The unfaithful wife...that's me..

[Mellenmack]

I had two affairs. He never knew about them. He came home from Iraq and I said I wanted a divorce. I thought I was in love with OM. Of course I wasn't and it didn't take long to figure that out. I wanted my husband! But I had already moved out and knew he deserved somebody who could be faithful to him. He finally asked about them and I confirmed them. I apologized. Of course now he doesn't want me back although I realize what a dumb a$$ fool I have been. Our marriage wasn't great, but it sure as heck wasn't bad either. He drank a lot the first 10 years but then quit. I'd already had the first affair by then. He would stay 3 hours past closing time at work drinking with his buddies then put our family in danger by driving home drunk. I felt like he had to be drunk to come home and deal with us. I wanted him to love me so bad but his actions said different! Fast forward 3 years. He is gone for 6 months and I am taking care of everything by myself - the kids, my own full-time job, my own full-time school, the house, and the dog. Then he calls from Iraq and wants things done for him from here to add to my already full list. To take the truck to get worked on, to go out and start the truck so the battery will be okay. I'm still mowing the lawn. I'm paying the bills. I'm at home all the time with very little interaction with normal human beings. It's like he doesn't even have a clue what I am doing. Oh, but someone at work notices and I am totally amazing to them. It is nice to have some adult interaction. I know I didn't get to this place on my own, but ultimately it was my decision, I know. So now I want it all back but he doesn't think he can trust me. And that's fine. I understand that. But he's not even willing to try.

I guess my question is, what makes you fellows willing to consider taking your wife back? What's the difference between someone who is willing to try and someone who is not? Maybe I should't ask this question, but if I was your wife, would you have been willing to try? I think probably yes, because you are on this website, but still, we all have different tolerance levels.

Any and all insight is appreciated!

Mel

[kat727]

Ok, it sounds like you both had issues and neither one of you dealt with them in a productive way. But I guess you already knew that. The reason I wanted to stay married even with him actively cheating was that I loved him and had 4 kids with him. I wanted our family.

The reason I don't want him back...he showed no respect for our family. He won't admit that he did anything wrong. He won't apologize for all of the damage he has done. He recently filed bankruptcy and left me without an alternative but to follow. His actions have shown a kinder side lately but I think it is the holidays.

I think you know what changes you need to make for you to be happy with yourself and the life you have created. You will have to work to show that you deserve his trust back, it won't be easily given. Even with that, it may not work but you may even want to suggest Retrovaille. It may help you both communicate and help you reconnect. I haven't been, but I know it is a highly regarded program.

I wish you the best. Keep posting and venting here. There are a lot of wonderful people that can offer better advice than I.

kat

[Thinker]

I think it all comes down to optimism. Right now I am still optimistic that my W and I can work it out, and that with time and work things will be good (maybe even great) again.

There is also the flip side - fear. The thought of being separated from my sons and having to permanently deal with and financially support someone who I used to love but come to hate is more than I can bear to think about right now.

My wife had an affair a number of years ago, which she told me about last year. I forgave her for that one, but am having difficulty with her current one - she says it is only friends - so at least an EA, if not more.

[InLikeFlynn]

Its tough on military. If they divorce they will only see their children for 30 days unless they are based in the same town. Usually they move every 3-4 years or so. The worst nightmare for soldiers is to have their spouses cheat on them when they are deployed. But it takes two to tango and he/she would have to hold up their end of the marital bargain to have any moral high ground. It sounds like your husband was emotionally distant even while home but that still does not condone cheating.

If he divorces you he will get the double whammy of losing his kids to a degree that 99% of Fathers don't experience. At least most dad's get to see there kids every week. He will not.

I am going to get on my soap box here!!

I am a once divorced military member but my 1st wife was also in the military. She cheated we recovered, but faced with not seeing my kids motivated me to recover. We had another kid, went along and she cheated again...that ended the marriage. Luckily she was at her last base and I was able to manipulate the system enough to stay put for a long while until I got injured and had to medically retire earlier this year. Without that threat of almost complete loss of contact with my kids I might have walked away the first time. You are in a similar situation but on the other(Dark) side. He will have to take that level of loss in account when thinking about divorcing.

Everybody is different....some betrayed spouses are willing to do anything...even be doormats to recover. Others are gone immediately.

Its up to you to provide your husband with the incentive to recover. I would expect my wife to do all the work in recovery. Let the counselers deal with what was missing in your relationship that you felt left you vulnerable to other men.

[breakaway]

Its up to you to provide your husband with the incentive to recover. I would expect my wife to do all the work in recovery. Let the counselers deal with what was missing in your relationship that you felt left you vulnerable to other men.

I posted on your Newcomer's thread as well. I would encourage anyone reading this thread to read that one too, as it gives some more details about the H's drinking.

This is more complicated than she stated here. There ain't no way she's going to be able to "do all the work" for recovery and she shouldn't have to.

[InLikeFlynn]

Your right....he being an alcoholic throws a wrench in a recovery attempt. That has to be dealt with first.

[Mellenmack]

He drank the first ten years and then quit cold turkey. I don't imagine that was very easy. But he did it. But I think he thinks that since he did that, that he must not be an alcoholic. I never wanted him to have to give it up completely. I just wanted him to find a balance, a happy medium.

I am willing to be a transparent as he wants me to be. I will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to make this marriage work. I have completely given up OM. The sight of him sickens me. What else can I do except continue to be completely honest and forthright, transparent? I have apologized to no end and will continue to do so as long as it is warranted.

I guess just time?

[WaitingPatiently]

Hi,

You sound like you are headed in the right direction. It was very, very big of you to admit to the affairs. A lot of people (probably most) in your situation never come clean, so kudos to you for that. Just try very hard to rebuild trust with your husband. It sounds like he has his own issues, but for now I wouldn't bring those up to him. You should work on yourself and try to find ways to rebuild your trust.

As for me, I love my wife with all my heart, and I feel that my love outweighs any wrong she's ever done to me. I'm not sure if you are a believer or not, but the Bible says that love covers over a multitude of sins, so that's what I try to adhere to. And it isn't just words; when I think about all the things that have hurt me, they still don't outweigh my love and desire for my wife. Good luck to you and I hope your desires come true for you.
Happy New Year!

[Mellenmack]

Thanks, Waiting Patiently, InLikeFlynn, and Breakaway. On Wifey's advice, I will stick to my thread in Newcomer's. I just wanted to ask that question, I guess.

Thanks to everyone who responded.

Breakaway, thank you. I am really torn sometimes between knowing he has a problem and how often it is really out of hand. For the last 3 years it hasn't been a problem, but now that he has decided to take drinking back up again, I could easily see it becoming a problem. He is convinced now that since I was the one who had the affairs, the problems were all in my head and his friends and brother are telling him that repeatedly so I am sure he is starting to believe it. I probably did overreact some when we were younger, but because I wanted him to want to be with me! I guess for now, in the hopes of a R, I will back off the drinking issue. I don't know how much he is drinking now, so it is kind of speculation about how much on my part, except that he says he likes being single again and not having to answer to anyone about his drinking.

Thank you all, again.

Mel

[runningoutoftime]

I guess my question is, what makes you fellows willing to consider taking your wife back? What's the difference between someone who is willing to try and someone who is not? Maybe I should't ask this question, but if I was your wife, would you have been willing to try? I think probably yes, because you are on this website, but still, we all have different tolerance levels.

Hi Mel,

From what I've read -- but I'm not sure how up-to-date the statistics are -- women tend to be more likely to stay and try to work things out when there has been infidelity. While the percentage of men willing to do this is typically lower.

I think kids are often a driving force behind the desire to stay and work things out. In addition, it will probably also depend on your husband's history; i.e. how he views family, his prior connection to you and his children, if he likes change or prefers what he's used to, if he meets someone while he's separated, if he turns to alcohol rather then dealing with his emotions about the situation, etc.....