did. This band he was in fell apart as our M did.
I'm not angry at my H. I have realized that his stupid & thoughtless way of coping, is the only way he knows how to. Everything he has done, was done so the break could be easy & painless to him. I'm sure he thought if I do xyz she will want to D me & then I will not have to deal w/the turmoil within me. Actually, I feel sad for him & pity him.
If I am honest with myself, really honest - I don't think he has it in him to make the changes I need for a LTR. Sad but true, because I do love him.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
native, Will you give me a man's POV, on this statement I wrote??
Maybe I should really listen, to what he wants & has said to me several times. He has said & thinks we should D & work on our R (or M) after we D. Kind of a catch22 doesn't want to stay M or loose me (as a friends anyway) - but wants to work on things after D. DBcoach Jody said once that after D he may be at a comfortable distance to work on R or M. Do I have my answer then & its been sitting in front of me??
So, what he said to me in a mans world is really what he wants, isn't it??? Gotta feeling it is .... he's just too afraid.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Maybe I should really listen, to what he wants & has said to me several times. He has said & thinks we should D & work on our R (or M) after we D. Kind of a catch22 doesn't want to stay M or loose me (as a friends anyway) - but wants to work on things after D. DBcoach Jody said once that after D he may be at a comfortable distance to work on R or M. Do I have my answer then & its been sitting in front of me??
Wow....that is a hard place to be. The only thing that makes sense is that he may feel too much pressure to change if he is still M. Perhaps being D takes the pressure off of him.
Quote:
So, what he said to me in a mans world is really what he wants, isn't it??? Gotta feeling it is .... he's just too afraid.
In a man's world, we usually say what we mean to say....I think we are more direct about what we feel or think.
I don't know if I understand him, but I will say that men are afraid of a lot of things, especially of being found out to not be a hero, just an average guy with shortcomings and failings. We don't want to fail at anything. We want to be the hero, to be admired. We need affirmation.
I remember seeing my SIL holding onto her husband's arm and saying what a great guy he was to us. I can't imagine him not liking that. It would have made me feel 10' tall to have my W do the same. Its about as important as sex I'd venture to guess.
You know, the whole band thing is very likely another way to get the ego strokes he feels he needs. You may have suggested this elsewhere, but I just want to echo that. It is a powerful ego boost for some guys. I sometimes imagine that Bono steps aside and lets me sing a song with U2 during a concert.....oh well, we have our dreams.
I hope that's helpful....
Last edited by native; 01/02/0912:35 AM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
[quote/]I don't know if I understand him, but I will say that men are afraid of a lot of things, especially of being found out to not be a hero, just an average guy with shortcomings and failings. We don't want to fail at anything. We want to be the hero, to be admired. We need affirmation. [quote/]
Let's see if my quoting worked. Anyway, guess I forgot about men wanting to be heros. With me being so independent & responsible, it must be difficult for my H. Putting this M back together - he would be hero. But I don't think he sees it that way.
Yes, I realize w/the band thing - that I could not compete w/the ego boost he was getting.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Yes, I realize w/the band thing - that I could not compete w/the ego boost he was getting.
I think that I would much rather have the admiration of my wife than someone who doesn't even know me.
Ellen Kriedman talks about rewarding the behavior you would like to see more of as a means of motivating children or spouses to change. Praise them for any move in the right direction and watch them increase their efforts.
I know my W had an accurate method for killing all my motivation to deal with her intimacy problems ..... she compared me to others (negatively), used criticism and accusation.
All that type of behavior does is cause us to stop trying....
Perhaps find something he does well and praise him, better yet, do it in front of others. Let him know you think he is awesome at something. You may begin to see other things he does well.
This may expand your vision of him, and his vision of himself, and possibly cause him to do more to get this praise.
Have you ever tried anything like this?
Last edited by native; 01/02/0906:03 AM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
